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'My MIL convinced my fiancé to get me an engagement ring I hate instead of the one I wanted.' UPDATED

'My MIL convinced my fiancé to get me an engagement ring I hate instead of the one I wanted.' UPDATED

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"I hate my engagement ring, my husband doesn’t know."

I (25f) and my husband (24m) have been together for over three years. We got engaged last winter and have been married now for 6mo. I hate the ring. He wanted a traditional engagement - pick the ring himself, talk to my family first, one knee, etc. I showed him many photos of rings I liked, we even shopped together and picked a few we both loved.

He ended up proposing with a ring that looks nothing like anything we had picked together. He told me later he showed his mom photos of what I liked and in short, she disagreed. She didn’t like that we had picked lab-created or moissanite stones. She also told him the shapes I liked were “dated”

(ig her engagement ring had one of these “dated” shapes originally and she recently spent thousands to have it reset with a BIG “modern” pear shape). She pushed him for “real” diamonds which blew his budget, so my husband picked a tiny diamond pear, halo, with stones around the band (similar to his mom’s, just smaller).

I hate it. I struggle with sensory issues and the side stones pinch my fingers. I think about it all day every day. I sometimes have to take it off while driving because it hurts to hold anything. I’ve worn the ring out of loyalty for my husband since he proposed. I bought my own wedding band and the e ring is little enough I can hide it in a stack of other rings.

I feel like a brat for hating it. It was far too expensive to be as ugly and poorly crafted as it is. I have to have it serviced almost monthly because the prongs on the side bend and snag my clothing. The jeweler I consult with has told me this can’t be fixed due to the size. He’s warned me that I will lose stones, likely most of them on the band if a single prong breaks.

It’s a constant reminder my husband picked his mom’s taste over mine for a symbol of our commitment. I would rather have green fingers from something meaningful than this “purist” crap.

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

You’re staying silent to keep the peace. Here is the truth about ‘keeping the peace:’ The person who is feeling pressured to keep the peace is NEVER the one who’s threatening the peace in the first place.

said:

You need to communicate with him about it. Will it hurt his feelings? Probably. But your feelings are important too. He prioritized his moms wishes over yours and he should know that’s an issue. If you did something that hurt his feelings wouldn’t you want to know so you could correct it or avoid hurting him again?

said:

You need to be honest with your husband. Otherwise you’ll just keep getting shitty gifts that he thinks he’s doing A+ on. While it’s small in the grand scope of things it becomes a bigger issue when you guys are struggling.

[deleted] said:

I came to this statement with one attitude after reading the headline, but boy did my attitude change fast. First and most foremost, YOU ARE NOT A BRAT. At first I thought you might be a prima donna. But no, you've got real complaints. I'm writing this as the wife of a jeweler, so I do know a bit about these sorts of situations on the technical side. You said that you have to have this ring serviced monthly.

Next time you take it to the jeweler's, have him/her show you a variety of settings that you like and have the stones reset. Your justification for doing so is that you were afraid of losing stones and were advised to reset the stones. Also as a wife, I'd be outraged if my husband had gone with a family member's taste in a ring over mine/ours. Best of luck.

said:

Stop wearing it. Tell him it’s not comfortable to wear, it pinches and hurts you, and catches on everything. Tell him you did your best to respect the love he put into the ring but that you wished he’d picked a style you liked and not overruled your preferences because his mom told him to.

You’re going to have much bigger problems happen in life, it’s important you establish good communication with your husband. And excluding MIL from important decisions in favour of his wife will eliminate further conflict. Begin as you mean to go on, before it becomes a pattern.

In response to one of the comments, OP wrote:

It feels like a stupid thing to have deep feelings about. There are good days it doesn’t bother me at all (except for the physical tiny pinches), some days it really pisses me off and makes me feel unimportant.

We handle big things very well, but this is that small naggy thing that I constantly debate is even worth mentioning - which is why I came here to confess. It is just rocks and metal in the end. I really wanted to feel out if I was just being a whiny ungrateful b**..

I don’t see the point in hurting anyone else’s feelings over rocks and metal, but I know many of you are probably right. I need to just tell him so it doesn’t continue to fester. You’re right about the humor too - good thinking. He has a great sense of humor and honestly, depending on how I approach it, he might be able to laugh with me about it now. I appreciate it stranger friend in the internet.

A month and a half after her original post, OP shared this update:

Thank you all for your comments and support. Everyone says it, but I didn’t think this would get the attention it has. A few days ago I stopped wearing my ring. After the last repair, its in my jewelry box. I have been wearing my wedding band in a stack by itself for now. My husband noticed and complimented my wedding band while I was driving on a short road-trip together over the weekend.

I explained that my engagement ring pinches bad while I drive and I decided I would only wear it on special occasions to protect the stones (he’s been aware of all of the repairs). He then laughed a bit and told me “you could just not wear it at all, keep it for sentimental value”.

I was a bit taken back, so I asked him if he had purchased insurance for it like we had discussed after we got engaged - he apologized for telling me he would, but he decided it wasn’t worth it to him a long time ago. He was waiting for the ring to wear out, or me to stop wearing it because he’s wanted to replace it “since he bought it” and he wants to upgrade that “bad boy” as often as he can.

In all of my avoidance to protect his feelings, it didn’t occur to me that HE didn’t like the ring either. As I suspected, he honest thought his mom’s taste would be better - the conversations compounded and it made him second guess himself. After he confessed he didn’t like it, I confessed the style isn’t mine, and it makes me think of his mom - we laughed together.

He explained he’s already been saving for something special for a while, but told me to pick myself out something silver I can wear comfortably in the meantime.

I’d marry him again with a twist-tie. I wish I wouldn’t have danced around the fear of hurting his feelings for so long.. live and learn

Sources: Reddit
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