Wife seeks advice after husband's confession of longtime affair with male best friend. + UPDATE
"My (35F) Husband (36M) admitted to cheating with his best friend (36M), I'm not mad and I don't know why. Any advice would help."
ThrowRAwhyarentimad
I (35F) have been married to my husband for a bit under 10 years now. We have no children. Yesterday night, after dinner, my husband (Jay) broke down and admitted he's been sleeping with his childhood best friend (Pete) for quote "a while now, longer than I want to say".
It was the first time I have seen him cry in more than 2 years over something serious. Jay is the kind that cries over dogs dying in shows but is stony silent at tragedy. However, I'm not mad. I'm not even sure I care. I do love my husband more than anything in the world and I don't want to leave him. I can't move on, I can't stay like this and I don't want to.
But Jay has said he won't stop seeing Pete, no matter what I choose. He's sorry for doing this to me and he has said he loves me, and I'm his wife and heart, but Pete means the same to him.
Basically he can't choose. he loves us both. It falls to me to choose and I don't know what to do. Honestly the bit that hurts the most is the fact that Pete is a good friend of mine but he couldn't face me himself and instead let jay break down in front of me.
Sorry, this turned into a rant. Any advice would help. If anyone has gone through something similar? its come up a bit so: my husband has been openly bisexual since before I even met him. Peter is bi or pan? He's dated guys and girls (and other) in the past (no one in the last 3 years to my knowledge) I'm straight.
Since apparently I have no self esteem, i guess i couldn't possibly have 4 degrees, a PHD, make roughly $120K a year, be the main provider for the household, run my own business and go to the gym twice a week.
I know i look good, i actually have a rather large ego about myself. This honestly has nothing to do with self esteem. I don't know where it reads that "im a poor little girl who got in over her head by a big strong man" but i can bench press jay in weight. I know what I'm worth and I know I want Jay so.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Purple_Bowling_Shoes
I think you're still in shock and need some time to process all of this. It's a lot to take in and make sense of. Throwing it out here to wilds of the internet is actually a good first step. Input from other people will likely help you make sense of how you feel. You say it's nothing, but it's probably everything. I'm not saying this to be snarky/sarcastic.
As to what happens? Let the shock wear off, let the emotions flow through you- you will eventually have a LOT of emotions that don't always make sense, or are not compatible. Then let that storm pass and sit for a while in the quiet and allow yourself the freedom to do what's best for you you.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRAwhyarentimad
Thank you, this is probably the best advice.
Spirited_Pookie12
Even now, he isn't choosing you. Being BI isn't an excuse to cheat. Being BI isn't an excuse to betray, lie, and manipulate. He wants life to stay the same because of course it's wonderful for him, a loving wife and his best friend on the side. He wants to make you the bad guy cos the poor cheating liar loves you both oh so much.
Roughly two and a half month later, the OP returned with an update.
ThrowRAwhyarentimad
Hi all! Some of you are about to lose your mind! Side note: I chose to cancel my meeting with Pete. After reading all your advice I chose to ask for space, which he (Jay 36M) freely gave. He was staying at a friends house when I called (I couldn't face him yet) and asked.
This helped to confirm what I already knew, he was indeed staying with our mutual friends. A married LESBIAN (both 36F) couple, so no he didn't run to Pete (36M) as some of you thought. I was leaning towards separation after reading your advice.
Well, a few days after I requested space, I decided to ask for separation officially. To cut a long and ice-cream and tear filled three weeks short, I caved and called him. I did not beg for him back or anything like that. I asked him out for a walk and we had a long talk.
It was a fair while ago so I can't word-for-word type what was said, but it boiled down to this:
1- I still love him no matter what. 2- He still loves me no matter what. 3- He loves Pete no matter what. 4- He does not value either of us above the other.
When he spoke about me leaving but him not leaving Pete, he was giving me an out more then anything else. Jay would be destroyed if I chose to leave but he didn't want me to stay if I truly didn't want to, which is why he didn't beg for me to stay.
After this talk, we stayed separate for a few more days. About 7 weeks ago, Jay moved back home and Pete came over for dinner. That talk was longer, harder and contained more personal details that I do not want to share here. But the points were as follows:
Jay and Pete have not been together as long as I feared. It's about 28 months, not since they were teens. Pete truly didn't want me to get hurt and he was the one pushing Jay to be honest with me. Pete is gay, but he dated girls in the past. Neither of us are attracted to each other and we are not together.
We are all going to individual and couples and group therapy. Couples are each of us as; Me and jay need to work out our marriage and emotions, Pete and Jay need to work out the secrecy and talk through their own relationship and Pete and I want to work on working together.
Something I should have mentioned, but didn't due to the fact I knew how reddit would react, is I am asexual. I am not in any way sexually attracted to my husband, or any one for that matter. However, I choose to have relations with him as I know he enjoys it.
I still have a libido, I just don't feel the "need" to have sex. When I have sex with Jay, rarely, once every two months, it isn't a chore but more a more intimate cuddle. Jay knows this and has known this our entire marriage.
In fact, he was the one who helped me figure out I was asexual. If this is hard for you to understand, remember attraction =/= choices. So yeah. That's my story. I can take further questions in the comments.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's updated post:
hooj
It’s surprising for a very educated person to have missed the sunk cost fallacy. Maybe you will truly be okay with the semi-open arrangement in the long term, but from the outside looking in, it really doesn’t seem worth it.
honesttaway2024
Sooo, as another asexual, I do get why they wanted to avoid the aphobia, but not mentioning that was definitely leaving out a key point in the story. I personally would've still been incredibly hurt about having been lied to and betrayed by two people I trusted.
But if nothing else, it might explain why OP isn't specifically as bothered by her husband having a relationship with someone else. What kind of sucks is that it sounds like she might've been okay with her husband and Pete having relations or even having a full open/poly thing if they'd just asked her about it instead of sneaking around behind her back.
coitus_introitus
A partner of mine a long time ago cheated with an assortment of people I didn't know. There was a lot more to it like there always is, but the relevant part is that I wouldn't have cared even the tiniest bit about the relations or the intimacy, but I was livid over the lying and sneaking around.
In a way, the fact that I wouldn't have cared at all made me even angrier about the lying. He was the one who wanted to be monogamous, and turning around and cheating after I agreed to that deal just seemed so gratuitously disrespectful.
Staceyrt
So she’s funding the household. Jay gets to fuck his friend and she pays for therapy to ensure everyone is happy that he’s fucking his friend. It’s wild out here in 2024 I tell you. If they are happy I’m ecstatic for them but it could not be me.
ThatSlothDuke
What OP needs to understand is that having accomplishments is different than having self respect. This is different from being in an open relationship. OP's husband had an affair for TWO YEARS. That's two years of lying and manipulation - and it's hilarious that he claims that he "loves" her.
I don't care if OP is the most accomplished person in this world, trusting someone after that is the stupidest decision she can make. OP really needed to run for the hills but is deluding herself to believe that her husband is a good and complex soul.