'AITA for refusing to sleep on the couch because I didn't do anything wrong?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to sleep on the couch because I didn't do anything wrong?"
Long_Plan2
I (32M) and my wife (31F) got into a heated argument after her friend accused me of hitting on her. The other day, on my way from work to home, I came across a friend of my wife and she looked like she was carrying heavy stuff so I asked if she wanted a ride home.
At first she declined but as I was leaving, she changed her mind and got into the car. We had a nice chat whilst driving and all was well. I even told my wife about it when I got home.
Yesterday, I was confronted by my wife because I allegedly "hit" on her friend. I obviously denied it and told her the version of events but apparently I was persistent with said friend when offering her the ride. I only asked twice, and the second time was asking if she was sure. My wife insisted that her friend isn't the type to just lie about something like this.
Naturally, I asked why she trusted her friend more than me and then she told me about how her sister's husband cheated with a friend. I was angry at how I was being compared to someone else based on a mere accusation and we ended up arguing.
Then we were just about to sleep and she told to sleep on the couch because she didn't feel comfortable with me. I argued that I wasn't going to be punished for something I didn't do and after quite a back and forth, I eventually let her have the room and slept in the other one instead.
I woke up in the morning to yet another confrontation about why I didn't sleep on the couch. I was obviously baffled and asked why I would sleep on the couch when there's an entire other room.
According to her, if one spouse tells the other that they should sleep on the couch, then they should do as asked to show that they're sorry. I pointed out that it was ridiculous, especially when you add the fact that I didn't even do anything. Things are now tense all because I gave someone a lift. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
SushiGuacDNA
NTA. Whoever doesn't want to share the bed should leave the shared bed. I've always been baffled as to why one partner thinks they get to kick the other partner out of a bed that belongs to both of them.
My general rule is that everyone gets to control their own body (like going to sleep somewhere else), but when they start trying to control other people's bodies (like kicking a partner out of bed) then they have become an a-hole. And then being pissed because you left and slept somewhere else but you didn't sleep in the correct somewhere else? Now your wife is a double a-hole.
GazelleOfCaerbannog
Yup, I agree with you. Boundaries are for me, not to control you. They're the limit of my consent to participate. Also, for the record, NTA OP.
LunaMunaLagoona
OP needs to find a better wife. She's not it. She believed her friend over him with 0 proof provided. She didn't leave the shared space herself, insisted he must leave. Insisted he must go on the couch rather than the spare room. Said OP must be sorry, rather than have a discussion. Not dealing with her own insecurity issues.
Unless she agrees to go to therapy and apologizes sincerely, this will likely break trust for OP permenantly, and you can't continue a marriage without trust.
Cpt_Riker
NTA. Your wife’s friend has deliberately lied, and your wife believes her over you. She should be sleeping on the couch. You need to warn other male aquantances about that friend, and never help her again.
atealein
NTA with regard to the whole "if i tell you go sleep on the couch you sleep on the couch" argument. You are not a dog to be sent to the doghouse. What she can tell you is "I don't want to sleep in the same bed with you because I am so mad right now" and that can be fair thing to request. But then you are to go and find where to sleep - as long as it is giving her the space she wants, should not be an issue.
You might as well tell her "I moved to the guest bedroom because I am not willing to return to the bedroom with you until I am comfortable as well. So this might take a while seeing how you accused me of cheating, lying and compared me to your sister's husband." to give both of you space and time to think about what the hell is happening in your relationship.
Middle_Advisor_5979
NTA. And, oh man, do you have problems. That kind of shit is a deal breaker for me.
Roughly a week later, the OP returned with an unexpected update:
Long_Plan2
A week ago, I made a post about how my wife got angry at me for not sleeping on the couch after her friend accused me of hitting on her. Well, not too long after the arguments, we eventually confronted said friend, only for another argument to break out. This time between my wife and her friend. And I got more than I bargained for.
Basically, the friend denied ever saying I was hitting on her and said my wife took it out of context/misheard her. My wife argued back saying the opposite, that friend said I was making moves on her and flirting.
According to her friend, the words were along the lines of "your husband was very nice to me and had it been any other person, I would think they're flirting." Honestly there was a lot of back and forth about what was actually said. But in the end, it was established that I had in fact not flirted with her friend. However, because of this argument, things were heated and things were said.
What got me is when her friend revealed to me that my wife was very insecure and had been keeping tabs on me, checking my phone every now and then without my knowledge, and quote "searching my car and laundry for any feminine products/scents that didn't belong to her every so often."
Apparently, she's been confiding all of this to her friends and, at some point, even considered having one of her friends flirt with me to see what I would do. Needless to say, I'm speechless and very disappointed.
It's only now that I realize there wasn't ever any trust ever in this marriage and I'm only going to continue suffering because of her sister's failed marriage. She's tried apologizing and denying simultaneously, to the point where I'm confused what she's apologizing for and what she's denying.
I was tempted to give her the same treatment she gave me based on an accusation but, to be honest, I really don't have the energy. As of now, I've asked for some space to contemplate this entire marriage.
Thanks for everyone for the support and advice. It really means a lot. It seems like a lot of you were right. I think I'll take it from here. Again, thank you so much. Sincerest regards.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
peter095837
Wife clearly has major insecurity problems and what she has done is really terrible. OP is wanting to have space but, as much as it is predictable, I don't see this marriage continuing on more especially with what has happened. OP may forgive but it's really difficult to forgive someone that would pull something like this.
Bananas4skail
Wow OP! She's projected her insecurity so hard it contaminated her friends view of you and the friend decided to fake the 'loyalty test' for her? Sounds like she needs a NC time out, for the health of your relationship and your wife needs a therapist to vent to instead of sh!t stirring friends. Good luck my dude, thanks for the update!
scarves_and_miracles
"it contaminated her friends view of you"
The way I'm reading it, the friend didn't actually accuse OP of anything at all, but OP's wife is determined to find evidence of cheating somewhere because she's so worried about what happened to her sister happening to her.
bstabens
What a weird thing to tell your spouse to sleep on the couch because you are uncomfortable in their presence. Sleep on the couch yourself, then! It sends the same message, but it doesn't get all high and mighty. It's a partnership and not a hierarchy where one can order the other around down to the fact where they are to sleep.
MyCatsmarterthanFido
I could say that your wife has a lot of problems, but you already know that. Take your time to figure out what is best for you. Good luck, OP.