Me (31m) and my wife (32f) have been married for 6 years and have a daughter 5f. My wife and I have a very productive and good relationship aside from the problem I am currently posting about.
So, I have a job engineering software, and as a side hustle an App I created on the side. I bring in after-tax about 200k a year and my wife has a Creative Writing degree and can bring in anywhere from 25k-40k a year. Unfortunately, after my daughter was born, my wife wanted to be a SAHM as she had separation anxiety.
I was very much against it as I really wanted a two-income household and I also dreamed of being a SAHD but knew it would never be possible in this economy and if I wanted to give my daughter a good life. My wife would not relent, so I gave up and let her stay at home.
So, when I get my income, I put 65 percent in my investment and savings including my daughter's trust and her college fund. The remainder pays the bills, buys the groceries, and pays for me AND my wife's car.
After everything, there is about 2-3k left of fun money and I give my wife $900. It has worked for about 3 years but recently my wife has been very upset about the arrangement, I pay for every date, vacation, and family outing, so I don't get why she is upset. She requested that at every pay cheque, I should give her half what I make, and we both can spend it how we like.
I said absolutely not and that there was no way I am going to work tirelessly 80 hours a week, losing precious time with my daughter just to come home and do chores. Just to give her 100k for lazing around. I said, at that point, there was no reason or incentive for me to work so hard anymore.
Then she said I don't know how hard her job was and I was being unfair. I then requested that I quit my job, so she could find a job to support us, and we will see who has the harder job. She just stormed off and said I was an A-hole, but I went ahead and put in my 2 weeks as I have been thinking about quitting for almost 9 months now.
When my wife found out I quit she was horrified and said there was no way her salary would support us. I told her that it would pay our bills, but we would have 0 left over but that's what she wanted anyway.
ESH - If it’s not a troll, please tell me you have at least 6-months of living expenses squared away and/or your app brings enough to support your household until you or your wife decide to become adults again and have an actual discussion?!
Do know why she wants more than 900 a month of fun money? Are you saving for everyone? Your daughter, yourself AND your wife? As in does she have access / is her name on the savings and investments account? You can afford to give her more than $900 and if you don’t - is that she doesn’t feel secure because she’s not part of the financial planning? So many questions.
Ps: you both work - her at home, you at the office. So no, she’s not be getting free money. That said - you have a problem if your wife became a stay at home mum against your wishes and you didn’t do anything about it for 5 years. Have you told her you wanted to quit your job? Have you asked her to look for at least part time work?
Her name is on EVERYTHING even the house. She has joint access to my savings and the 900 was just for her I covered everything else. I told her I wanted to quit my job at therapy because of burnout but she refused saying we needed the money.
ESH. I understand why you have done what you did but it's a bit extreme and a bit over the top. As my old Mum would have said "You have cut your nose off to spite your face!" Your 5 year old is now at school there is absolutely no reason why your Wife shouldn't have gone back to work and started contributing again anyway. In fact no reason why you shouldn't both work.
Thank you for your reply.
NTA but it sounds like you guys need serious marriage counseling. If you dreamed of being a stay at home dad you probably shouldn’t have married a creative writing major. You clearly really resent your wife for staying home and caring for your daughter and home instead of looking at it as a contribution to the family.
On the other hand, if she is lazy and doesn’t do a good job caring for your daughter or home then that’s a different discussion. $900 is a lot of fun money unless she has some very expensive habits. My husband and I don’t even spend that much monthly combined, outside of vacations or weekend getaways.
Did you ask her why she is making that request? Maybe she has a new friend that’s in her ear about how “unfair” your current arrangement is or she’s using part of that $900 to cover stuff for the home or your daughter because of inflation.
What you did was pretty drastic, but I do think it’ll help both of you gain a better understanding of the difficulties of each role. I think ya’ll just need to communicate better and get on the same page about your goals.
Thank you for your insight and I accept that I am the asshole and in the wrong. My wife and I are having a serious talk about our family's future. I just apologized and begged for forgiveness, and we are both against divorce. I know this is a fast update, but I took what everyone said to heart.
I have read EVERY SINGLE comment and have replied to most. I hope everyone has a GREAT DAY. Some friends and family have been telling me I am in the wrong while others are saying my wife is the wrong one. I don't really feel like I have any real answers yet.