"My husband told me he settled for me."
I was a single mom of 2 when I met my husband. My husband is 9 years older than me. I was 33 when we got married. I’m 41 now. My kids are grown and out of the house now too.
My husband got drunk and revealed terrible things that I wish I just didn’t know. He married me because he didn’t want to die alone. He only had two relationships (3 total if you include me). He’s not attracted to women that look like me.
He said I’m overweight and he was very underwhelmed by my appearance but he learned to love me on the inside because even though I’m ugly on outside, I’m so beautiful on the inside.
He said that’s what makes me different from the other girls AND the way he said that to me made it sound so genuine like he was saying something so sweet and romantic to me but it’s like dude you don’t realize you just called your wife ugly?
Like wowww what?? I cried so much that night. He did apologize so much since that happened but I can’t get it out of my head that my husband thinks he’s too good for me.
He also said in no world he thought he would ever marry a single mom and basically be a “pushover” and be a dad to someone else’s kids. But he said he didn’t want to die alone and I was his only option so he took on “my baggage.”
I think my husband thinks he deserves better because he’s not overweight and he’s more financially stable than most guys. I feel like that he thinks he deserves a hot 22 year old girl with no kids. I don’t know honestly.
But it does hurt me that he thinks I'm ugly and he just married me because he didn’t want to die alone. I’ve had people tell me to get over it and everyone settles but I have a hard time believing that every married couple settles…
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I would let him die alone.
Funny how he “settled”, but couldn’t convince anyone on “his range” to be with him. What a loser. Wouldn’t be surprised that, if you leave him, he’ll start “dating” way younger girls. Only in his mind tho, he’d just be another sugar daddy for those girls.
Exactly. He’s delusional. If he could have “done better”, he would have. But he couldn’t. So he’s not settling. He got the best he could get. But now that you know he’s got delusions of grandeur, are you going to settle?
Holy hell. Be prepared for the 'I was drunk, I didn't mean it'. And, honestly, walk. There is no coming back from this that doesn't include excuses and justifications. You've got one shot at this life. Don't spend it like this.
unattractive-wife (OP)
He did apologize the next day about everything and he said that he shouldn’t have said it like that. He didn’t really take back anything that he said. It was more so insinuating to the fact that he just shouldn’t have said it so bluntly the way he did.
He says he fell in love with me for my personality and the person I am on the inside. He says it’s basically like the show love is blind. He doesn’t care anymore that im ugly and he grew to fall in love with me for me.
Get your ducks in a row, get a lawyer, then tell him, "You may have settled for me, but I certainly don't need to settle for you." And hand him the divorce papers. Make sure to be accompanied by someone. He may lose it. Makes me wonder if your kids ever picked up on his nasty attitude when you weren't paying attention. That mentality bleeds through.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
I had a lot of feedback from my first post and everyone asked for an update. There is an update. I spoke with my husband about this and he wants to make our marriage work.
He said he doesn’t care how I look like and I should be happy he’s with me for me and not the way I look. It’s just hard for me to get past, it’s hard for me to carry on in this house with him knowing my husband thinks I'm ugly.
The only reason I hesitate leaving him because I’m 41 and barely worked since I gotten married. I haven’t worked since I was a single mom. I job hopped a lot from random low entry positions. He made me feel like I’ll get no where in life since it’s too late to start a career at my age.
He laughed and asked me what will I even do? He does have a point there. I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t know what I wanna do. I hated every job I worked and I worked a lot of different kinds of entry level jobs from actual labor, waitressing, customer service, receptionist.
I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this but I think I might be unhappier going back to the workforce spending majority of my day at work scheduling appointments and speaking to people on the phone. Barely get paid a living wage too.
I think I’m gonna choose to stay for money. Sure if I divorce him I’ll get some fast money but it’s not long term, even with alimony, that’s not forever, alimony just isn’t the same as it was back in the day.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
If I’m being honest it seems like you’re both getting something, but I would start creating a life for myself outside. If you’re staying for money actually use that money to explore your interests and find true fulfillment and relationships outside of this person. Invest in you.
May this kind of love never find me.
Agree. I read this and apparently made a “disgusted face” because my husband asked me what awful thing did I see on my phone. I had to explain how two people decided to live a sad and unhappy life together because they were too lazy to improve themselves and didn’t want to die alone.
Maybe it’s a cope because I’m 37 but 41 is not that old?! I still feel young and fun and hot! It makes me sad when people give up on life so early.
I wouldn't have gotten over him calling my children "baggage". But, this is what she has chosen to do for a living. it's honest work. If she can make a peace with that, it's no different than an arranged marriage. You play with the cards you're given. Just shovel as much of the wealth to the children as you can, and make sure they're better educated, and have jobs.
Honestly and I will probably get downvoted for this. But it sounds like you both are getting something out of this marriage. He gets someone to live with and you don’t have to work and you have someone who provides for you and your kids.
If you are both content then attraction and love don’t really matter. I know people on Reddit like to go scorched earth if people aren’t in love like it’s a Disney film, but if you want to stay then do it.
But I do have questions, is your husband conventionally attractive? And as callous as this might sound, are you both in each other’s league? Because if you are then I can see why what he said in your first post would have been incredibly shocking. And he is a hypocrite.
But if you aren’t, did you have no idea that he didn’t find you attractive before you got married? Or did he lie to you. Because if he lied then that’s is where the problem is.