Husband’s real-life dream vacation with 22-year-old Instagram model sends wife spiraling. UPDATED
"Hubby of 10 years (35m) just told me he's planned a ski trip to Canada with a family friend (22f). I truly trust that he's not planning on cheat on me, but on the surface this seems like a bad idea. Should I put my foot down and say no?"
My husband comes from a big group of people that aren't related but were basically raised like one big family. I think at the core there are six families who all vacationed together, did holidays together, are each others god parents, etc... They are essentially family.
My husband represents the older end of the kids at about 35, while this girl, Shelby, represents the younger end at 22--but to see them together you really would think they are cousins or even brother/sister. Shelby was a flower girl at our wedding when she was 12 so I too have known her a long time.
To be very frank, I've never hit it off with Shelby. She's a nice girl and I can't take that away from her. I admit a lot of this may be jealousy on my part because the the little tomboy has blossomed (literally) into a woman that is model good looking.
In fact she is a model, she's one of these girls that has been able to turn her Instagram account into a reasonable monthly income. She also is a ski instructor, college student, sweet, funny and lovable--and to top this all off--my husband absolutely lights up around her in a way that he doesn't do for anyone else, male or female (to be fair he's like this with our kids too).
Meanwhile, I feel like mean awful wife who's gained 50lbs, yells at the kids about dishes and nags my husband that he can't go skiing (his absolute passion in life) because of my parent's anniversary party. So yes, I admit a big part of this problem is my own insecurity and jealousy.
So I had given in and agreed that he should take two weeks off this winter to take a once in a life time ski trip to Whistler, BC. He was originally supposed to go with a college friend. The trip is all set up and paid for.
About an hour ago he calls and tells me that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is his friend backed out of the trip, the good news is that he already talked with Shelby and she has agreed to fill in the now vacant spot (uhh yay! /s).
I stammered for a little bit and I think what came out of my mouth was "You are going on a trip with a 22 year old girl?" and he replied with something like "well not any girl--it's Shelby!" I think I said "uh, ok but what about the room?" and he told me that Shelby is like his sister and that he's shared hotel rooms with her before.
I told him I was incredibly uncomfortable with this and the last I knew they shared a hotel room was when she was around 5 and he was babysitting her on a vacation. I told him that I really had to think about this and he seemed like he was shocked that I didn't just immediately share his excitement at the "good news." We both hung up disappointed.
He's going to be home in about two hours and I really don't know what to say to him. I very frankly do not want my husband sharing a hotel room with a 22 year old Instagram model.
However I also know that they booked super early to secure a special rate on the room and if they tried to book a second room now it would by hundreds (and maybe more) dollars a night.
There's a good chance that if he doesn't take Shelby (or get someone else to fill in) he may have to cancel the trip because it will be just too expensive for us in terms of the room, the gas to get there, etc...
He's been wanting to do this trip for a very long time and I don't want to ruin it for him. But to repeat, I don't want my husband sharing a hotel room with a 22 year old Instagram model. Is this a put my foot down situation? Is making me comfortable more important that his dream vacation?
Edit: Graig just got home and kissed me hello as usual and then said he'd already cancelled the trip and was sorry to make me uncomfortable. He's acting like everything is fine and working on our family puzzle with the kids but I know him well enough to know he's really heart broken at not getting to go.
Whether that upset comes from his friend, from me or the Shelby situation I'm not sure. I feel terrible because he works so hard and has two jobs and I've taken two long vacations without him because he knows being a stay at home mom is hard.
He's been wanting to ski at Whistler since he was a teenager. I feel awful that my insecurities and lack of excitement at his passions scuttled his trip. I have no idea how to make this up to him because I feel awful.
Edit 2: to add to my guilt Shelby just called me directly and apologized profusely and wanted me to know how much she loves me and the kids and she would never do anything to make me uncomfortable. No excuses, no blame or anything...just her apologizing to me.
Edit 3: I was able to talk to the hotel and manged to just catch a reservation agent before they went home--not only was I able to get his original reservation back (and the price) I'm dipping into my own "girl" fund to upgrade them to a suite.
So while it's not two "rooms"'per say, they now will have a living room with a fold out bed with a separate bed room--which will go a long way to help me and my insecurities because it won't be a typical hotel room with two beds right next to each other.
I'm telling Graig in just a minute and then I will call Shelby back and let her know that I appreciate her everything she does for us. I have a lot of work to do on myself and if anything this has made me realize that my insecurities are a big, big problem.
Edit 4 (Saturday and I promise I will, let this go after this) comments are still evenly split as to whether this is a good or bad idea. At this point I'm as confident as I can be at my decision. I just talked with Graig about some minor concessions and clarifications I would like from him which were basically: no nakedness or underwear around each other.
Shelby gets the bedroom in the suite so she has her private girl space, lock the bathroom door all the time so no possibility of that misunderstanding or accidents, no cute "couple" pics for her Instagram that could be taken out context and please call often and Skype at least once a day.
I still feel a little too demanding but I also feel like I'm giving a lot. Graig is beside himself that his dream trip is finally happening and I just talked with Shelby and she promised me free babysitting for life and a weekend together in Denver at a spa that sponsors her Instagram (girl isn't doing to bad for herself...apparently a cute butt and cheeky bikinis take you places ;)) she told me that she loved me about a millions times.
I really appreciate all the comments yesterday and today. I'm going to really try and turn over a new leaf and get healthy. I'm going to start phasing in eating paleo with Graig.
In just a few minutes I'm going to go to my first ever hot yoga class with a long term goal of losing weight and really getting healthy so the next time this comes up, I can share in my husband's passions like he does for me then I get the invite to a dream ski trip.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If it makes you uncomfortable, that's ok. I had to fly out to where I used to live for a funeral. A family friend offered to let me stay at his place. We dated briefly a long time ago, but it's just a family friend thing for a very long time now. My husband trusts me.
My husband said, "I trust you and if you want to stay there, I'm ok with it. But it kinda makes me uncomfortable." I got a hotel. It's ok to feel uncomfortable and it would be good for your husband to look for someone else first. My husband loves Whistler and I'm sure would be happy to go. Want me to send him instead of Shelby?
husbandandfriend (OP)
Lol if you're husband was anywhere near Colorado Springs I'd say absolutely.
Came in late on this and just wanted to say that you're awesome. That third update, you really stretched yourself to be a better person and that takes guts. Your husband and Shelby sound like awesome people, too. Continue being awesome.
Eighteen days later, the OP returned with an update.
So Graig and Shelby just drove up to the house. Graig is getting ready for work and Shelby is actually taking a nap in our guest room since she drove most of the night. The trip went very well and they both had a great time. As for me being insecure, Graig did everything I asked of him to reassure me that there was nothing at all inappropriate going on.
He called multiple times a day and we skyped for maybe 15-20 minutes a night almost every night. I got a good idea of the room lay out and saw that even though they were sharing a suite, they both had plenty of privacy.
I did have one moment early on where the reality of my husband sharing a hotel room with an Instagram model in her 20s sort took my breath away but it wasn't Shelbys fault. Me and our 9 year old son were on Skype with my husband and I saw Shelby in the background wearing a swimsuit getting ready to go to the hot tub.
When she realized my son was on skype (they have a very playful, almost "flirty" relationship) she leaned over my husband's shoulder and said something like "Hey AJ, I'm going to destroy you in HALO when I get back." But her boobs were basically right on Graig's shoulder with her ample cleavage in full view.
In my brain I was thinking "buster if your eyes so much as look left...it's over." But Graig didn't even flinch which made me realize that to him seeing Shelby in a bikini really is like seeing his sister or cousin. So all in all they had a great time. Graig has since left for work and I'm sure I'll chat more with Shelby when she wakes up for her drive across town.
As for me I've spent the last two weeks really dedicating my self to lose weight, get healthy and be passionate about something again. I've signed up for a 60 day challenge at our local hot yoga studio and have been going every day.
I've started using myfitnesspal to count calories (I'm astonished at how much I was actually mindlessly eating for years). And in two weeks I've lost just under 5lbs which makes me feel really great.
Edit (about 1230 original post was at 7am) I had no idea this would blow up again but thank you again. Shelby just left to go to her apartment after we sat and chatted a bit. She is an amazing girl and I get zero hint that anything went on (just adding this for the people who think she and Graig are shady).
She was so appreciative and she's going to baby sit for us whenever we need it and do a girls day at a spa in Denver with me when the ski season is over and her weekends free up.
What's crazy is how this and my last posts comments are so split down the middle. To just answer the most common questions comments:
I was really kidding about him looking at Shelbys bikini...if he looked he looked but it was still a little shocking to see another woman's more intimate parts so close to my husband. The hot tub pool was for the entire hotel so as far as I know they were never there alone, at least for very long. I should add that Shelby had a towell around her waist.
I didn't go or have the option to go because we have kids in school and Graig booked this trip last summer. They were leaving Sunday and his friend cancelled Friday so it was far to late to make two week child care plans. He asked Shelby (as opposed to other people from that group of friends) because she's the only one really on his level of skiing.
Upgrading to the suite cost me $50 a night extra and...which was not cheap but trying to get two rooms would have been $450 a night extra. This was the best compromise I could come up with.
I'm still insecure but I'm working on it. I'm not sure if I need therapy or need to just get something in my life other than kids/husband to look forward to. I was in quite a rut. The hot yoga has really helped because it's challenging and I've made new friends.
Thank you again for all the comments...the positive and the negative. I'm not a great writer so the people who like how I handled this will continue to and the people that didn't like what I did won't--just trust I handled this the best way I knew how. To the guys asking for Shelbys Instagram...funny but no.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I'm happy you two communicated and built a ton of trust out of this trip. Good for you!
Good for you. From Personal experience, I can tell you that the children of close friends, especially old family friends, can become like family. You have seen them from being a newborn, and as they have gone through childhood.
Sometimes it can be hard to see them as anything but the cute kid that ran around in diapers. They may have grown into an "instagram model", but you still remember them as the kid who fell asleep at the kitchen table, while visiting with their parents.
Graig
Why would she describe the sibling-like banter between a 22 year old and her 9 year old son as “flirty”? What? OP clearly has some warped ways of looking at familial relationships. Ew.
I mean, Shelby was the flower girl in their wedding as a 12 year old child. OOP’s husband watched her grow up, it would be absolutely disgusting if he pursued her romantically/sexually. Given OOP has given no indication that her husband is a creep, I’d be inclined to believe him that he has no attraction to her and more sees her as a younger sibling.