Husband wants to leave SAHM wife because she's 'too lazy.' AITA?
When this husband is frustated with his wife, he asks Reddit:
"AITAH…My wife is a SAHM and I honestly don’t know what she does all day. Really considering leaving her?"
Context. We were irresponsible and conceived a kid a month into knowing. We were both very into fitness and that’s what our relationship started as. (We met at a fitness competition after I followed her on instagram).
We are no longer active in the gym but still in “decent” shape. Other than that, she’s not the type of person(personality) I would’ve been attracted to. More lust than anything at the beginning.
Fast forward 8 years. She’s a stay at home mom after our daughter(2016) was born and right before our son(2017). She had a good job at a major retailer before she quit to stay at home with the kids. Mutual decision.
I’m the sole financial provider. I was in the military before we got together and we survive paycheck to paycheck on my disability from the military and my income working.
We’ve had ups and downs. I talked to some girl I met on a plane for a few months, she found out and we solved it. We moved to another state and I found her as more lazy and doing nothing than anything.
we took a break to work on ourselves a few years ago and she immediately jumped into an online relationship while I started working out and devoting more time to our kids.
She started an at home business that she half heartedly takes part in. More of a very expensive hobby than anything because she doesn’t make very much money and it’s few and far between so we can’t count on it for budgeting.
We got back together after about a month(neither moved out) and moved to another state. Kids are both in school now and she’s still a stay at home mom. The thing is, I don’t know what she does while at home.
She doesn’t work on her business unless there is an opportunity to make money(vendor markets) She’ll put in a ton of work for the week before and then blow it off until another one comes up.
Maybe 1 a month? She has 7 different instagram accounts(bunch of side hustle businesses that she no longer uses), 7 different email accounts(couldn’t tell ya), 3 different Venmos and all day freedom.
We’ve talked about her getting a job to help our financial situation(paycheck to paycheck with literally no savings) I drive a shitty Jeep patriot and she drives a big ford f150. My Jeep is paid off and we owe a lot on “her” truck. I take care of all maintenance on both vehicles until recently with the truck and it’s falling apart.
We have “talks” where I tell her I feel like she’s taking advantage of her situation, every few months. Things are good for a while and then fall back into her routine.
I honestly don’t know what she does all day long at home and I’m wondering if I’m the asshole for being so annoyed and wanting to leave her so she knows how hard life is by yourself.
She makes sure the kids get to school in the morning and picks them up. Does their laundry(not mine) makes their lunches(not mine.) I help out with all the chores besides the kids laundry.
For the most part, the house is clean and meals are prepared. About all she does in my eyes… I’m so fed up cause I know I can do this life without her and willing to, but she would be in trouble.
She grew up spoiled and had everything she wanted until she got with me. Her parents basically think I’m her responsibility and would be willing to help financially if we ever needed it but that’s not me and I won’t ever ask for that. I’m stuck.
This cycle has been going on for years and I literally hate my life when she’s like this. Advice, denouncements, support? What’s Reddit got? Also…ADHD, so sorry about the all over the place.
Let's see what readers thought.
piratelex writes:
NAH. There’s a lot of behind the scene stuff that stay-at-home-moms do. You may not realize it until it stops getting done. I see two options here, she gets a part time job while the children are at school (she can sub or even work at their school for full time and it won’t go against the kids schedule)...
OR she needs to pick up the slack on your side. There really isn’t a good reason for her not to do your laundry or make you lunch if she isn’t working and the children aren’t at home. Communicate with her. That’s where this starts. Communicate about needs not being met and set out shared goals and expectations
Don’t be surprised if she tells you she’s depressed, one of the hardest things about being a housewife is the loneliness and most the time you only are treated like a background help in your own lives.
I was a sahm for 8 years. All of the chores and errands fell on me. I still had a bit of free time even after doing my workload. I’m reluctant to judge her but something will have to give NAH.
mysetriousday writes:
NTA if true but I'm disinclined to believe you given the men I personally know who complain about their wives doing "nothing all day". I'd suggest couples therapy if she's amenable. Otherwise if you "literally hate your life" then leave.
historicaltext writes:
If you think she doesn't do anything (I think) you should clearly define what you expect her to do. Like, hey babe I don't mind providing but I'm tired of helping with chores too--can you please start packing my lunch? If you haven't asked her to do more you can't also expect change.
I'm a SAHM and every day I battle suicidal thoughts. I just look around at my messy house and I think about how much I do and how little it shows. I can't wait to find a job but I definitely do mostly nothing when my kids aren't around.
(In my defense, I do 100% of the childcare at night which is crazy exhausting--my therapist believes once I get back into a regular sleep pattern I will probably get better with little effort)
Being a mom is so hard is really what I'm trying to say. You're not an asshole but neither is she. She's trying to find a side hustle at least.
My husband and I have a lot of sex soooo maybe you should try that to see if it's really the end of the relationship or if you are just feeling under appreciated/ neglected.