'AITA for agreeing that my boyfriend didn’t help enough with our baby?' UPDATED
"AITA for agreeing that my boyfriend didn’t help enough with our baby?"
I (24F) and my boyfriend (25m) recently had a baby together. A little background before I get into it. I am a stay at home mom and he works full time (hours are normally 12 hours a day M-F and 6-8 hours on Saturday).
This is both of ours first time being a parent so we are figuring it out as we go basically. Last week he expressed to me that he doesn’t feel like he helps enough and to his surprise I agreed.
I knew getting into our relationship that I would be a stay at home mom. His mom was one and he loved it. Not to mention his working hours so I knew that it would be hard just not this hard. Basically I take the baby all day and night since he works.
He only takes the baby for about 20 minutes to an hour when he gets home and he helps clean the baby's bottles every other day. Sometimes on his day off he will take the baby so I can sleep in for two hours. But that’s all the help I get.
I told him during this arrangement that he doesn’t give me a break. Plain and simple. He got defensive about how he’s the one who has the financial burden and I agree it can’t be a good feeling wondering if you can feed your family.
But he makes a good 9k every 2 weeks so it’s not like we are drowning. Anyways, he asked me why I didn’t think he was helping and I told him that I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the bottles, bath time, overnights, and during the day. I get a 20 min to an hour break when I’m eating supper after he’s done with his meal.
He claimed that he can’t hear the baby crying at night which I think is crazy because the baby screams bloody murder most of the time. So I told him that was bs since he wakes up on the ring of his alarm.
I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here. I get what I said probably hurt his feelings but he doesn’t help. He told if I feel that way then I need to ask for help.
I told him I shouldn’t have to ask for him to help with his baby. If the baby is hungry he should be able to feed it. If the diaper needs changed he should be able to change it etc.
Edit: I would like to thank everyone for commenting but I would also like to address a few things
1- my boyfriend is blue collar so me going back to work wouldn’t magically mean he works less it just means we would both have crazy hours since my prior job required me to be on call a lot and some stranger would be raising our son. He also loves his job and if he had the option I don’t think he’s cut down on hours anyways
2- some of you were concerned with my age and not being able to support myself if things go bad. Prior to having my son I was a social worker so I could always go back.
3- I wouldn’t consider us rich by any means but I thinks that’s mainly because 8k of his monthly income goes back into his work supplies. (Oxygen and acetylene tanks, rods, FR clothing, ect)
4- I have thought about getting his opinion on hiring help, but I do have trust issues due to my prior work experience and even some personal experience with child abuse, neglect, things like that. So that’s on me for sure
5- I never meant to make him feel like a dead beat. I know he loves our son with everything in him it’s just the lack of help. I do agree I could have worded things better though.
6- I do not sit all day and just watch my baby sleep that’s for sure. He does get hot meals when he comes home and I do pack his lunch for him since I know if he did it himself he’d make pb&js lol
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NAH. Tough conversations need to be had. You're both new at this. Those are some crazy work hours - and babies are some crazy work hours.
Very true. Both are NAH as they are facing two extremely tiring situations - a very long blue collar work hours and a baby who is honestly a 24/7 job. Probably they should think of hiring a help. Also, ways in which both can afford to take breaks etc. They need to charter a plan.
NTA, but take some of that $18k/month and hire help. Also, the unmarried SAHP path can be risky if things don’t work out.
OP has since added that 8k, 8k!! of that money goes back into supplies for his work (I think he must be a welder or something), so really he makes about 120k a year after overhead which is very good if LCOL area, but not 216k a year good.
Regardless. It is a very unstable situation that will only deteriorate if they have more children. Getting help - cleaning or some child minding, would be a good idea so OP can regain some of her freedom.
But, the husband is working what... 78 hours a week? That shit will kill you and rot your love of life too. None of this is sustainable.
In the same post OP came back with this update:
First I would like to say thank you to everyone for your advice. I do see how I am perceived as the AH in some of y’all’s eyes and I am very grateful for all he does for the family but I still don’t think that doesn’t mean I can’t have break.
We did have a good conversation about the situation at hand and we have figured out what will work best for both us. I offered to go back to work to take some of the financial burden off of him.
He told me he didn’t think it was reasonable for me to return to work and have us both working insane hours and our child not having a parent most of the week. (I would like to add like he did tell me if I wanted to go back he fully support it but that was his opinion).
I do agree with that since my previous job was a 60hr work week as well as being in call. Unfortunately neither one of our families are up here in Colorado with us. We moved up from the south so all family is back there. A LOT of y’all brought up the money. To me money is replaceable but time with his child isn’t.
I did express my concern about the bonding time with his and our son which he agreed to as well. I would also like to point out that we are engaged and no I won’t be signing a prenup for those of you calling me an entitled c***.
We do have a day set for our wedding so it’s not like we aren’t planning on the future. For those of you asking I do all the bills, planning, ect for our family. I guess that would be more like a household manager idk honestly. I am very great full for everyone’s advice ?