'AITA for telling my wife I'd leave her if my collectable cards got ruined?'
"AITA for telling my wife I'd leave her if my collectable cards got ruined?"
I know it sounds extreme, but bear with me here. My (42 F) wife (40 F) have been together for a decade. When I was younger, I used to play a card game Magic the Gathering. I didn't exactly have a lot of friends, but that gaming community accepted me and frankly, I was really good at it.
After high school, I pretty much forgot about the game until a year or two before I met my wife. I picked up a premade deck and took it to a huge state wide tournament and finished in the top 10. This made me feel really good, so I started playing regularly.
I'd go out once or twice a month and play at the local gaming store. There are still plenty of people my age that play like I do, or did rather. I still don't have a lot of friends, so it was nice to find a community again.
At first, my then girlfriend, now wife, was okay with it and even encouraged me. But about a year into the relationship, she told me that she actually thinks it's embarrassing to her that I play. She didn't stop me from going, but asked me to talk about it around her, any of her family or any mutual acquaintances.
At the time I tried to see her point of view, and respected her wishes. However, I started to feel ashamed that I still enjoyed a 'kids game' and just stopped playing and just put away all my cards.
A couple years later, my now wife got diagnosed with cancer and our bills started to pile up. I sold off the bulk of my card collection, only keeping the most sentimental cards I owned and used the $15,000 to keep us afloat. The cards I kept just stayed in the back of the closet for years.
The past few years have been tough. I've been taking care of my wife and our kids. My wife got a cat without asking me about it, and even though I hate cats, I've been the one taking care of him too. I'm the only one that feeds the cats, cleans the litter boxes, clean up any messes he makes, take him to the vet, etc.
I'm not happy about it, but the cat has brought my wife a lot of happiness, so I just do what needs to be done. Our daughter (14) has for years been asking for a dog and my wife was always completely against the idea because she doesn't like dogs.
I've had conversations about it with my wife about how I agree, because I am already stretched to my max taking care of a toddler, a teenager, a cat and a wife with cancer, holding a full time job, being the only one to cook or clean, etc. Plus, our finances are stretched where we simply cannot afford to responsiby take care of another living creature right now.
Well, a while ago, my daughter said in passing, one time, that she had thought about changing her request from a dog to a cat.
The next day, I came home from work and my wife had found a bin-neutered cat and brought him home. She didn't check with my daughter to see if she actually wanted a cat. She didn't let out daughter pick out the cat. Our daughter now hates the cat. Which leaves me to once again take care of everything.
Our finances being so tight, we haven't been able to afford to get him neutered and he is spraying everything. I don't know what's wrong with him, but his spray is almost as pungent as a skunk. And it doesn't come out.
I've had to literally throw away half of my wardrobe so far because nothing gets the smell and stain out and believe me, I've tried everything. I even took one particularly sentimental shirt from our wedding to the cleaners to see if there was anything they could do to save it, but was told it's a lost cause.
I personally don't have many possessions. I got rid of most of my stuff when my wife and I moved in together because she liked her stuff more.
If my wife and I were to separate, all my stuff could fit in two duffle bags. I've had to sell everything else to keep us afloat through these years. What I have left is probably worth less than $1000, but it's stuff that means a lot to me. I've been keeping it in our closet with the understanding that we always keep that door closed to keep the cat out.
Recently, however, my wife has been leaving the door open. The last time she did, I ended up having to throw three shirts out because the cat sprayed them.
I'm at my wits end. It's been really hard to see all my stuff go, but I've done what's necessary to keep our family functioning, but I have almost nothing left. I have 4 shirts, 3 pants, 2 pairs of underwear, 3 bras, 3 pairs of socks 1 pair of shoes, my phone, an old laptop, a tent, a box of pictures and those magic cards.
That's it. Everything else in this house is my wife's or our kids. Everything else I owned was either sold or destroyed. Yesterday the door to the closet was open again with the cat sniffing the boxes my cards were kept in and I broke down sobbing thinking that it was already too late. Luckily, he hadn't sprayed yet and I was able to get him out of the closet before anything happened.
Maybe it was an overreaction, but I lost my cool and told my wife that if she left the door open again and the cat ruined my cards or the box of pictures, I'd be done. She was selfish in getting the cat against my will and without even letting our daughter pick it out, if she even wanted a cat at all.
It was selfish to get a cat that we are unable to properly care for. That she doesn't understand how having to get rid of nearly everything I own is like getting rid of pieces of my identity. She thinks I'm overreacting and that it's just a stupid kids game.
Some other relevant pieces of information from OP:
My wife is officially cancer free right now, but undergoing some reconstructive surgeries. We've tried all sorts of sliding scale clinics to get him neutered, but even the low end has been out of our budget.
I was on the fence about leaving her before her diagnosis, but once she found out she had cancer I couldn't leave her. She doesn't have a strong support system and her mom only contacts her when she needs something. No one should have to go through cancer on their own. I'm still on the fence about leaving.
She has one more major, although elective, surgery to go through, so after she recovers from that and is able to start working again I plan on getting into therapy for some unbiased help working through whether leaving or not would be the right thing to do.
Here are comments from readers:
Cat lover here, but I don't understand why the first time the cat sprayed your clothing you weren't dropping it off at a shelter?
2 reasons. First, it's not my cat and so it's not my decision. Second, even if it was my cat, the shelters here euthanize cats very quickly if they aren't adopted. I can't stand the idea of an animal being put down for doing something that just comes naturally to it.
[deleted]
not to be that person, but have you looked into low cost neuter programs for the cat? they are out there, and probably more cost-effective than the cat ruining your stuff.
I have, and the cheapest near me is $65. I could lie and say it's a stray to get it done for less or free, but I'm not the type to lie like that. Our finances are already so tight that I have to donate plasma twice a week so we can keep a roof over our head.
Have you ever tried talking to her, before, during, or after cancer, about any of this? How she makes you feel, about how you have nothing of your own in your home, and how you're not feeling like she's really being a partner? It seems like you just push everything down and stay quiet and the resentment has been building for years.
While it's too late to go back and do things differently, have you tried to fix thing? I mean really fix them. Communicate. Couple's counseling. Not just sitting silent and accepting everything as it is while internally breaking down.
I've tried talking with her several times. Sometimes she listens sometimes she will later tell me that she doesn't remember us having a conversation at all. Nothing results in changes that last longer than a couple days.
We went to couples counseling years ago, and her and the therapist basically came to the conclusion that she is under no obligation to listen to what I say and that after I say something, I should just leave it alone, even if it's apparent she wasn't listening.
There was more to the sessions than that, but that's relevant part.
Um, was this therapist someone your wife was already friends with? Because I legit can’t imagine a therapist doing that. That’s awful. I’m so sorry, OP
She was my wife's therapist before she became our couples therapist. But as far as I know they weren't friends or anything.
The best I can figure is that the therapist was meaning something along the lines of conversations take two people and either person could opt out of it if they want? Or something like that. I don't know.
There were a few things the therapist said that at the time that made me feel like I was the one to blame for our relationship issues. Including my wife's repeated infidelity, but that's a completely different can of worms
Looking back on it now, I still question if maybe I just misunderstood what she was trying to say, if everything really was my fault or if we just had a bad therapist
ResurrectionScary
Your wife trivializes things that are important to you. She's an asshole. I'm sure she has LOTS of hobbies I could trivializes as being stupid and juvenile, but it would be wrong, because the things that make people happy are THEIRS and other people's opinions are irrelevant.
The fact that she has removed all trace of your personality from your actual existence is concerning. It is not an overreaction.
She sounds like a nightmare. You can leave her. Cancer doesn't make her into a great person and you aren't leaving her BECAUSE of her cancer. You're leaving her, because she doesn't VALUE you, at all. She values NOTHING and no one over her own wants.
iamjonjohann
Your wife is a selfish, self-centered cunt. I'm sorry, OP. NTA.
Outside-Ad-1677
Yeh this isn’t about a card game. This is about your wife treating you like shit. Making decisions that last years like getting numerous cats without consulting anyone is a massively selfish move.
Cancer doesn’t give you a season pass to be a a**hole to everyone in the family. You said you have no possessions and now she’s f*cking with the one thing you still have. This would absolutely be a deal breaker. You sound at breaking point and it’s time she starts pulling her own weight somehow.
Rehome the spraying cat, poor thing is probably stressed out and have a real come to Jesus talk with your wife. You’re not obliged to stay in a sh*tty marriage just because one of the people is sick. NTA.
TX_Farmer
NTA. Your wife is extremely disrespectful. You can replace mTg cards in this scenario with anything else - a baseball glove, a camera, or watercolor supplies. Not being careful with another person's belongings is heinous. Openly mocking a loved one about something they're passionate about is cruel.
ETA - I suggest getting your valuables and putting them in a secure storage. Put your wife's belongings at cat spray height. See how she likes it.