'I’m leaving my boyfriend because he asked for a prenup.' UPDATED
"I’m leaving my boyfriend because he asked for a prenup."
I’m (34f) breaking up with my boyfriend (34m) because of a prenup. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years. Everything is going well and we love each other. We’ve been discussing marriage, and he mentioned he would not marry me without a prenup.
We discussed this in detail, and I did not like what he proposed. His family owns a lot of property, land, and has lots of savings. After marriage, he was wants me to move into one of the houses his parents own. I told him I am uncomfortable building a life and a family in a house I have no ownership in, and he didn’t understand
I told him I’d prefer to rent a place together, or we can live temporarily in one of his parents’ houses and look at property together, but he refused. He said he liked the houses his parents and he already owned. He said he would not buy other property, he said he would not sell any of his property to buy one with me.
He told me if I wanted to own property, I could save up money by living in one of these properties and invest in one myself - problem is - he would be entitled to half if we divorce since my purchase would happen after marriage. He told me I could pay his parents rent if I feel like I don’t “belong” on the property.
He told me I could “buy half” of the house we live in from his parents. Problem is, I don’t like the houses that him or his parents own. They also have a lot of stuff, and I feel like there’s no space for me. I want to look at houses, I want to pick the place I live in, and I want to do it with my partner.
I’ve made this clear to him over and over, but he won’t budge. He earns more than me, and he has more assets than me for sure. He made it clear he was afraid I was a gold digger, and he wants to protect himself and his family’s assets from me, which I can understand.
This whole thing has made me feel very weird. This topic has come up before, and it has always made me feel very small. It makes me feel like all he cares about are his assets. It makes me feel like he wants me as long as I fit into the life he already built, and doesn’t care to build one with me. It makes me feel Ike a gold digger.
He has enough money to retire right now and live comfortably. I don’t. He basically told me that whatever money he earns now, he can spend, so he won’t be investing in too much anymore. He expects our earnings and our savings after marriage to be split…. Which I feel off about. I’m sure this is normal for some people.
I’m sure other people would be happy to be with someone who was well off. I am not. I want someone beside me building a life with me, not someone who has built a life with his parents and wants me as long as I behave and fits into his life, which is how he’s been making me feel. So I’m leaving him.
I welcome opinions on this. But yeah, it’s been too long that this has made me feel off about our relationship. I’m protecting my peace and leaving him with all his houses and money.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the initial post:
This is a great move, you’re doing the right thing. I’m usually team pre-nup but you’d be getting screwed here, especially if you kept building wealth and your assets post-marriage and he just kicks back on what he already has.
If you did split he’d make out better than you despite already starting with one leg up. On top of that he’s not listening to what you want- your own place and space and a life you build together. He just wants you to follow his plan. Yucky.
pumicealice OP responded:
That’s what I was trying to get him to see too! But he takes it as “oh, so you’re coming after the wealth my parents worked so hard to build??” And I’m left speechless.
"If you think that's something I'd do, then why would you want to marry me?"
pumicealice OP responded:
I’ve asked him, and he says he doesn’t think I’ll do it. But “just in case.”
My favorite part is that it’s not even his wealth. HE’S the one going after everything his parents have built lol.
pumicealice OP responded:
Yes ? he got most of it from mom and dad.
He can have all his wealth and hire escorts when he feels like, because that's what he really wants, someone he can f$#@ and do some fun stuff but he has no obligations with. If he loves money so much, that's all that's he is going to have.
Also, he is the gold digger for expecting full right on whatever wealth you build, but he won't put a single cent into the marriage.
pumicealice OP responded:
Sounds like it, but I don’t think they are THAT rich where an actual gold digger would marry him…
That's such an odd take because you're declining free housing. You want to spend money on a shared asset. I get the he wants to live forever on his parents' money but it's blowing my mind that he can't see that he's not protecting himself, he's screwing you.
He's eliminating your ability to build any kind of equity (which you'd be doing on your own with your own money so where'd the gold digging?) and would very possibly be entitled to a large chunk of it once you're able to acquire it.
pumicealice OP responded:
I think it’s two birds one stone. He’s protecting himself and screwing me at the same time. To me, the free rent doesn’t justify the trade off for my feeling of independence and autonomy.
About 2 months later OP came back with this update:
so many things have happened. This is a bit of a rant, and I know I’m missing parts, but I’ll try to cover the important bits.
Before I start, here’s some important context. I have a stable and rewarding career, and tho I don’t earn as much as him, I am very happy with what I can afford. My parents have always taught me that women should be independent, and I’ve taken that to heart.
I live below my means, which has allowed me to put aside money for savings and investments. A lot of comments have mentioned that I should take the free rent, and that it would somehow set me forward in life, but for me, giving up my sense of autonomy and control over my home, my safe space, is not worth the potential savings.
He can keep what was his, but I want to build up what is OURS. Also, if everything is completely split, it’ll open up a new can of worms. How will our expenses be split if I’m working and he’s just chilling? What happens when we have children? He has money saved for them, but will I get a say in how we spend that money?
I know these can be worked out… but… this is not the type of marriage I want. I can’t predict everything that will happen, and I don’t think I can capture it in a contract. And it’s already been so heartbreaking for me, I don’t wanna go through more.
Anyways yadda yadda yadda - I’ll just say that it felt like I was being stripped of my autonomy, stonewalled, and treated like a hostile.
Ok - onto updates. So, I told him I needed to end this relationship. I appreciated and truly enjoyed my time with him, but our financial values and the preferred married lifestyle just don’t match.
It was a quick and easy conversation tbh, I expected the break up to be a bit of a process, not a one-and-done thing, since our lives overlap a lot. I’m also in contact with a lot of his family, so ofc, during this whole time, a lot of them got involved… but blah blah. Not super relevant to updates.
Talk with his parents: Ok. I love his parents. I had a great relationship with them. I would go over to their house, we would have food, chat, watch tv, sometimes I would go to the parties they host without my ex if he was busy. A few days after my talk with my ex, I went over to say goodbye.
I didn’t know if the prenup was family enforced or not, so I kept it very general and mainly focused on how the situation made me feel and what I was looking for in a relationship. His parents were shocked pikachu face when I told them why I was leaving. Im going to bullet point the rest:
His parents REALLY want grandbabies. However, ex’s younger brother and SIL do not want kids. They were SO happy when I came into their lives and she found out I wanted kids
His parents had created their wealth together, with his dad being the major bread winner for most of the relationship
His mom was shocked at what he was offering me, saying these aren’t the values he was raised with. She had been effectively retired since almost 15 years ago, and she said ex’s dad never made her feel uncomfortable because of the difference in earning potential
They told me that they built their assets for themselves and their children. They said that includes whoever their children decided to share their lives with
They have many properties. However, they also have enough investments that they can live off of those. They told me their plan was to sign over a house of our choosing as a wedding gift, or sell a house and give us cash so we could buy a house we both wanted.
As they got older, they planned to evenly divide their properties between my ex and his brother, since they wouldn’t want to manage the properties anymore, and live off investments. Ex’s mom said she would’ve made sure my name was on my ex’s portion, especially since we were wanting kids
They mentioned investments will go directly into funds for grandkids after their passing. Maybe this is what my ex was referring to when he said his children would be set (?). Bit morbid tho
Exs mom told me that the mother of her grandbabies would be taken care of, and she wanted us to be on equal footing while raising a family Tbh, this conversation was kind of like a weight off my chest… I always loved his family and never felt excluded, but the prenup talks left me confused and hurt.
What they said fit with what I knew from my ex and them before. Id be lying if I said I didn’t start imagining this life I talked to my ex again. Basically, he told me:
his dad had joked before about how he hoped him and his brother would not find gold diggers, and that’s where that comment came from
he felt responsibility to protect his parents’ assets, since he didn’t feel entitled to them, so by extension, I wasn’t entitled either
In his culture, sons carry on the family line, so he felt he had to keep his assets in the family line, which I’m not part of, but any sons we had would be
Most of the assets he’s worried about are under his parents’ name, and he had never asked for their opinion on what to do. He just did what he thought he should be
He also said he isn’t that well off… and that his assets shouldn’t come between us??? This is still confusing to me. Isn’t this whole thing because he was well off, and wanted to hold onto what he had and not create a shared lifestyle? I think maybe he meant he didn’t own much, and most things actually were under his parents’ name
he felt he was out of his league with me, and was scared I would leave him
he was afraid I was with him because of his finances, since that was the only thing he “had more” of, whereas he said I am intelligent, hard working, beautiful .. blah blah.
He was scared about moving forward with the relationship, but instead of communicating, he became defensive
To me, it seems like he said and did things because he was feeling deeply insecure. He had made a couple passing comments before about me being more beautiful than him, or how I’m more hardworking etc etc, but I had always taken them as compliments, not self-deprecating comments towards himself.
he’s such a caring, funny, and intelligent person, just in a different way than me. Also, I know he’s not as confident as he comes across, but I had no idea that his insecurities ran this deep…
he also apologized over and over about how he didn’t mean to make me feel like an outsider to him and his parents, and insisted that he wanted to share a life with me. He said his insecurities and fear got the best of him, and he didn’t handle it well. He had taken advantage of my patience and lashed out because he felt inadequate and scared. It broke my heart, because I think all this could’ve been avoided.
We’ve been through this song and dance before many times, where he would feel some sort of way, then act out as he’s processing it. Until now, I always stay through it and we move on. But it’s never gone on for so long. But I guess the issues we’ve faced before were smaller compared to mapping out our whole lives.
I’ve pushed him to seek individual counselling and we’ve attended couples counselling together, but I can’t force him to sit and identify his emotions or employ the tools we were taught. The prenup conversation happened over a long period of time. He had so many chances to pump the brakes and reflect on what he was saying, and simply just ~listen~ to me.
But he didn’t. He then sat in front me saying that everything he said before was not what he meant. he said he would be happy to take care of me and our future kids, we could buy a house together, or rent if I wanted to, because now he wasn’t scared about creating a life together…. Completely opposite to everything he HAD been saying.
But how unsettling is it that he seemed so completely comfortable and confident in the hurtful words he previously said, and was ok with placing me in a very unequal position in the relationship. Despite me continuously trying to articulate what I wanted, and how he was making me feel, he didn’t even consider my side, over MONTHS.
I know I have a “good deal” with what his parents are offering, and I know him and I get along super well. But I’m not marrying his parents. I can’t have his mom with us during every argument or life decision we take. Thinking back, I can count on one hand where we’ve run into issues, and he was able to address it without acting up.
He’s such a nice guy, but I can’t be his garbage bin every time he needs to sort out his feelings. It’s already worn me down. He’s a grown man, he’s intelligent and intuitive, he’s had two years to learn how to communicate with me, and he’s not. I honestly can’t tell if what he said to me is genuine, or coming from his parents, or coming from a fear of losing me.
I could give him the benefit of the doubt again, and move forward with the relationship, as I’ve done in the past, but… I’m tired. I think this is a fixable problem, but I also have not seen any improvement since we started dating. If anything - this prolonged experience has made me feel it’s gotten worse.
I will not make the mistake of investing in a man because of what he could be, instead of who he is. If the last few months are a testament to how he handles stressful situations, I can only take things as they are, and assume they won’t change.
This whole thing has left me sour. I don’t need too much, but I do expect to be treated with love and support, even during times of disagreement. I cannot just forget the feelings and words I’ve felt and heard over the last couple of months. I can’t just un-hear and un-know that he is afraid I’m a gold digger. That was just one of many comments that really hurt me.
I think life will have a lot more ups and downs, and I cannot imagine what kind of difficulties we’ll face if this is how we communicate, even after identifying it and working on it in therapy.
For these reasons, I’m still choosing to walk away. Very diff from leaving because a prenup, but it is leaving nonetheless. And tbh, this hurts more. I know it will hurt for a while, but I pray I’ll be avoiding heartache and complications in the future. Who knows. If it was meant to be, maybe we’ll find our way back. For now, I’ve told him and his family I need space and time.
I know that it seems like I’m giving up a lot, but ofc there are things I can’t put in a post.
——— I actually wrote the above quite early. But I didn’t post because it didn’t feel like it was over. But now after this time, I know it is. It’s been tough, and it’s only been a couple months, but I’m sure I made the right call. It’s tough watching everyone coupled up and having children, but it is what it is. I’m proud of myself for leaving, and I’m slowly healing
Thank you everyone for your comments and DMs. Sorry I couldn’t get back to everyone! But I appreciate you all.