He gave constant excuses for two years to avoid introducing her to his children. UPDATED
"34F feeling stuck after 2 years of dating because I haven’t met his 32M kids."
I’m a 34F who’s been in a relationship with my 32M boyfriend for over two years. I have a child from a previous relationship, he has two from his, and my child and my boyfriend get along great. But after all this time, I still haven’t met his kids, and it’s been a real point of frustration for me.
Each time I’ve asked about meeting them, he’s had a different excuse. The first time he said he wasn’t sure where they’d sleep, and I responded by offering to go half with him on beds for them to go in my spare bedroom.
Another time he said the timing wasn’t right, and I tried to be understanding and suggested we plan a play date out somewhere for all of the children. When he mentioned the long drive being an issue, I started getting frustrated (the drive is 30 mins, he travels farther for work). And lastly when he said he didn’t want to deal with his ex’s complaints, everything started to click and I lost it.
No matter how I tried to address each excuse, it never seemed to change the outcome. His ex is in a new relationship, and her new partner has already met their kids. Knowing that her boyfriend has been welcomed into that part of their lives just highlights how excluded I feel.
I’ve told my boyfriend how all of this makes me feel like we’re not on the same page and that our relationship is stagnant. Knowing all this he keeps reassuring me that it will happen eventually, but he never gives a clear timeline.
And it’s not just about meeting his kids. We’re not on the same page about the future either. I want to get married and have another child someday, and while he says he wants marriage in theory, we never really have a serious conversation about it. As for having another child, he’s made it clear he’s not interested, and that’s a big deal to me.
On top of that, he has child support obligations from his kids mother, and while I understand that’s a financial strain, he’s not doing anything to adjust it. He won’t talk to his ex about renegotiating, he won’t pick up extra work, and I feel like I’m left carrying a lot of the load.
So here I am wondering: do I cut my losses and move on, or do I try to be more patient and understanding and see if he’ll step up? I’d really appreciate any advice on how to navigate this.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Sounds like he doesn’t see a future with you.
Or she's his side piece.
Bunni_rabbit3910 (OP)
Whoa, hold on. Though I agree he may have not seen a future with me I was definitely not the side piece hunny. Please do not project that energy on me. We were together nearly everyday these last two years expect if we had to go to work or he had his children even then we would be on the phone the entire time he was away.
If I was the side piece there is no way his “main” would be okay with him constantly being around me or on the phone with him and not notice or say something. There was no indication of this so please stop projecting.
Cut your losses. You have fundamental differences in the current and future state of the relationship that he has no interest in discussing or changing. He doesn’t see a future. You can’t make someone want another child. Please move on.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
So the day after I posted this me, him and my child went to one of his family gatherings. Usually I don’t bring my child because it normally for adults only but I didn’t have anyone who could watch my baby for me.
He called one of his family members and asked if any other children would be there. And get this, his oldest child was gonna be there and he wasn’t aware of this. Long story short, we went to the gathering.
I met his child and to be expected it was awkward as hell but I did my best to try to interact as much as I could. I felt good about the encounter and I couldn’t wait to meet his youngest child.
On the way home we talked about and he let it slip how crazy it was that she was there. He said that he was JUST talking to one of his family members about how I haven’t met his kids and why.
He admitted to this family member that he was intentionally dragging his feet but wouldn’t tell me more than that or why. When I tell yall that pissed me off till no end but I didn’t say anything.
I stewed over this information on top of everything else I told yall (the lack of being on the same page as far as the future). I came to the decision I wanted it to be over. So I ended it.
He told me that he hasn’t done anything (i.e filed for custody and other things I suggested) because “if I left today or tomorrow he would have the face the consequences and I could go out and live my life”.
I thought I was making a mistake breaking up with him but once he said that, I knew I made the right decision. Thank you so much for the advice. I completely appreciate it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He didnt want to file for custody of his own kids ….. because he couldnt guarantee that YOU would raise them for him??? What a deadbeat.
Bunni_rabbit3910 (OP)
Didn’t think of it that way.
“He’s just not into you” vibes.
Or his kids apparently!
It took me way too long to realise she hasn’t met them because he doesn’t even have custody of them.
For me, "Do you want kids?" Is a "talking to" stage question, and if we aren't on the same page it never progresses to dating. How do people end up in long term relationships with someone who they have such a fundamental difference with?
I was half expecting to find out that the 2 kids didn't exist, and it was something like "I have 2 kids. You wouldn't know them, they go to another high school."