Here's some family drama so toxic it could be a song by Britney Spears.
My sister in law (34F) has named my (29M) wife (30F) her bridesmaid at her wedding. In Milan. On my 30th birthday. I'm not invited.
My wife told me a couple days ago her sister would be getting married on the weekend of my 30th birthday on the other side of the world.
I will have to stay home, alone, with our toddler for a week taking care of him. Alone. I'm pretty deeply upset she is even considering being a part of this. Her sister has always had it out for me, ever since the beginning of our relationship (8yrs).
She is a doctor, and looks down on any and all people who don't have MD's and JD's.
She tried to break up our relationship in all stages, but because my wife and I have a great relationship, and her and her sister do not (my wife sees through her Miami-high rise-South Beach-clubbing-Mercedes Benz-lifestyle), these attempts have always been brushed off as being sourced in her superficiality.
I really dislike her, but I'm fortunate to be able to avoid contact entirely.
Her whole family, in fact, will not even speak to me. They never have, save for her mother on a handful on occasions over the last eight years, at our wedding, and when we had our baby.
I have never even seen/met her brother — a cardiologist — and was also put in the awkward position of being not invited to his wedding, while my wife was, and I stayed home as the babysitter.
But now my SIL is getting married. In Milan. And my wife is considering going to be a part of her wedding. We really don't have it in the budget for world travel, but it's not an impossible expenditure.
However, I'm not invited. I was told I 'could' come to Italy but have nothing to do with the wedding. AKA, take care of the kiddo and generally be alone. No thanks.
My wife doesn't want to fly for 18ish hours alone with our son — so I will be home alone with a two-year-old on my 30th birthday. We have no family or friends in our area (rural), and we are a very strong family unit. Last year, for my wife's 30th birthday, we all went to Hawaii.
Her going to Milan would be the budget we had planned for my birthday vacation (far more modest- a weekend driving getaway to a national park).
She thinks I'm overreacting and should respect 'her family,' despite them showing me absolutely none. Am I that wrong to be upset about this?
Ouch. OP's in whatever's much worse than the doghouse here, and you can't help but feel the tension. The comments weren't charitable when it comes to his in-laws.
I don't go anywhere my spouse is not welcome.
Your wife should feel the same. You are her family. When you got married, her family of origin became her extended family. At least, that's what should have happened.
When you invite someone to a wedding the invitation to the spouse is implied. To specifically single them out is insanely rude (unless there's literally like ten guests or something and even then it's iffy).
Your wife needs to tell her that you two are a package deal.
The fact that it's on your birthday or in Milan is irrelevant though. You can't expect a couple to consult a birthday calendar for all potential guests and their spouses. You're too old to pout about your birthday being ruined. And they can hold it wherever they want.
The only legit gripe you have is not being invited, so focus on that.
When someone asked what OP did to alienate his wife's entire family, he insisted that they have no respect for his wife and that they hold his lack of higher degree against him. 'They only see that I am not a doctor and don't make six figures.'
OP also pointed out that his SIL had sent him 'emails calling me trash, ect. All before even meeting me.'
Be aware that they may try to push someone over your wife there, and warn her.
Yeah, I'd be hurt too. Naturally it would be possible for you to defer your birthday celebration, but the cost of flying her to Milan will make that financially infeasible - all that to gratify people who hate you.
Don't make demands right now, but tell her how you feel: that you're hurt, and you're resentful that her family is making her choose between you and them.
Once she takes that fully on board you guys can talk more constructively about how to handle this.
Cathline puts a bow on it:
Why is your wife not standing up for you?
And, at least for this comment board, that about summed it up.