'AITA for not being more transparent with my husband about my spending habits?' UPDATED 5X
"AITA for not being more transparent with my husband about what I'm spending my money on?"
LadySavings
Husband (33M) and (33f) have been married for 10 years, together since college. Since starting out we have made financial security a priority and have been able to achieve that, albeit with some good luck along the way.
We both have good jobs (paying close to 200K each). Student loans were paid off within a few years (both went to state schools with some scholarships so didn't have a lot of debt to begin with), we live in a house I inherited from my grandmother (no mortgage), and don't have any credit card debt.
We max out our 401(k)s and currently have 18 months of expenses in our emergency fund and are still adding to it. Our cars are both paid off and should be good for another 5+ years and we don't have any credit card debt.
We manage our finances in a hybrid manner - joint accounts for bills and savings, and separate accounts for our 'fun' money (we each get a pretty generous monthly allotment).
The fun money is strictly for our individual expenses (hobbies, clothes, outings with friends, etc.) and NOT for things like date nights, vacations, or larger joint purchases like household appliances and repairs which come out of our joint account.
We also agreed that if either of us gets any bonuses (or has any side hustle income) those will go into our individual fun money accounts, unless the funds are needed for a larger expense such as a major home repair.
In terms of the 'fun' money, my husband is much more of a spender than I am due to expensive hobbies (in particular golf and collecting sports memorabilia, and he's also more into designer clothes), which is fine - it's his fun money!
On the other hand, my hobbies are a lot less expensive (running/working out, reading, baking). In general I'm more introverted and a great time for me is tea with a friend at one of our homes, with homemade pastries.
I have also been getting back into gaming lately after setting it aside for much of the past decade while building my career.
After realizing I had more than enough in my fun money account, I decided to overhaul my gaming setup and got myself a new PC, desk and gaming chair (total cost of about $5,000).
However, upon hearing about the purchase, my husband is furious. He says he had no idea I had saved so much money and that I should have consulted him before spending $5K.
I asked what difference it made if it was my own accrued fun money and not our joint funds, and he insisted that my accumulating this amount, without telling him, was a form of financial infidelity. He says he lost trust in me and doesn't know what else I might be hiding.
He is demanding that I return the items I purchased and deposit most of the funds to our joint account. He wants to make a new rule that fun money accounts can't accumulate more than $2K and that any excess goes back to the joint account (a rule that would obviously favor him as a person who spends most of his allotment each month instead of saving up for anything bigger).
I feel like I am being punished for being more of a day-to-day saver than spender. It wouldn't occur to me to demand to know how much my husband has in his fun money account or to try to micromanage what he spends it on.
I wasn't hiding anything deliberately - he never asked about it until after I made the purchases. Still, maybe I should have been more transparent about my plans. So AITAH?
Miscellaneous Info: Husband and I each have our own office/hobby room in the house so it's not like the gaming setup was going in a space he uses.
I don't usually game when my husband is home unless he's already busy doing something else - my biggest block of gaming time is typically when he's off playing golf. Also, I run 40-50 miles a week so it's not like I am generally sedentary.
I can't think of a good reason why he would object to me gaming or having a nice gaming setup in my own space in the house.
Here were the top rated comments by readers:
miyuki_m
It's funny that he's accusing you of financial infidelity when he's trying to manipulate you into handing over money you saved.
This is a naked money grab. NTA.
The OP responded:
LadySavings
Yes, it does feel like he is trying to change the rules and make me feel guilty about not spending all my extra money right away. Honestly this is one of the main reasons I thought separate discretionary accounts was a good idea. Ironically I thought it would prevent arguments like this about what we should be spending or saving!
JonBenet_Palm
NTA. This isn't a money issue, it's a control issue.
Seems like you've spooked him by showing you can quietly amass funds out of sight. You are making a good income and have few expenses, so 5k should not be that big a deal regardless of the circumstance. The only reason it is, is because your spouse thinks he should have a say in your spending (read: freedom).
I'm not saying this is abusive behavior, it could be something else, but this is a thing abusers do. Better to nip it in the bud ... do not agree to the new 2k limit. Push back.
lostdragon05
NTA. He sounds super controlling and greedy. My wife and I manage our finances in a similar way. She spends her money on whatever she wants and I blow mine on outdoor stuff and video games. We have joint checking and savings for household expenses, kids, vacations, etc.
I’d sit him down and tell him how he chooses to spend his own money is his business and how you spend yours is your business. He agreed to this arrangement and doesn’t get to change the rules because he chooses to manage his money differently than you and you aren’t going to return anything because he is acting like a spoiled manchild who didn’t get a new toy when you did.
The OP responded again:
LadySavings
I actually had/have a lot more than $5K saved! We have had this arrangement for a few years and I typically only spend about $500 of my allotted $1500/month. Maybe a bit more some months if I need to replace my running shoes, buy other clothes, or have any outings with friends planned like concerts, but in that range.
A week later, the OP returned with an update:
LadySavings
My husband finally calmed down enough to have a conversation with me. As many others who provided comments suggested, it wasn't really about the money, but a window into larger issues in our relationship. Essentially, my husband has been feeling increasingly unhappy with me for a while, for the following reasons:
In general, he feels that he's a lot more committed to his career development than I am to mine. It's true that although we currently have about the same income, the ceiling for his field (finance) is a lot higher than the one for mine (tech/software dev).
He's currently in an executive training program and I'm decidedly not. He's feeling resentful that he's having to work long hours in a high-pressure environment, while I get to work primarily at home doing something that is fun and fairly easy for me and I'm not stretching myself to do more.
He's concerned that over time these resentments are going to build, and that I'm not going to end up pulling my weight financially if he takes huge leaps in his career and I don't.
He remarked that, since getting back into gaming a few months ago, I have been putting a bit less effort into cooking (I do nearly all the cooking because I work at home and have an easier schedule).
It's true that I have been fixing simpler meals (things like grilled chicken salads, or chili with cornbread) instead of elaborate meals with fussier foods and several sides.
He has also noticed that I haven't been doing the elaborate table settings I used to (with flowers on the table, fancy placemats, etc.) - honestly I didn't realize he noticed or cared about this, but apparently he does. Acts of service are one of his main love languages so overall he's feeling a little neglected because of this.
He also feels I'm not putting enough effort into my appearance. Not in terms of weight/body (I'm a long-distance runner and slim) but in terms of things like clothes, hair, etc.
It's true that I've never paid much attention to these things - given that I work at home in tech the standard for appearances is extremely low and I far exceed that. I tend to buy simple, practical clothes at places like Target and Walmart, don't wear much makeup and keep my hair in a simple ponytail.
I do glam up a lot more for date nights and other dressy occasions, but most days he comes home from work to find me in a T-shirt and yoga pants with no makeup, and he wants me to make more of an effort.
The bottom line is that because of all these things, he's starting to notice other women. Says he hasn't cheated, he's just noticing other people because he's regularly disappointed in me.
In particular, given that he works in finance there are a good number of very career-oriented, Type-A women who manage to have fantastic bodies, be effortlessly polished and glam, and have more interesting hobbies.
He also says he feels horrible about all this because he knows I am a good person and that he's being judgmental - that it's not so much I've changed as that his own goals and expectations have changed in the past couple years.
The 'financial infidelity' part came into it because he feels I'm not really investing in myself and our relationship - thus cheating on our future, in a sense.
He also says he loves me enough to be honest (I do believe he isn't trying to be hurtful, I really had to drag this all this out of him). That he doesn't want us to drift apart further, that he doesn't want to be angry and resentful, and he knows he is asking for a lot.
I know that many on this sub might say I should just tell him to take a hike and call my lawyer, but we've been married for 10 years, have invested a lot in the relationship, and I want to see if the marriage can be saved. So, a couple things.
First, we did make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start next week. Also, I'm going to try to do at least some of the above.
I'm not sure about making myself be more professionally ambitious when I'm already happy with my work-life balance and we're already financially very comfortable, but I can at least try doing the other things (return to spending more time on cooking and decor, and fix myself up a bit when he's on his way home from work) now that I know they are important to him.
I also know that in the end, I may feel like I am just tiptoeing around and contorting myself to please him, but it won't cost me much (certainly much less than a divorce!) to try for a month or two and then see how we both feel. And I know I would always regret it if I didn't try.
So, maybe not the update that you were expecting or hoping for, but that's where things are. And if folks continue to be interested, I can update further once we have started marriage counseling and once I can feel out how the changes are going.
I need to call it a night but once again thank you to everyone for your responses.
They were really eye-opening and helped me to see that I do deserve better than the way I am being treated, and that the expectations my husband is laying out for me are unfair and unrealistic, especially as he isn't doing anything at all to make it easier for me to meet them or to show me he appreciates my efforts and everything I do bring to the table.
I am indeed conditioned to be very people-pleasing and that is impacting what I think is reasonable here. I have a lot to think about, such as - what do I *really* want here?
What is going to make me happy, especially if I have to keep making myself smaller (metaphorically speaking) and contorting myself to please my husband? Do I really want to be in a marriage under those conditions?
I think I'm really selling myself short if I just agree to most of what he demands. Still going to go to the marriage counseling appointment but I think I will wait to make any other changes until we can at least get some professional input.
Additional Edit: To clarify, my typical at-home attire/look that he has been complaining about looks something like this: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-seamless-baby-t-shirt-joylab/-/A-87399931?preselect=87390237#lnk=sametab
(This is NOT me but a similar look - fitted short-sleeved shirt, yoga pants, hair in a ponytail. Something that looks casual but neat. I am NOT wearing sloppy, baggy, sweatpants and oversized T-shirts!)
Here were the top rated comments after this newest update:
Spare-Article-396
OP, I feel for you. Your replies are painful to read because they have so much hope in them and you seem to be rationalizing this bats@*t expectation that you further your career, put on lipstick, and put flowers on the table.
It’s such a disproportionate life.
I hope it’s not as futile as it seems to be. Good luck.
The OP responded here:
LadySavings
Thank you. I just don't want to give up on a decade of marriage. My glasses aren't entirely rose-colored, I know there is a good chance he will move the goalposts or won't actually appreciate the changes, but I want to at least try before I move away from the marriage.
milksteak122
Also don’t give into the sunk cost fallacy too much. You have spent 10 years with him but there are some major red flags in your post where he either changed in those 10 years or he has been hiding this part of himself. If his expectations don’t make you happy it does not matter how long you have been with him.
Honestly it was kind of troubling reading your post and what he said he wishes you would do. It feels like a very one way relationship.
TwistyHeretic2
So he wants you to be checks notes
A career-oriented go-getter
A glammed-up bit of arm candy
AND a perfect Susie Homemaker in a pastel twin-set and pearls.
Sorry, darling... he's full of it. He's trying to make his wandering eyes and loose zipper your fault. I'll bet $50 mil (in Monopoly money) that he's already cheating.
Grimouire
Not sure how his changing expectations are a you problem. Either way where do his expectations end, is it even possible for you to ever achieve? Sounds like he's doing a grass is greener thing. Ohhh woe is me, I have to work longer, harder in a field that is stressful and make about the same as you and you enjoy your job, and chill... Good luck!
Takeabreak128
Love the way he put ALL the weight on you. What is he bringing to the table? Maybe if he sent you some flowers regularly, they’d be on the dinner table. Mr. finance has drunk the kool aid. Got a feeling in another 10 years you won’t be able to stand him.
He now wants an accessory wife. You’re worth much more than that and making the same damn money. At the end of this crisis, I hope you know your worth. Good luck and remember who you are.
A week after this surprise update, the OP AGAIN returned:
LadySavings
Hi All...so I have an additional (and probably not very surprising) update to my saga.
So, the more I thought about it, the more his requests - demands, really - were sitting poorly with me. I decided to try a little experiment over the weekend to see what would happen if I tried to meet some of his demands.
NOT because I actually thought they were reasonable, but because I increasingly had the sense that the goalposts would just keep moving and that I was playing a losing game.
So, Saturday morning, I went to the salon for a glow-up (haircut, fresh highlights, mani/pedi) then went to the farmer's market to pick up fresh flowers for our table and assorted other gourmet ingredients.
Saturday is usually our date night out but I suggested we stay in so I could make us a special dinner, steakhouse style (lobster bisque, bread basket with several types of rolls/savory muffins made from scratch, crab-stuffed mushrooms, filet mignon, au gratin potatoes, white chocolate mousse topped with raspberries).
I wore a lavender (his favorite color on me) sheath dress and high heels and fully done hair and makeup. For all that I got a lukewarm 'thanks, it was tasty' and a kiss on the cheek. Of course I did all the serving and cleanup.
Sunday we usually go out but he suggested I make us brunch at home. So I made French-press coffee, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, Belgian waffles with a bananas Foster topping, eggs scrambled with parmesan and fresh herbs from our garden, roasted fingerling potatoes, and maple-glazed bacon.
I wore a blue sleeveless sundress, wedge sandals, again did my hair and makeup. Again I got a 'thanks, it's good' and no help with serving or cleanup.
Afterwards I asked if this is what he had in mind when he critiqued me before. He said that it was a start, but that I was 'acting very entitled for wanting credit for basic adulting.'
He then dropped a bomb that he was being so hard on me because he had realized lately I had a lot to make up for due to my being a 'low-value woman.' I asked what on earth he meant by that and he said it was because I wasn't a virgin when we met. WHAT?!?!
Keep in mind we started dating at 21, neither of us claimed to be virgins or stated that as an expectation. Except for very religious people (neither of us is) I don't think most 21-year-old college students are virgins.
I was upfront with him then that I'd had two previous partners, my high school boyfriend (we went our separate ways when we went to different colleges in different parts of the country) and another boyfriend I'd had my first year of college. And that's it, both committed relationships and nothing casual.
He then went on to say that because of my low value, I was going to need to be making it up to him for the rest of my life. That I didn't deserve monogamy or equal treatment and that I was lucky that anyone at all wanted to marry me. And - that he's 'connected' with someone from work so if I wanted to keep him I'd better step up.
I told him it didn't sound like there was anything to keep if he no longer loved me (or even liked or respected me). I told him to leave and he said he would gladly go to his girlfriend's place.
I know SO many people here insisted he was having an affair and I just didn't want to see it, that his 'complaints' were really all part of a campaign to distance himself from me. I feel SO foolish for just thinking he was going through a stressful time at work or that he genuinely wanted to work on our marriage.
Anyway I have taken the week off from work to get my head together. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. I canceled the marriage counseling appointment but got a referral to an individual therapist who can do an intake session with me later in the week.
He (and the girlfriend apparently) are coming this evening to get more of his clothes and things so I have to brace myself for that.
Also, please be assured I do NOT think I am low-value in any way. I let my husband make me think less of myself on some levels for a short time but now I truly see it was a 'him' problem. Obviously we don't share the same goals and values and he has become someone I don't recognize.
I know the divorce won't be fun or easy, but I will be okay. Thank you all for helping me see that I was being played before I wasted too much more time in a marriage that was already over.
Here were the top rated comments on, what appeared to be, the OP's final update:
Fresa22
I know this is going to be rough, but I'm not going to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this because I'm on the other side of almost the exact same thing and I promise you life after getting rid of this man is going to be amazing.
You're going to realize how much of your effort this leech was stealing from you and it's going to feel like a huge weight has been lifted. The only regret you will have is that you didn't do it earlier.
LadySavings
Yeah, although it's been a rude shock I'm actually glad things came to a head so quickly instead of getting dragged out. I'm glad he fessed up, in a sense anyway, before we actually started investing in marriage counseling. It's only been a couple days since the big revelation and his departure but I have already realized how soul-sucking the marriage had become and how much better off I am.
Excellent_Ad1664
Holy f*ck, I knew he was a d^%$head but to this level??? “low value woman”??? God not the Andrew Tate phrasing and him expecting everyone to be a virgin is such a weird thing. The good thing is that you got rid of that parasite and you’ll be better off without him. I’m happy you’re moving forward and not letting it eat you.
The OP responded here:
LadySavings
Yes, it seems like he fell down a toxic masculinity hole at some point fairly recently. Retroactively punishing me for not being a virgin at the outset, after a 12-year relationship including 10 years of marriage, is just completely over the top. I even said, 'So this person you connected with at work, is actually a virgin?'
'Well, she WAS,' he said, with a smirk. (So, virgin or not, someone who would sleep with a married colleague is higher-value than me? Unless he lied about his marital status/situation which I wouldn't put past him.)
ivityCreations
“She was”…? So is he actively admitting infidelity now? 🤔
The OP responded here again:
LadySavings
Yes, he admitted he has been having an affair for several months. He kept trying to say that 'it doesn't really count as cheating' because I'm low-value so the standards are different.
Latest Update: Was accused of financial infidelity/husband was actually cheating...
LadySavings
Not sure if folks remember, but I had a series of posts earlier in the summer (actual links in my profile) - first, about whether I was the AH for buying an expensive gaming PC, desk and chair with my own allocation of 'fun money,' leading to an accusation of 'financial infidelity' from my husband.
Later he told me the actual issue was that he was disappointed by my job (senior software dev, but not on the executive management track), relatively casual appearance (not dressing up in dresses, makeup and heels for dinners at home) and my failure to cook extremely elaborate multi-course meals on a nightly basis.
After a simple experiment showed that changing these things (the cooking and appearance, anyway) would not actually make him happy, he accused me of being 'low value' because I wasn't a virgin when we met (in college, 12 years go, something he had never stated was an issue before) and then admitted he was cheating with a coworker.
Who is now pregnant. Last I updated, he had moved in with Amy (his coworker) and we were starting the divorce process. I'm updating again here because a lot of kind people have been checking in with well-wishes and to see how I'm holding up.
Sorry for not updating sooner, but as soon as I got back from the spa weekend I mentioned in my last update, I dove into working with my attorney on the divorce settlement, and didn't think it wise to put my business on the Internet, however anonymously, with the legal issues up in the air.
The good news is that we were able to come to an agreement pretty quickly and everything is now executed (just waiting for the court date which could take another couple months, but my lawyer says the agreement is airtight). It wasn't quite as favorable as most of you all lovely folks probably would have wanted for me, but I was highly motivated to get it done fast.
I did get everything that really mattered to me: first, the house I inherited from my grandmother is 100% mine, along with all the furnishings and other effects in the house. My own retirement accounts and my 'fun money' account are all mine as well. Otherwise, I did have to give him 75% of the other cash assets.
Although he wasn't on the title for the house, he did contribute substantially to the large renovation we did, as well as to upkeep since then, and the house appreciated very substantially in the years since we moved in. It's fine as I still have plenty of money, especially as I'm quite frugal most of the time and can rebuild cash savings quickly.
Our agreement also states that neither of us has a claim on each other's past, present or future earnings. So in case something happens and he loses his job before the court date, I won't be liable for any alimony. This is actually overall a very good deal for me and gives me a lot of security.
(In case anyone is wondering how we got this done so quickly: our state allows divorce on 'mutual consent' grounds, which basically allows for a quick divorce without a legal separation period if the parties come to an agreement about all the finances/assets. Given that Amy is pregnant, my soon-to-be-ex (let's call him 'Joe' - yes, like the psychopath in the show You) was also very motivated to not drag this out.)
Now for the real dirt of this update: last weekend, shortly after all our papers were signed, Amy reached out to me. She asked if we could meet and talk. Perhaps I should have declined, but I will admit I was curious about the '24-year-old prodigy and until recently a virgin' person who was Joe's affair partner, so I agreed to meet her for lunch.
So, the first thing is, Amy is *very* pregnant, like third trimester. She confirmed she is due in mid-October, which means the affair has been going on a whole lot longer than Joe let on. Whatever, it's water under the bridge as the divorce is almost final.
However, after some polite but chilly pleasantries, she asked me, when am I going to be moving out of the house? Because surely Joe has been patient enough with giving me time to get my life together? And her apartment is small and they are needing space for the baby.
Uhhhh...what? I told her she must be mistaken as the house is mine, inherited from my grandmother, but asked her...what else has Joe told her about me, and our marriage? And...lie after lie (Joe's lies, that is) tumbled out of her mouth, along with crumbs of the real story. These gems include:
Well, it was true that she and Joe met at work. But it was about a year ago, when they were both interviewing for the executive training program they are now in. Amy said, though, that they first became friends before getting together romantically.
Apparently, Joe told her that he was legally married but that we had been 'separated in spirit and living separate lives' since 2020. But that he didn't want to kick me out and make me homeless during the pandemic because I didn't make much money and we live in a HCOL.
Joe told Amy that we met in our early 20s when he was mentoring me in a GED prep program - that I was a high school dropout who was struggling with addiction, and essentially, that he 'rescued' me. Helped me get clean, tutored me for my GED, and had been supporting me since through gradually working on college classes.
He told Amy I was working on prepping for an IT career and was currently making $45K as a help desk technician and that he wanted to make sure I could at least afford a studio apartment.
It is true that Amy was a 24-year-old virgin prodigy. She seemed dismayed that Joe had told me that, though (at least the virgin part). Said it wasn't a moral issue, she really was just focused on school and work and didn't make time to date.
And that generally guys her age seemed mostly interested in casual hookups, especially the younger finance bro types, and she wasn't interested in that, but that Joe took the time to get to know her and was actually interested in a meaningful relationship.
I asked her if the pregnancy was...planned? She said no, of course not, but it was a miracle because Joe had a vasectomy, so they took that as a sign that they should keep the baby.
Uhhh...no, Joe did NOT have a vasectomy. As we were planning to be a child-free couple I suggested it a couple times over the years, he firmly stated he didn't want to alter his body like that, so he left birth control as my responsibility.
So...it really does seem that Amy is pretty blameless here. I mean, those of us who have been around the block would likely know not to believe a guy who claims to be 'separated' but is still legally married and living with his wife.
But...without her having any dating/relationship experience I can see where she would have taken him at his word, about everything. After all, I didn't know anything was amiss with Joe until a couple months ago - and I was married to him.
Of course Amy didn't want to believe me, and I don't blame her for that either...after all, she's been in a relationship with Joe for close to a year and is 7+ months pregnant with his baby, who is coming soon, ready or not. I couldn't immediately refute everything she said, but showed her a couple things.
First, a picture of me in my late teens with my grandmother in front of my house, and also, my Linkedin profile which shows my current job and education. Told her to do what she wanted with the info and to please stay safe and take care of herself, and then said my goodbyes. Yes, it was all very odd and unexpected and surreal.
Sorry this is so long but figured those following my tale would be interested in this turn. I am not sure if I will update again...maybe in a year or so when I have truly processed everything with lots of therapy and am hopefully on to living my best life. As for Joe and Amy, it's up to them to find whatever their path is.
I do hope she wises up and leaves him but am sadly not confident about that. I'm sure he will be able to spin all this in his favor because that's what he does. But I also can't make it my problem anymore.
Here were the top rated comments after this depressing update:
Duckr74
Holy crap. Glad the trash took itself out.
The OP responded here:
LadySavings
Me too. I'm actually SO glad Joe started negging me, because otherwise I might not have known for a long time (although it might have been difficult to conceal a baby for too long).
Daztur
Yeah, the nagging in the original post was just so bizarre. Even aside from the stupid virgin bit wanting someone who is a super housewife AND a corporate mover and shaker AND always fashionable well put together is just insane. Nobody can do all of that and still have time to sleep.
The OP again responded:
LadySavings
I think I've determined that because Amy's pregnancy was progressing he was starting to get nervous about how he would juggle everything and decided to preemptively blow up the marriage in order to get the upper hand. So none of those things were genuine critiques, they were just designed to throw me off-balance.
weeburdies
He will soon be parking his shoes under the bed of another naive woman and complaining about being baby trapped. Amy is in for some tough lessons.
Well, it turns out this wasn't actually the OP's final update because, a few months later, they again returned with another update:
LadySavings
Hi everyone! Not sure if anyone remembers as it's been a few months since my last update, but I originally posted earlier this year about my husband "Joe" accusing me of "financial infidelity" because I had spent some of my own fun money/savings (within our agreed-upon personal spending limits) on a gaming PC and home office setup.
Which then devolved into him (unfairly) accusing me of slacking on my personal appearance, career, and housework, and soon it came it out that he'd been having an affair with a coworker ("Amy") who had become pregnant. We separated right after that (he moved out and in with her). (And, apologies in advance, the next update (below) is quite long!)
Last time I updated, we had thankfully quickly agreed on a divorce settlement that allowed me to protect my most important assets, and I had just met with his mistress Amy at her request.
At which time it was made clear that he had lied to her about numerous circumstances, such as that our home belonged to him (it did not, I inherited it from my grandmother), that I was an underemployed high school dropout addict.
I'm not, I have a master's degree and a high-paying tech job), that we'd been "separated in spirit" for years (also not true, I didn't know anything until he blurted out the news about his affair over the summer), and that he had a vasectomy (he did not, we talked about it but he decided not to despite us - him in particular - not wanting kids).
I told her the truth and even provided as much evidence as I had on me, but she didn't seem believe me and went on home to Joe. I know quite a few people have been reaching out for more news, but I wanted to wait until my divorce was finalized to avoid risking any complications, and also just thought it best to let things settle for a bit.
The good news is - I'm now divorced! The final decree came through a few weeks ago. It actually all went very smoothly (I'm eternally grateful to live in a "mutual consent" divorce state that allows divorcing couples to proceed quickly if they can come to an agreement on finances and property).
On the Joe/Amy front, after my last post, all was quiet for a couple weeks, until Amy, her due date quickly approaching, reached out *again* to ask if I'd given any more thought to her offer to pay me $17K to vacate the house quickly so that she and Joe could move in.
Again this is the house I inherited that I own free and clear, but Joe told her he owns it and that he was just giving me time to get my finances together before evicting me.
At this point I decided to package up a lot more evidence of Joe's lies to send on to Amy. I sent her a copy of the deed and property tax records showing the house is in my name only. I sent her copies of my diplomas to prove I am not a high school dropout.
I sent her some info on various professional associations I am involved in and awards I have won to show I actually do have a senior-level job and am not underemployed, as well as proof of my income.
I sent her copies of all my drug test results for the past 5 years (I have a drug-free workplace and have to test 2-3 times a year) to show I am not an addict. I sent her time-stamped photos and text exchanges to show that Joe was still having a romantic relationship with me until July this year.
Nothing salacious, just photos of us showing G-rated affection, exchanging loving words over text, etc. I even found a text exchange from a couple years ago when we last discussed him potentially getting a vasectomy, with his final decision not to proceed with one.
A couple days later she responded - she believed me! However, in the end it didn't matter as Joe convinced her he had lied for Very Good Reasons. The way they both tell the story, they met at work and were incredibly drawn to each other, in a way that felt "inevitable."
However, due to Joe being married, he felt that if Amy knew he was (to that point) happily married she would either turn away from him and miss out on the "love of a lifetime," or she would go ahead with an affair but be consumed with guilt.
So, to avoid either of these outcomes, and especially to save Amy from guilt, Joe decided to create an alternative narrative in which he was in a marriage that had ended for all intents and purposes years ago, in all ways but legally.
Because I was an uneducated addict who kept relapsing and couldn't get my life together. That was she could essentially believe he was single. (How noble of Joe, to bear all the guilt alone! /s)
Unfortunately, Amy said she understood and forgave him immediately. With a baby due any day, I suppose I can sort of understand the desire to justify the lies, even thought the reality is horrifying. I suppose it's also not my problem anymore. Amy did have her baby over a month ago and I guess she and Joe will...make whatever life together (or not) if it is meant to be.
As for me, I'm doing very well! Actually got a big promotion at work (not managing people which I don't want to do, but will be working on higher-profile projects - with a 40% raise!) which starts after the new year.
The house is really big for just me, so I have a couple roommates now - a friend who is also going through a divorce moved in, as well as a younger (mid-20s) cousin who moved to the city for work.
We're all having a lot of fun together. I'm not really ready to date yet (still in therapy processing all the marital fallout) but getting there and looking forward to whatever new adventures life has to offer. This will probably be my last post (in this series anyway) as the saga of Joe and Amy, or at least my role in it, is finished.
With us legally divorced and having no ongoing financial or other ties, the best thing I can do is leave them to their own story and get on with my Joe-free next phase. Thank you all for listening to my story for much of 2023, I do truly appreciate the support and helpful advice I received along the way.
Here were the top rated comments from readers who followed this whole saga:
Elfich47
"When do we get the house?"
Boy that girl is going to be in for a bumpy ride.
tsukiii
Considering Joe’s spending habits and the very expensive addition of a baby… I think they’re going to be in her apartment for quite some time.
TheSilkyBat
This Andrew Tate 'low value woman' nonsense is not only ridiculous, but disgusting.
Amy is a giant fool and will see in time what a mistake she has made.
mauve55
I am happy for your update. However, Amy is still a fool but unfortunately, she will not realize that until Joe cheats on her. Because cheat on her, he will, but at some point she will have to grow up, but it’s not your problem anymore. I am glad that your life is looking up, and I hope in the future you can actually meet a good person and not a scumbag like Joe.
The OP responded here:
LadySavings
Yes, I tried to warn Amy and even provided her with evidence that he would just lie and lie for his own convenience - but if she's chosen to stay with him to try to make a happy family, well...that's gonna be on her.
Especially as she also has her own fancy degrees and a high income of her own; it's not like she's trapped by circumstances. Anyway, time to leave them to their own devices and refocus on my own life.