'Husband refusing to go anywhere due to OCD but I think he's hiding me because he's cheating.' UPDATED
"Husband refusing to go anywhere due to OCD but I think he's hiding me because he's cheating."
I have suspected my husband of cheating for years, for many different reasons. Last year I started to suspect he was hiding me, and not wanting to be seen in public with me due to this. Right after he started acting on edge whenever out with me.
He stood apart from me, spoke to me less, and looked over his shoulder whenever near. He went into the nearby tesco alone and came out in a hurry, telling me that he nearly ran into an old female classmate. After this be told me he didn't want to go in, that it was because he was bloated, promising to resume going in once he longer was.
A few days passed by and he told me on his own volition that he wasnt bloated, that he felt better, and so I asked if he would go into the store with me. He refused and gave me another reason he didn't want to go into tesco. He said there were two elderly male employees inside who looked at him, and made him feel judged, something he never mentioned before.
I challenged him after several weeks, asking why his reasons kept changing, and repeating what he said about promising to go in. He got angry and said he didn't need a reason to not want to.
When he eventually went in, he went into asda mostly, which is right beside Tesco. He appeared to be on edge, paranoid, and told me the male employees in there were looking at him. He criticized the time we were going in, said we were going in too late, and that he'd feel better if we went in earlier.
He said we were going in too frequently, as well, and that he'd feel better if we went in less. And so we went in less, and he continued to act this way. I tried to go in during the daytime with him and he refused, telling me that it was too busy.
There were several things which contradicted that this was anxiety. The main one being that he was able to go into stores alone during the daytime, including to a small shop he refused to go into with me because it was "too busy" when no one was around.
He went silent on me around people, something that he had done before, but started to do more often. One of the times it happened when a man was several feet away from us, looking at cat food, whilst speaking to someone on the phone. He said in all of these instances that he disliked talking around people.
And yet, whenever he would run into anyone he knew, he would stand and talk to them in crowded places. He freaked out in aisles, when we were alone, and would rush me whenever I took a few minutes to look at something. He appeared to be uncomfortable around female employees in both asda and tesco.
When he heard a female employee coming closer in asda, he quickly walked away from me, before walking back when she didn't come. In tesco he went silent on me around female employees, and walked feet away from me at the same time.
When we were walking into Tesco, and a female employee passed us, he turned his face to the side and covered it with his hand. He would often suggest going elsewhere, rather than the nearby town, driving further to do so when before he wouldn't have wanted to.
Even then, he was hesitant to go in stores. He was reluctant to go anywhere in town, not just the grocery stores, and refused to go into the shopping centre we were going in prior to this. He needed an itinerary of where I wanted to go, and refused to go in certain places, or told me I needed to give him notice.
He said that he didn't mind if I went in, that it had nothing to do with me. That I could go in the store every day. Yet, he repeatedly suggested getting fast food when we were outside the store, and I was about to go in.
This was unusual as he didn't often want fast food, complained about the cost, and also said he disliked many of the places he suggested. He also discouraging me from going in alone during the daytime. In regards to the small shop, he told me a few times he wouldn't go in with me, that I'd have to go in alone. When I went to do so, he went in.
We were in America several months ago visiting my family, and I didn't want to come back with him. Not just because of this but because of a lot of things. He promised things would change. When we got back he told me that he wanted to do whatever it took to rebuild trust.
He acknowledged, as he's done before, that a lot of his behavior is suspicious and could make it look like he's cheated/is cheating, but that he never has. He offered to turn his location on 24/7. Last year I asked him to at times, and he did, but he also complained about it, called it controlling, and said it felt wrong because he was innocent.
He refused to turn it on after complaining about the impact it had on his battery, and other things such as the timeline, calling it unnecessary. He turned his location on 24/7 though I told him not to. He continued to behave suspiciously.
He actually did more than before, and so I continued to question him, and he acted like having his location on completely cleared his name. Like I had no reason to question him.
He complained that he thought having it on would stop the questioning, the accusations. He was doubtful that it would rebuild trust, however, and said he didn't know if that was possible.
He said it was a hard pill to swallow, me thinking that he's guilty, and that he knows he's innocent. He wouldn't talk about anything without getting angry, insisting this was a normal response to being falsely accused. He has discouraged me this entire from going certain places, using my anxiety against me.
I stopped going into stores over a month ago because of all of this, because how he acted made my anxiety worse. I thought that not going in would help, that he would stop acting this way, but it hasn't. In fact, he seems more anxious now that I wait in the car.
He is more reluctant to go places and to be out in public. He rushes everywhere we go. When we used to sit for a while before going into the shop, he wants to go in after a few mins once we arrive, and leaves in a hurry.
He looks around at every person or car that passes. Though he complains about anxiety going into the store, and hasn't wanted to at times, he won't do a click and collect either. He was more so against the Tesco click and collect telling me it was exposed, that it was in front of the store, and that he worried he could run into family.
He has encouraged me, since I came back, to go places that are more secluded. To go to the beach opposed to the city. To go to a more secluded park opposed to the busier one, the one we used to go to. I still think he's cheating.
Currently, he is claiming that he has has OCD, and is very stressed, over an upcoming assessment for a disability he receives. He says he feels bad, like he's better now, and like he doesn't need it/deserve it. That going places makes him think it more so. He was reluctant to go to the park the other day, and refused to go to the mountain when I asked to go, before doing so.
He appeared on edge when there was only one two people there at a time. I asked if he wanted to go get a hamster, because he was practically begging for one for months, and he's not so eager anymore. He says that things will return to normal after the assessment.
Before this he wasn't going anywhere due to class work, and before that there was other reasons. I think he will change his reason. He has been staying up all night, going to bed hours after me, and also waking up hours before me. I've caught him looking back, seemingly checking if I was awake or not.
This is not new behavior, it's something he's repeatedly done throughout the relationship, claiming he has difficulty sleeping, but only staying up/waking up after I've gone to bed.
I've woke up to him up several mornings, getting dressed to go somewhere, and telling me that he's going to the post office or elsewhere. Yet, when I've stayed up or asked to go, he has changed his mind.
I went to the doctor with him to be able to get a drink after, and he seemed irritated by this. He told me I went to spy on him. He stopped wearing his ring claiming it didn't fit, before losing it, and buying a new one in the same size months back.
More recently he started working out, and buying new clothes, becoming more concerned about his appearance than he already was. I'm not sure what to do because he denies everything. He says he could never cheat, or hide me, and that his OCD would be triggered if he did.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You already know but I'll tell you. He is cheating. He is a bad partner even if he's not cheating. You're better off alone.
ProfessionalStick363 (OP)
You are right. He is terrible either way. He tries to suggest that suspecting your partner of cheating is, in some way, normal to an extent. But it's not normal to repeatedly do things that erode your partners trust, acknowledge they look suspicious, but at the same time not stop them and get angry over being questioned and doubted. No one would put up with this, and I no longer want to.
Leave. You stay with a miserable person who is clearly very selfish and a coward to just live a single life and bang who he wants. I bet if you start the divorce process he will be with his side piece in maximum 1 week.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
He has told me I have a right to be upset, to be angry, over the fact that we aren't going anywhere. That it is because of his upcoming disability assessment, OCD he is experiencing over it, and the fact that going places challenges his perception that he's sick enough to receive benefits.
I mentioned how he was hesitant to go to the park, and complained about how many people were there. And how when I asked if he'd go to the mountain, he said no initially, but then he did and complained about the few people there.
I commented that I'd like to go on walks and he was all for that, offering to go later in the day. I asked how he was able to do that if everything else made him feel bad, and triggered his OCD, and he said it wasn't the same.
He is aware that I post though he doesn't like it. I told him about what people said and he was in agreement, saying he knows this isn't right. Today was a different story, however. He offered to take me on random drive, something that we used to do, and something he also complained about said was boring. I asked how he was able to do that with his OCD.
He said we've not gone anywhere in days, and that he is still struggling. I believe that knowing about my post, and what people were saying, prompted this. That he was attempting to pacify me. I said I didn't want to go.
That it's obvious there's something more to this, and that anyone in my position would think so. He became argumentative, defensive, and said he's not hiding me or cheating. That he is anxious and has OCD. He has akwnowleged that his behavior is suspcious, that it could look like he's cheated, but he still gets just as angry with me for thinking it, for questioning him.
He says his anger is normal because he's innocent. I said that it's manipulative to acknowledge it looks that way, but to get angry with me for thinking it. To want me to just accept he's not cheated without changing his behaviors, or doing anything to properly rebuild trust. He wouldn't address this.
He changed his stance from last night and said he was tired of hearing what people had to say about it, that he doesn't care. That it's causing this, influencing me, when I think this regardless. This is something he often says, that I feel or think what I do because of things I'm reading, or because of what I'm told.
He asked if I mentioned anything about myself. What I don't do. My anxiety. He said it could look like I've cheated. He accused me of cheating for years prior to my suspecting him. He then questioned and accused me any time he was acting shady. Outside of that, he hasn't questioned me, hasn't snooped on my phone.
When I asked why that was he told me that he doesn't genuinely believe I've cheated, and knows I never would. And so it doesnt make any sense. I knew he was just turning it all around on me, as usual. He also brought into question my anxiety. He said he doesn't think I have it, that I just lack motivation. Previously he used my anxiety to discourage me from doing things.
We live with his parents. And in the first year we were together his brothers ex gf was staying over a lot. I avoided her due to my anxiety. One day we were downstairs cooking dinner, and he told me to go upstairs.
He said that she could come down at any moment, and that she would ask me questions about America. He said she was chatty and curious. I said I didn't think she would, but that I'd try to engage.
He kept telling me to leave until he became aggressive, and demanded that I did so. He told me, whenever he started volunteering a year ago, that his fellow volunteers invited me inside. He told me this on several occasions, but he didn't think I would go in.
I eventually said I'd come inside and he said the room he told me I could sit in was in use, but also locked, and that I'd have to give advanced notice. When I tried again he told me that there were several people there that day, and I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I said that I would try and he kept trying to discourage me. He told me that if I managed to come inside he would question the validity of my anxiety. Another time I wanted to go to Boots on the main street. He told me that it was too busy. I said I wanted to still go and he asked if I even have anxiety. My anxiety has been consistent this entire time.
He ended up leaving the room for hours. I messaged him and he ignored most of what I said. He told me again how it's OCD, how he's not hiding me, and how he wants to go places after the assessment. When he came back into the room, prompted to do so by saying we need to sort dinner, I tried to made an analogy.
He accused me in the being of taking advance of him financially. I said imagine I told you that it looked that way, but wasn't that way, whilst I continued to do things that made it seem that way. He didn't listen to me or dodged responding to what I actually said. Because he said anxiety is not the same as goldigging.
He said my analogy was garbage, and called me stupid. I said I wasn't talking about his anxiety. He hardly listened, told me it's hard to hear about it because he's innocent, and left the room again.
When we came back from America, he promised things would be different. He fully acknowledged the suspicious behaviors, how it looks like he's cheated, in contrast to before when he would say that and at the same time, tell me my reasons for thinking it were stupid.
He said that he wanted to do whatever it took to rebuild trust. All he has done is turn his location on 24/7. All whilst he's continued to behave suspiciously. He has shown more disinterest than any time before in regards to going anywhere with me.
He has been more willing to go to a park, a secluded one, than to the town. He tried to change plans we had to go to the city to go to the beach instead. On the way to the city, months ago, he asked me if I wanted to go to a shipyard. People go there and walk around but I didn't want to.
We had finally left early, and I was going to have more time than usual. I said no and he kept asking. I said I knew where I wanted to go, and told him, and he said we could go after. He went to the shipyard, and told me that I agreed to do so, when I never did.
He went into a building there, one with entertainment and food places, and went up the escalators having a look around. He appeared to be looking for someone with how he kept looking around. This, of course, gave me less time in the city.
There was another instance in tkmaxx when we were heading towards the purses, and he stopped abruptly at the jewelry, after noticing two women in the aisle. He quickly grabbed a ring to show me.
He went in after they left and then wouldn't come out, after noticing they were at the jewelry section. Though it's a big area, and there are multiple stands. He appeared to be hiding from them.
I believe he has OCD other times as an excuse for other suspcious behavior. A few years back, when we were in America, he went a period of several weeks avoiding me. He went into another room.
I tried to sit in with him and he kicked me out, and locked the door. He told me that he was struggling with something, but wouldn't tell me what it was. He broke down to me telling me that he thought he needed to go home to receive help, and that I should stay back.
At the time he was doing things he has done before, all the other times I suspected he was up to something. He was showing less interest in me sexually and blaming his meds. He was also being meaner towards me.
He has owned up to several hurtful things he's done, that he has repeatedly done, and has told me he wants to stop them. That he wants to change, that he has changed. However, he goes back and forth between acknowledging things are hurtful and acting like he cares, to criticizing me for being upset over them, getting angry, and acting like he doesn't care at all like today.
He is planning to start therapy soon, and says it's to work on this behavior. I just don't take him seriously. I have absolutely no idea why he begged me to come back. Especially if he is hiding me because he's cheating, or some other reason. Why bring me back to have to do that?
It looks like the only thing I can do to catch him out is to buy the shirt. Something that was suggested to me before, and that I mentioned to him. He said to do it his tone and attitude showed irritation.
He said it angrily, aggressively. He told me he wouldn't go in anywhere with me if I had it on. I asked why he sounded so upset. He said he wasn't. That it was just weird me to have a shirt with his face on it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
So....why havent you left? You wrote a freaking book on what a terrible partner he is and youre still with him. Stop making your own misery and complaining about it.
Anyyyythinggg but leave. I swear people will trip over themselves staying with partners who don't even want to tolerate them. Look lady, either you quit this guy, or quit complaining. Hes not gonna change, and hea not gonna magically treat you better.
Why should he? Youre still here, still bending over backwards to stay with him. He got a good bang maid at home, he can do whatever he wants and she will still stay.
So what's the update? He is still a terrible and incredibly shady partner? That you want some "proof" before you finally have enough self-respect respect to leave?
I think you just enjoy your own misery at this point. Why else would you continuously subject yourself to this.
He could be cheating. You might not have his whole mental health picture and maybe all of this is paranoia. Who knows. the point is, you aren't happy, you aren't emotionally safe. It is honestly weird to go to the lengths of getting a shirt with his face on it instead of just leaving him.