Man embarrassed he married single mom; calls stepdaughter his niece. ADVICE
"Am I wrong for getting upset that my husband is embarrassed to call me his wife because of the image of him marrying a single mom and he called his step daughter his niece in public?"
ThrowRa1529202
Some background information: I’m a single mom of a beautiful 12 year old girl, Zuri. She is mixed so it is obvious that Demarcus doesn’t resemble Zuri so it would be obvious for people looking at us and figure out that this is not his biological daughter and that he is fathering another man’s baby (this information will be important to know later).
I was never married before. The father of Zuris was a long term boyfriend who is now my ex. We broke up because he was putting off marriage for several years and I want marriage but he always led me on and he was holding a ring over my head and then the relationship was getting toxic and controlling.
I am now married to a Demarcus. He is a very prideful man. He has never been married before and he does not have any children of his own. Because of the fact he is very prideful, it bothers him so much that I’m a single mother. Like, really bothers him. Although we have went through counseling.
It was getting better as the years went on. He started to accept Zuri as his own. We also have seen additional marriage counseling through other therapists for second opinions and we went through different therapists since some of them weren’t working out.
The main issue we have always had, the main issue that we go to therapy for, is that Demarcus let’s his pride get in the way and he’s embarrassed of me and my daughter. He’s embarrassed that he had to 'settle' for a single mom and take care of a kid that isn’t his (his exact words).
This obviously hurts. And I’m aware that men are prideful and this kind of stuff is important to them but this is honestly something I can't tolerate anymore. I can’t undo anything that happened in the past. He always tells me I’m close to perfect but I’d be actually perfect if I didn’t come with baggage (being a single mom).
So he settled for me. In a way I settled for him too….it is extremely difficult dating as an older single mom so I kind of knew I had to lower my standards and be more realistic if I didn’t want to die alone. I want a family. A husband and a father for my daughter, something we both never had but always wanted.
Besides him being embarrassed of us, Demarcus is a good man. The only issue we have had that is reoccurring is that it bothers him that he’s taking care of some other man’s kid (his exact words). He has had friends that jokingly made fun of him for marrying a single mom.
I wanna talk about what happened at this major event. There was an event that we got invited to, someone Demarcus knows invited him. When we went to the event I noticed Demarcus was very distant of me and my daughter, he kept his space, he didn’t show any affection… we’re usually a very handsy and PDA couple but he was clearly ignoring us.
We didn’t know anyone there and Demarcus only really knew one guy there but there was a lot of other people there. Demarcus was talking to other men there and me and my daughter were just doing us but we met some other nice ladies there.
I heard he was telling people that he came here with his sister and her kid. He really told people I was his sister and his stepdaughter was his niece because he didn’t want to feel embarrassed that he married a single mom. This hurt me so much. Zuri doesn’t know this, she would be hurt, she looks up to Demarcus like her own father.
I confronted Demarcus about this when we got home and after Zuri went to bed. He did confirm that he was telling people that he came here with his sister and niece instead of his wife and step daughter because he said it’s easier than explaining the baggage.
He said that other men wouldn’t respect him if they knew he married a single mom who’s never been married before and he’s father a child that isn’t biologically his. He told me this is the most embarrassing thing for a man. He said this is bad for his image. I told him that we have worked so hard to get through all of this and he should just move on.
It just always gets brought up. He said I didn’t understand it because I’m not a successful man. He tried to make it a scenario where I can relate from a woman’s perspective. He said “imagine you marrying a homeless man and taking care of him and paying the bills, that’s the equivalent to a man taking care of another man’s kid."
I went to my friends and family for advice and I’m getting mixed advice. People are telling me I should give him a child of his own so the resentment would stop and he would have his own biological child but honestly I’m too old to be popping out another child.
I'm not as healthy as I was 10 years ago. The second piece of advice I’m getting is to undergo more marriage counseling but that hasn’t worked either. I don’t know what to do.
I really need advice. I need help. I’m trying to get as much different opinions and perspectives on Reddit because I’m lost. Everyone I talked to in real life have gave me mixed responses and advice and I’m left confused on what to do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Right_Bee_9809
Is prideful now another term for an a**hole. Why did you marry this man?
NTA although your judgment is very questionable. And please God stop making excuses for him, it is just annoying.
Global_Bad2194
NTA but you are doing your daughter wrong by staying with a man who hates your daughter just because she's not his. And don't get me wrong he hates your daughter or he would be proud to call her his. And he hates you too because he's had to "settle" for you. He's a POS and doesn't deserve you or your daughter.
andwhoami_
Literally told her she'd be perfect if her kid didn't exist. How could you trust someone like that around her? I'm not saying he's gonna murder her but I don't think he'd be sad if something happened and that's scary too. OPs fam sucks too.
JomolaMomo
So stop lying to yourself. He is not a good man. He is only concerned about his image and not you or your child. How in the name of all that is holy can you, with a straight face, say anything good about this man? What character flaw allows a grown man to lie about a child? To bully a child? Not to mention doing this to his wife.
He knew one person at that party. And he was so embarrassed by you and your daughter that he had to lie about who you are. How can you not see how wrong this is?!?! Do you really think your daughter doesn't know? Do you really think he doesn't mistreat your daughter when no one else is around? She is 12, not a toddler. She can hear his tone, his words, and see his actions just as well as you can.
She knows. And she sees the example you are setting- being so desperate for a husband that you will tolerate this demeaning and dehumanizing treatment of both you and her, in order to meet some stupid societal standard of being married at your age. Wow. What an example to set for your child.
I am embarrassed of you for her. WHY don't you just ship her off to an orphanage or a relatives house, where she stands some minute chance of being treated better than you and your husband treat her? Marriage counseling has failed her. Therapy has failed her. Her father has failed her. He stepdad has failed her. You have failed her. Poor kid.
MotherlyBimbo
DO NOT give him a child of his own, with how he's acting, he'll probably start treating your child worse then he already does, and dote more on his own, isolating her and causing her to feel useless in life; if he's saying that your child is baggage why are you with him? Your child comes first and I'm sure she wouldn't want a father who sees her as more of a stain then a daughter.
He has no respect for you and he's showing you this as clear as a sunny day, it's better to be a single mother then a mother who opts for the worse option and causes her own child strife.
You said it yourself, her heart would be broken if she knew what he's done/said. do what's best for your child, because dying alone isn't as bad as keeping a man who could eventually make your own flesh and blood feel as though they don't deserve a loving home. (And he clearly doesn't love her with how he's acting.)
Side note. With how he's introducing and never standing up for you, this could lead to him doing so as he tells everyone you're his "sister" and not his wife, but this is just food for thought. Please think carefully about your future with this man, because it could negatively effect your daughter.