'My husband is prioritizing his GF over me. Our marriage is open. What should I do?' UPDATED

"My (36f) husband (35m) is seriously prioritizing his girlfriend (25f) over me. What should I do?"

ThrowRahubbygf

A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening up our marriage. The spark was mostly gone, and we've toyed with the idea of open relationships/polyamory before.

Once we had more in depth conversations about it and put rules in place, I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously. I was going for quick hookups, one night-stands, stuff of that nature. If it turned into something more, it did, and I don't care if it didn't.

Marcus, however was looking for something "semi-serious", one partner rather than multiple and was trying to date locally but struggled with it. I suggested that he try using a dating app like me, and he downloaded an app where he met his current girlfriend, Charmi.

Charmi is in her second year of law school, graduated summa cum laude with a BA for her undergrad, and has fairly well-off parents. I know all of this because my husband gushed about it to me after he already went on a few dates and was hitting it off with her.

I was happy for him, their relationship only really annoying me when their plans coincided with mine, and I had to cancel my own plans last-minute to watch our kids.

Until Marcus would stay up for hours, talking to Charmi while in our bed and would only go to the living room to resume their conversation there if I said he's keeping me up or he had work in the morning.

I've seen plenty of receipts for flowers, chocolates, new purses, jewelry, and fancy dinners all for Charmi, when we've hardly done anything truly special in the past year. Part of our agreement was that we wouldn't totally give up on our marriage and have things like date nights.

If I try to bring that up, Marcus will argue that he's been busy with work, that I don't actually bother to do anything special for us, or walk away from the conversation. Yesterday was my last straw. January 31st is our wedding anniversary, and I assumed that he would at least stay home with me and the kids like he did last year. Nope.

When I went to talk him about it, he said that since he missed Charmi's birthday that was last week due to being super busy at work and too exhausted to go out, he wanted to have a late birthday celebration with her. I yelled at him when he said that, and that obviously our wedding anniversary is more important than Charmi's birthday.

Marcus argued with me, saying we didn't do anything last year, so why should it matter if he spends his time somewhere else. I said that at least he spent his time at home rather than with someone else.

We argued some more before Marcus just walked away from me and went into the guest bedroom. He didn't come out unless to was to interact with the kids and barely spoke to me if I was around. He went straight to work after making sure that the kids had caught their bus, and hasn't answered or replied to my phone calls or texts about wanting to talk with him.

He'll be home soon, and I am seriously at the end of my rope. Our relationship has gone seriously downhill since he started dating her, but then again, she also makes him so happy from what I've seen. It's also not like he's neglecting our kids, which I wouldn't ever allow.

Here were the top comments on the first post from OP.

Iscreamqueen

When it comes to these posts about open relationships, it normally goes one of two ways. If the man pushes to open the relationship, he gets upset when he realizes nobody is lining up to date him. Meanwhile his wife who he thought undesirable has men lining up to be with her and he gets upset and jealous.

If the woman pushes to open up the relationship then the man who was monogamous all along ends up finding a woman who he wants to he monogamous with.

Meanwhile the woman who got to have all her fun with multiple men gets upset when she realizes her husband no longer has feelings for her and is now in love with the one woman who he has been with. At this point it's a tale as old as time and this post clearly falls the 2nd category.

Il-Separatio-86

Yeah, he's basically moving on. He is in an entire new relationship and by the looks of it he is enjoying it far more than the one he has with you. Hate to break it you. This is just another example of the fucked round found out that comes from open marriages.

Turbulent-Yam3617

A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening up our marriage. The spark was mostly gone, and we've toyed with the idea of open relationships/polyamory before. Your marriage was over then. Move on.

Pancho_2504

This sounds more like you were unhappy with the marriage and instead of working together to prioritise each other and bring "the spark" back, you had the bright idea that opening up would give you what you want, but allow you to keep the security of your family.

Seems like he isn't into sleeping around and would rather replace you than have hook-ups and one-night stands, unless you can convince him there's something here worth saving, I think this marriage is finished.

Neat-Internet9682

Then get divorced. All this animosity will just hurt your kids

thisisnotme15

Why did you permit a full fledged relationship to be part of your open marriage rules? Or is he violating the rules you set out? Frankly this looks like it's headed for divorce in a big hurry. Just an outsider's perspective.

OP

Per our agreement, we both are allowed to have girlfriends or boyfriends as long as we were transparent about it.

Word_to_Bigbird

What rules were put in place, specifically? Is he obviously violating any?

OP:

Our rules were full transparency about the people we were seeing, we get tested for STDS every 2 months, we couldn't bring partners home or have them stay the night, close friends were off-limits unless fully discussed with each other, and that our kids wouldn't interact with any of the people we were seeing.

Teneluxio

Who first brought up “opening”?

OP

I did for the first conversation about that, then Marcus came to me for the rest.

A few days later, OP returned with an update.

This is just a small update that'll probably upset the people bashing me and rooting for my husband. So apparently when Marcus went over to Charmi's place, after they had ate dinner, dessert, and he gave Charmi her birthday gift, she broke up with him.

Charmi said that her parents didn't approve of her dating an older man, and she really needed to focus on her studies. My husband pleaded with her, but she was firm about it.

Marcus left her apartment and told of this to me in a miserable tone once we were alone in our bedroom. I didn't say anything or try to comfort him, which made him angry so he slept in the guest bedroom once again.

I'm pretty sure Marcus is trying to win Charmi back from the order and saved for later list on our shared Amazon account. I can tell he's moping over the breakup, but he's putting on a good face for over the past couple of days.

As for me, I'm going to meet with a lawyer about separating from my husband later this week, and hopefully serving him the papers for it as soon as possible. I haven't told him about this yet.

Sorry, if this isn't the update you wanted about my husband divorcing me and going to live happily ever after with Charmi, but it is what is.

Commenters reacted to the update with a similar tone.

Affectionate-Fox8690

I'm not sure why everyone is upset with OP. They both agreed to the open relationship or did I read wrong? She said she wasn't against his relationship unless it intervened with their own marriage. Husband completely stopped making an effort for op which was against the rules.

If this was aita I would NAH. He caught feelings, and now it's time to move on. He can't handle two relationships. Op, don't let these comments put you down. You are allowed to feel upset.

He didn't even make an effort for your marriage anniversary and he pushed the kids on you when you already had plans. These people are forgetting that. The reason you couldn't pursue anything was because he also blocked you from doing so. Since he prioritized his plans over your own.

Anxious-Ad6454

I truly hope the husband finds someone who actually loves him like tf you sound petty and probably happy his girl broke up with him. Im glad you're getting divorce so he can finally get away from you.

You opened this marriage got with a bunch of dudes while your husband was being the parent then when he met someone who actually liked him and cared for him then you got all jealous and mopey tf. I really hope best for your husband he deserves a great partner and he seems like a great dad.

tmchd

I'm confused why many people are mad at the OP too, the original post was that they mutually came to the agreement to open up their marriage.

Usually, the 'first' partners still get more priority than their gf/bf....so it's confusing for me why people were mad at OP that OP's husband rather spent their anniversary celebrating his gf's birthday (instead of vice versa).

Weird. I didn't read the first post, but seeing the update here, I'd say that, good that OP has seen the light that opening the marriage is not a good solution for a marriage that has lost its spark. It's good that they're separating. As for Charmi, I 'get' it. Her parents probably thought she could do better than being a gf to an older married man.

CanadianDuckball

Does anyone ever hear a positive end to a suggestion of an open relationship? I haven't yet. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years, married for almost five, and I've never been of the mind that adding another person to our relationship would improve anything. Then again, I adore him, he adores me, and we are the best of friends too.

jabronimax969

It’s so nice to see that our generation has moved on from having babies to save doomed marriages to now having “open” relationships to save their doomed marriage. I commend you two for not dragging an innocent baby into your bs.

Fuzzy-Bike-8813

He should have just divorced you for suggesting an open marriage, no hate just my opinion. Hope you both find good stepparents for your kids. Btw he will mourn spending less time with the kids and losing money, clearly not you. Wish him the best.