Wife fears that, when her husband learns she makes much more money than him, their 35 year marriage will crumble.
"My husband is going to find out I make more money than him, and the s^h!tz going to hit the fan."
My (60f) husband (61m) is a very competitive guy. When I beat him at chess three times in a row, he wouldn’t play me anymore. It’s not just with me. He hates when a friend makes more money than him.
He hates when someone beats him at golf. He hates if someone skis faster than him. You get the picture. He’s not just competitive, he’s a sore loser. He’s stopped being friends with people over his competitiveness - which I think is ridiculous.
When we were first married he made waaaay more money than me. He used this reason as to why I needed to do more around the house (ie. Everything). It was hard at first - but I’m really great at managing time and loved to spend time with our kids.
So although I worked a full time job, I did all the housework, most of the yard work, home maintenance and managed the kids. I knew that spending the lion’s share with the kids (which I LOVED) would pay off in spades in their older years with our relationship. And it has. My husband is very sad now that our 2 grown children and I have all of these memories and experiences that he wasn’t a part of.
Once our kids graduated from high school, I went to graduate school to get my MBA. My MBA has allowed me to move up in the company I work for. Last year I got a big promotion and a bonus. That put my salary equal to my husband’s.
I could tell he was uncomfortable with it - when our taxes were prepared - but since my bonus and increase came after July 1st (my company’s fiscal year) it looked like I made slightly less than him on the W2. But the gap in our pay had closed significantly.
This year I was promoted again to an Executive Vice President position. I received a very large bonus and a big bump in salary. I opted to have increase my contribution to my 401K plus a “catch-up” amount as I am over 50. The additional income I have going into a separate Money Market savings.
My contribution to our joint account looks the same as last year. My bonus was reflected in our checking account and my husband was surprised at the amount. We used it to pay off our mortgage.
Because I am diverting my income to my 401K and a money market savings - he hasn’t noticed the increase. But my gross income will show on my. W2 - and he will see that my income is about 50% larger than his. I know come March/April of next year my husband will see that I make significantly more than him when we prepare out tax return.
I’m worried that he will “retire” so he can “save face,” which will put us in a bad financial position - since he will only be 62 and won’t be entitled to complete social security benefits. His stupid male ego will cut off his nose to spite his face and make retirement more difficult for the both of us.
I want to let him know I am making more than he is before he sees it on our W2’s - and I want him to understand that this isn’t a competition. When we both do well - we BOTH do well. Any suggestions as to how to keep him from feeling emasculated?
I was thinking of saying something like “You kept us afloat when they kids were young. Now it’s my turn.” Or “Because you supported us while I earned my MBA - we can both reap the rewards in our later years.”
I know it’s stupid to walk on eggshells - but his ego is super fragile. I know my marriage has issues. Yes - we have been to marriage counseling. Yes - I have sought individual counseling. I know we’re not perfect or even close to perfect.
My husband and I have been through child birth, rearing wonderful children, the death of parents and friends, buying a house, having pets, etc. - we’ve been through the gambit - so. I know we can get through this.
I have lots of friends/family - but I’ve learned over the years not to share everything with people who are close to us. They don’t forget and are biased. This is why I came to the internet.
I will l talk to my husband about our retirement/employment plans and discuss our salaries. I am hopeful that over the years we have worked building our life together he can let go of the misogyny and his competitiveness and insecurities and we can move forward with a plan.
I was always brought up with the fact that a vow is a vow. My husband doesn’t beat me. He doesn’t cheat. He cares for me when I’m sick. He works hard. He contributes to the household. I’m sorry that I portrayed him as an AH because he’s got a lot of good tendencies. Yes - we can both be better - but he’s my man and we will work this through.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
So he’s not competing to be the best husband or father then 🫥
I would not stay married to a man who quit his job because of a fragile male ego, and put us in a financial bind. You may be financially better off alone.
ExpertChart7871 (OP)
I’ve thought of that. But we’ve been together for 35 years - and I enjoy talking with him and playing cards/games. He’s super smart - and I really like the way he thinks.Plus I’ve been looking forward to doing grandparent things with him. Having to divorce him because of his stupid ego is making me feel sick.
"We are equal partners. You are neither my superior nor my inferior and you don't need to feel you need to "best me" or anyone else in order to feel good about yourself. This isn't a competition, it's a collaboration. We're in this together."
But they aren't. And haven't been for years (decades?) Who TF sees their spouse working similar hours and thinks, ah yes, since your income is less, you must do all the house work/childcare? What a putz.
Your husband isn’t competitive, he’s deeply insecure and needs therapy. You’re right about what he’ll do when he finds out, so I suggest just ripping off the bandaid. His ego is his problem, and you may need to separate finances if he “chooses” to retire.