Wife's broken when hubby tells friends he loves her even though his 'ex is hotter.' + Update
"I broke my wife and I don’t think it is fixable"
TemppThrowawa
This happened 6 months ago. And I only chose to talk now because I don’t see improvement in sight and I am hopeless. We were at a party. My friend is single and we started talking about love and relationships. My wife and I have been happily married for 7 years. We have 3 beautiful children.
She is the love of my life. When I was talking to my friend I felt like we were on different levels of thinking. His complaints are mostly superficial about how the people he dated looked.
I was a bit drunk at that point and said something like “you don’t fall in love with looks, look at me and my wife I love her more than anything compared to my ex who was just looks” everyone went silent and my damage control was worse so I ended up shutting the hell up.
I couldn’t get my point across but even I thought that maybe these thoughts have been in my head but only came out when I was drunk. My wife was shocked.
The first week, she was so angry and wanted to understand what I meant and nothing I said was good enough. I was drunk. I love her. I think she’s the most beautiful woman. She thought being drunk made me say my true feelings.
Then one morning she just said, “you know, I have never felt as ugly as I have felt this past week. I have always thought I am beautiful”. She didn’t cry this time but she hasn’t been happy since. I started crying and apologizing but she was like emotionless.
It was the last time she looked at me too. She is taciturn and distant but only with me. She has lost 20lbs and she works out 6-7 days a week. She never has free time with me.
If she’s not with the children or her family and friends she’s immersed in some book or has her headphones on. She’s always fully clothed now even in bed. She locks the bathroom door when she takes a shower She is more active on social media too.
She shares many pictures of her. And she thanks everyone who gives her a compliment. Before, it was just pictures with our children and pets but now it’s her. Working out in sports bras and tights. I broke her and I don’t know how to fix it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
cassiopeia8212
"she didn't cry this time". That says a lot.
ladyboobypoop
Yeah, knowing what he said for "damage control" is necessary, because that error would have been so easy to fix.
"Oh god, no! What I meant was, my wife has more than good looks, which is why our marriage works. She's more than her pretty face"
So I can only imagine what he spewed to make it this bad.
Beneficial_Syrup_869
The fact that everybody has asked him and he hasn’t said, i am gonna guess it was bad, even too bad for the insanity of the internet.
Ill-Lengthiness-9223
Oh my, he has responded to a lot of questions EXCEPT what the ‘damage control’ was. That says a LOT!
So, the OP replied and explained:
TemppThrowawa
My friend and wife and my wife’s friend and husband were very silent and I started saying that “I didn’t mean that my wife wasn’t good looking, I just meant that I loved her for other things.”
Then even worse I said that sometimes you are very attracted to someone and everything is a whirlwind with them but you have nothing in common and see no future and I probably eluded that I used my brain and not my labito when looking for a relationship.
I thought it was the logical way of thinking but for her I think she would have preferred that whirlwind and passion. I haven’t read all comments this is the first one I read that asked to explain the damage control.
Quirky_Movie
Which is downright terrifying...
which is what I assume he implied about his wife looks as damage control.
FuckYeahPhotography
"Listen, your ugliness isn't that bad, it's your painfully noticeable fat that I think is far worse. Also there are many fashion options for plus-plus-plus sized ladies these days, it's not how it was. Hey, why are you crying more?? That's good! That's a good thing babe!
They don't even have to have relations with you so none of them are even aware of your aggressively weird body. Only I have to- why are you grabbing that knife? They aren't serving cake until later!'
Icy-Organization-338
You don’t ruin a marriage with one sentence, this is ‘straw that broke the camels back’ stuff. Yes this would have been incredibly hurtful and embarrassing for her, but in a happy and healthy relationship - you would have been able to apologise, grovel, explain yourself better and fix it. This was her final straw. That’s why you broke her.
AndIDrankAllTheBeer
What is up with people talking about their ex’s so freely in some of these Reddit posts. That is done and dead. This is what happens when you speak about your ex’s. Your current SO is gonna feel some type of way. You’ve been married for 7 yrs and still talk about your ex’s looks whether you mean it good or bad. So dumb.
snickerzK
You say your damage control was worse. What else did you say that night and how long did you do it for?
spicyone16
At the moment she may not want to break the family up for the kids. But I'm pretty sure she has already checked out of this marriage.
Beneficial_Syrup_869
She’s done with you, she’s is getting her ducks in a row and don’t be surprised when you get the divorce papers. I don’t think she’s coming back from this, in that moment she lost everything she had for you. Get to individual therapy, sort out your mind and prep to be left soon.
Just under a month later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: I broke my wife and I don’t think it is fixable"
TemppThrowawa
We have been going to counseling and my wife at first has been very reluctant to open up and wanted to pretend that everything was fine. One session, she just asked me: I want the truth. Here and now. No sugarcoating and do not try to spare my feelings.
Did you find me attractive when we met? I really didn’t know what to say to this. I love her more than anything. Even more than my children and myself. I think that she’s the most beautiful woman I know but did I immediately think that when I met her?
No, I didn’t really find her attractive. We all grow up having a type. I remember thinking that she wasn’t exactly my type. But she was so lovable and sweet. It didn’t take me long to fall for her and now, I find women who look like her attractive so I guess type is something very superficial and fleeting. I told her the truth.
She cried and said that she herself didn’t know why she was so hurt and crying. She knew that there were more beautiful women. She never wanted to be the most beautiful woman either.
But that she always been considered beautiful by other people(which is true) and always got attention. But the fact that the one person she wanted to be found the most beautiful girl in the world by, didn’t think that. And that’s what made her sad. The man she loved way before we even started dating.
This was on our latest session and it was the most draining experience. Later when we got home she apologized for making a big deal out of something this trivial. But that she just couldn’t help it and she was as confused to why it affected her so badly.
On Saturday she told me that she didn’t want to stay in our marriage. That something broke inside of her. She asked me if I would try to hurt her and the children if we did separate.
If I would use them to get back at her. Alienate her, because she chose to leave. I promised her that none of this would happen and that I loved her and wanted her to be happy even if it wasn’t with me.
Our families are in uproar over this. Mostly they’re angry with her. That she let her insecurities get the best (and worst) of her. But I don’t think it is insecurity to be honest.
She has never cared about people’s attention. She just realized that the only person whose approval she cared about didn’t give her. At least that he had to learn it and that wasn’t enough.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
tiffytatortots
And there is Wayyyyy more to this story for sure. Especially the fact they are in counseling already. This is most likely the straw that broke the camels back.
chinarosess
This is an update for the husband's original post. The counseling is relatively new due to an incident where OP humiliated his wife at a party by basically saying to his friend "stop being so shallow about women, look at my wife, she's no beauty queen but I love her " in so many words.
The OP's wife became detached and started hard core working out and "glowing-up". Apparently their marriage was perfect until he had the audacity and then just made excuses for like half a year.
mirageofstars
Ah I think I remember that one. Yeah I’d be devastated too.
KobilD
So defend her from both of your families.
SansGray
I remember the original too. To say it in front of a group of friends? I'd be devastated too. Not that he feels that way, but because he felt comfortable expressing that in front of so many people. OP says he loves his wife sure, but does he respect her?
youareinmybubble
dude your pencil is not sharp at all! You really could HAVE changed the way you said that to her. " I had a type back then but one look at you and that type was broken you were the most Amazing woman I had ever meet.
you were different then every other women in the best ways possible" You could of also said "you fall in like with looks you fall in love with the person they are." Your wife is struggling and you keep putting your foot in your mouth.