'My husband found me crying in the closet and got mad about how it made him look.'
"My husband found me crying in the closet and got mad about how it made him look."
Let’s start with this: I’m now divorced. But surprisingly… it wasn’t my decision. It all started on Christmas Eve in 2023. That year, we hosted his entire family. Our daughter was 3.
When it was her bedtime, his aunt offered to put her down. I was grateful, finally a minute to relax and be with everyone. She rejoined half an hour later. Three hours pass. His aunt realizes she lost her phone. We ring it, and find it in our daughter’s room. She’s still awake. Still watching YouTube.
I freeze. No supervision for 3 hours? No idea what she’s seen? It was Youtube. No parental control… My husband laughs, gives the phone to his aunt, and jokes, “She was still watching videos, that little monkey!”
I stay behind to comfort our daughter. Then later, I quietly ask him if we can just check the YouTube history, make sure she didn’t see anything inappropriate. He brushes me off: “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
I drop it. I’m trying not to cause tension. But it keeps turning in my mind.
I didn’t want to blame anyone, just wanted us to be on the same page as parents.
That night, after everyone’s asleep, I bring it up again, alone in our bedroom. I say I just wish there was more awareness around bedtime and that next time, maybe we check in before leaving a phone with a toddler.
His response? “It’s my family. Drop it. It’s nothing. Our daughter’s fine. For god sakes, just stop talking and go to sleep.” There was no concern. No curiosity. Just… shutdown.
I barely sleep. What happened was one thing, but his reaction to it, that’s what broke me. The next morning, I make brunch. He makes coffee, for everyone but me. He won’t look at me, and avoids me.
Like I didn’t exist. Like my reaction the night before was too much… even though all I’d done was try to talk. At that point, I knew if anyone asked how I was doing, I’d burst into tears. So when things quieted down, I stepped into our bedroom for a moment alone.
I told myself I just needed a few deep breaths. A few seconds to collect myself and come back composed. Because that’s who I am, usually. I don’t cry easily. But the second I closed the door behind me… I broke.
I started sobbing, uncontrollably. So I slipped into the closet to muffle the sound. I was knees to my chest, crying like a child. That’s where he found me. He walked in, saw me on the floor… And just stood there. And says: “How do you make me look in front of my family?”
I think that’s was the moment I realized… I was completely alone in this. It wasn’t the first time we’d clashed on parenting, but I could never talk about it. I was completely ignored. As subtle as his control had been, he expected things to go his way. Always. He left me there.
Later that day, after everyone left, I try to bring it up calmly, telling him that, to me, his reaction seeing me in the closet wasn’t okay. He was defensive, justifying, saying I was crying over nothing, and over exaggerating.
I tried to explain that regardless of what triggered my tears, empathy was missing and that’s what scared me. I could’ve been crying about anything. (At that moment, my sister-in-law was in critical condition after a major car crash. What if I had just gotten bad news?) He told me I was emotional, unstable, unworthy.
That’s when the divorce conversation officially reopened. (He had previously hinted at it, saying our intimacy was lacking. At the time, I took it seriously. I even saw a sexologist. Long story short: I tried. He didn’t. And I didn’t see that then.)
I said: “Maybe you’re right. Maybe there’s no coming back and divorce is the only option.” He said nothing. Just took our daughter to his family’s. Left me there alone on Christmas night.
The next day was the silent treatment. He always stayed near our daughter and I, while working at his computer, but didn’t speak. Even when I offered him lunch, he answered with a head-shake. That night, I asked for clarity. And I got it.
He told me he didn’t love me. Hadn’t for a while. That I lacked drive. Didn’t challenge him. That he wanted a divorce and finally felt relief saying it being his final option. I was heartbroken. Also ashamed. And still blaming myself… maybe I hadn’t made him feel safe to open up? Maybe I didn’t put enough effort?
But therapy helped me see clearly: I was holding all the emotional weight of the relationship (and family). He’d been checked out for months, maybe years. Constant judgment. Little criticisms. Emotional withdrawal. Subtle, but unrelenting.
I was shutting down because I had no space left. His divorce? A blessing in disguise. Since then, things escalated a lot. Apparently, him hiring a lawyer and learning what he legally owes me makes me the villain.
Yet… I still catch myself wondering: Did that really happen the way I remember it? Because he was so charming, so put-together, I’ve heard it more than once: “Their must be missing context.”
And every time, a part of me feels like I’m making it up. And maybe that’s why I’m sharing this here. To put the truth somewhere outside my head. To leave a record that says: This did happen. I was there. And it wasn’t okay. Has anyone else ever felt that? The strange fear that no one would believe you, even if you had proof of it? Abuse so subtle that you doubt it yourself?
EDIT for clarification : Many people focused on the YouTube incident as if it was the root of my breakdown. It wasn’t. That was just the trigger. The drop that spilled a cup that had been filling slowly and invisibly for years.
When you spend months, even years, being dismissed, second-guessed, or met with silence when trying to express something that matters to you… eventually, something breaks.
This wasn’t about YT. This was about a pattern. A dynamic. And a moment that made me realize how emotionally alone I had become in my own home. And since the separation, the mask has fully dropped: threats, intimidation, verbal attacks, no more pretending.
I need to keep everything in writing for legal reasons, and we are no contact because of it. If you’ve never experienced that kind of erosion, I understand why it sounds dramatic. But to those who know - Thank you for seeing what’s underneath.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
There is always missing context for outsiders because no one really sees what goes on in anyone else's marriage. It's very common for outsiders to only see the charming veneer and not see the emotional abuse that goes on behind closed doors. I'm really glad you got out of that situation and hope you are doing well now.
AnOpenEpicurean (OP)
Thanks, yes I’m doing a lot better. Rereading it myself makes me wonder if that was enough context to understand how we were and where we were at before this specific story. I know it can make me look emotional, but I know I’m not.
It takes me a lot to cry, and to break like that… I think the only other time it happened to me was when my father got violent and I was trying to find a safe space. Anyway, I knew something was way off to get to this point, and even more for me to not be able to cry in front of those people I knew for so long…
I think the only other time it happened to me was when my father got violent and I was trying to find a safe space. There's some context. It can be hard to see abuse if you grow up with it. My father was horribly emotionally abusive but my mother always thought, well, if he doesn't hit you it's not abuse.
I can also see why that experience would make you question your feelings and if you are expressing them "properly." I think you did a great job saving your daughter from a childhood of domestic abuse. Good for you!
Now go back into every inch of your memory and document every time he gaslighted you, ignored your parenting decisions, used your daughter as an emotional weapon, etc. My parents divorced but shared custody and my life got waaaaaaaaaaaay worse when I was alone with him.
AnOpenEpicurean (OP)
Oh… we do shared custody for our daughter. Can you tell me how it got worst? I’m writing everything he does down, every interaction is in writing too (and thank god, because I have real good evidence if I needed to act!). I’m always concerned when my daughter is expressing things that don’t go so well at her father’s, but she’s 5.
No where near able to defect those subtle manipulation tactics that he has. I’m trying to convince myself that she’s ok, seing that she seems joyful and all… but whenever she tells me she doesn’t want to be at her dad’s, I don’t know if I should take action or not.
It’s not that easy to have full custody, I need proof, so I’ll keep a note of everything that happens - to my knowledge (he’s really good at keeping everything for himself, even had a new girlfriend living with him and my daughter for almost half a year before I knew about it.
I honestly didn’t care that he has a new gf, didn’t have a reaction either when my girl told me, but seeing how she acted made me think she most probably been told not to tell me. She got so flustered, looked at the ground and wouldn’t say a word for a good 15-20 minutes when she first told me something about his new gf - saying her name by “mistake” 🤷♀️)
And even more context, I’ve learned that my mother has narcissistic tendencies and I had two emotionally immature parents growing up. I’m (hopefully was) definitely blind to manipulative tactics. They’re a norm to me.
Dude, I totally feel ya. Gaslighting's a real MOFO. Makes ya question your own sanity. It took me a min too, but remember, you're not the baddie here. After my own hell, therapy helped - don't bottle that shizz up. You're stronger than you think. Keep pushin'. Nobody's gonna invalidate your experience, mate. Peace and love! 💪❤️🤘
I know this isn't the main main focus but as an auntie, i would A THOUSAND PERCENT back you up on checking that history!!!! I watch some unsavory things with curse words n at! I get you! But also you are very valid op. I know how it feels to have your loved one staring at your pain and not doing anything. It's soul crushing. You are not a villain. 🩵🩵🩵🩵