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Wife learns husband racked up $45K in secret debt; 'I told him I didn’t believe him.' + Update

Wife learns husband racked up $45K in secret debt; 'I told him I didn’t believe him.' + Update

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"I just found my husband has 45K dollars in secret credit card debt."

idiota-mensa

Last week I went to the grocery store to buy some stuff for dinner and my card was rejected. It was like $4.50 so I had no idea why it would be declined. I checked the balance and it was over drafted by like $800 dollars. I asked my husband what the heck and he said “oh something must have cleared early.

I transferred 2k from our emergency savings and went about my day. But then it really started gnawing at me. We make more than enough to be able to cover all our payments. There should be no reason why we should be in the negative.

So I started to go through all the transactions and noticed a bunch of payments to different credit card companies. At the very bottom of the statement it had a snapshot of his credit report and there was all these open accounts.

They totaled about $45,000 dollars! I was livid at that point and confronted my husband with the statement and demanded to know what was going on?! What was he hiding from me? He swore it was nothing bad just a lot of over spending.

I told him I didn’t believe him and needed access to all his stuff. All of it. Accounts. Phone. Tablet. When I went through all the credit card statements it was a bunch of mundane nonsense.

Restaurants. Gifts. Trips. But there’s two loans for 10K that are just…gone. Like he removed the cash and i don’t know where it went. At this point he’s been lying to me for so long that i don’t trust him for anything! I told him I was done! There is not coming back from this bullshit. I went to talk to a lawyer and kinda explained what was going on. I wanted to see how screwed I was.

He said that he would have to itemize every purchase to decide what was for us vs him. Otherwise I’m on the hook for half of it. As for the houses we would either have to sell them and split whatever debt/profit or one buy out the other.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about it for days. I haven’t told anyone. I know my mom would definitely not be supportive. She would find a way to blame me. “You should have helped him more, men aren’t good with money” I can almost hear it.

The kids know something is up since my husband has been sleeping on the couch all week. He keeps trying to explain, but I just don’t believe a word he says. I just want to throw a toaster at his head.

I want to calm down and make a rational decision, but that takes time and patience. I not good at either.

Sigh…I need a drink.

When I would hear women say “men are shit” I would think, “no, I have a good guy”. I feel so stupid, for being so trusting. I don’t pay attention for 5 minutes and he screws me over. I look at my son and think “Is HE gonna ruin some poor girl's life too? How do I stop it?”

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:

Equivalent_Memory796

Financial infidelity is real.

The OP responded here:

idiota-mensa

I’ve never heard that term, but it fits perfectly.

Massive-Translator22

I hope he doesn’t have a sugar baby. Because 20k missing is crazy.

Fishghoulriot

Oh my goodness!!!. Girl RUN. Is he cheating ?? Gambling ?? How do you rack up 45,000 dollars in debt??

erikaflam

My husband did this to me, he stopped paying the mortgage for 1 year and he owed the IRS over $60,000 because he didn’t pay. He took care of the finances and I trusted I had married an adult that wouldn’t do that or would communicate with me if there was a problem.

I was wrong. What I learned is that, whatever the reason (3 years later and thousands in lawyers I still don’t know where that money went), he chose to lie. He knew we were going to end up homeless and he kept doing it until I found out.

He now wants me to pay for half of that debt. A man that lies of things like that is not only being abusive, he already doesn’t care about you and he is already causing you damage.

He won’t care about causing more and probably will do it just to not face consequences. Document everything, get a lawyer, Leave now and sue for fraud against the marriage estate. This won’t get better.

A little over a week later, the OP returned with an update.

"Update: I just found my husband has 45K dollars in secret credit card debt."

idiota-mensa

I don’t know if anyone wants an update, but here it goes.

He has agreed to sign a post nup. It will be more legally agreeable for me at this point. He has agreed to take responsibility for the entire amount of debt.

I don’t really care what it was on. It’s not just about the money, it’s the constant lying. He still won’t/can’t be totally clear with where it all went. We went to our first marriage counseling session last week. I went okay, I guess.

I really don’t see how you unring this bell. Right now all I want to do is leave, but that’s not a legally smart thing to do. I quickly found out how easy it is to look like the “crazy one” when the other person is really good at lying.

It’s really hard to keep calm when all you want to do is explode. I’m going to get my ducks in a row and then file for divorce. My two oldest kids will be in college next year and our youngest is 16.

I still think I’ll look like the “bad guy”. I’m doing okay. I keep cycling through feeling angry, sad, stupid and heartbroken. 20 years of marriage, dead. Thank you for all the advice, and for the people that reached out. So yeah, that’s it. Pretty anticlimactic.

Last week I went to the grocery store to buy some stuff for dinner and my card was rejected. It was like $4.50 so I had no idea why it would be declined. I checked the balance and it was over drafted by like $800 dollars.

I asked my husband what the heck and he said “oh something must have cleared early. I transferred 2k from our emergency savings and went about my day. But then it really started gnawing at me. We make more than enough to be able to cover all our payments.

There should be no reason why we should be in the negative. So I started to go through all the transactions and noticed a bunch of payments to different credit card companies.

At the very bottom of the statement it had a snapshot of his credit report and there was all these open accounts. They totaled about $45,000 dollars! I was livid at that point and confronted my husband with the statement and demanded to know what was going on?!

What was he hiding from me? He swore it was nothing bad just a lot of over spending. I told him I didn’t believe him and needed access to all his stuff. All of it. Accounts. Phone. Tablet.

When I went through all the credit card statements it was a bunch of mundane nonsense. Restaurants. Gifts. Trips. But there’s two loans for 10K that are just…gone. Like he removed the cash and i don’t know where it went.

At this point he’s been lying to me for so long that i don’t trust him for anything! I told him I was done! There is not coming back from this stupidity. I went to talk to a lawyer and kinda explained what was going on.

I wanted to see how bad my situation was. He said that he would have to itemize every purchase to decide what was for us vs him. Otherwise, I’m on the hook for half of it.

As for the houses we would either have to sell them and split whatever debt/profit or one buy out the other. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about it for days. I haven’t told anyone.

I know my mom would definitely not be supportive. She would find a way to blame me. “You should have helped him more, men aren’t good with money” I can almost hear it.

The kids know something is up since my husband has been sleeping on the couch all week. He keeps trying to explain, but I just don’t believe a word he says. I just want to throw a toaster at his head.

I want to calm down and make a rational decision, but that takes time and patience. I'm not good at either. Sigh…I need a drink. When I would hear women say “men are bad” I would think, “no, I have a good guy”.

I feel so stupid, for being so trusting. I don’t pay attention for 5 minutes and he screws me over. I look at my son and think “Is HE gonna ruin some poor girl's life too? How do I stop it?”

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:

Severe-Ant-777

Wow, he can’t tell you where those 10k transactions went? I’d be beyond done if I I were you. I see you’re preparing for divorce, that’s smart.

rhunter99

I’m dying to know what he spent it on.

tacwombat

OP mentioned concert tickets that she didn't recall attending. I'm betting extramarital relationship.

Sufficient_Lock_5448

She also mentioned gifts, trips and restaurants, it is surely an affair.

ExtraplanetJanet

The post-nup is a good start, but she needs to be working very diligently to extricate her finances from his ASAP. Counseling is going to do precisely nothing when they both know he hasn’t stopped lying.

I feel awful for her and awful for the kids, who were probably hoping for college help that’s unlikely to come when Dad and Mom are tens of thousands of dollars in the hole already.

jalepinocheezit

"It's just lies after lies after lies but it's plausible enough to make me look crazy!"

Yeah.... yeah.

Also, the losing of the house with the non-payment of mortgage happened to my aunt(family friend but you know)- idiot husband gambled alllllllll the money and plenty more away. By the time she figured it out it was far too late.

So, what do you think about this one? IF you could give the OP any advice here, what would you say?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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