Man uncomfortable with donor egg from wife's sister. Wife says 'get comfortable.'
On Reddit's r/Relationship_Advice subreddit, a man asks how to proceed as a situation barells towards a conclusion his wife and he will never be able to walk back. On Reddit, he writes:
'My (36M) wife (37F) won't allow us to delay IVF even though circumstances have changed and we're now using a donor egg from her sister which I'm not totally comfortable with. How should I handle this situation?'
My wife (37F) and I (36M) have just been through 2+ years of emotional, stressful and ultimately unsuccessful IVF. After our final round 3 months ago we were told that using her own eggs to get pregnant via IVF isn't a viable option.
As soon as we received this news my wife was immediately on the phone to her younger sister basically beginning the process of organizing an IVF donor round with her.
At the time I told her that I didn't want to rush in and that using her sister's donor eggs changed things for me and I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with it.
Prior to this there had been some brief discussion about her sister potentially being willing to donate her eggs, however it was never discussed seriously.
She essentially brushed off my concerns and immediately started the process (sister had some of her own eggs frozen first, counselling with all parties and now the starting of the donor cycle).
I made it clear during the counselling session with the IVF people that I wasn't on board yet and was still processing everything. I think I went along with the process at the time because I didn't want to upset my wife who doesn't receive bad news well at the best of times.
At the time she basically just said "well you have 2 months to get comfortable". Skip forward to a few weeks ago and suddenly I'm being informed that both her and her sister were starting the medication.
I was never asked about whether or not I was okay with this. Fight ensued where I again reiterated the fact that I wasn't actually on board with this. I was again told that there's still time to process before it's all happening.
A week later I build up the courage to have another conversation with her about it. I explain that I'm not comfortable yet and need more time to process everything.
Given that her sister has already started the mediation I offered what I thought was a good compromise of we can create the embryos but then freeze them to allow me some time (not heaps, I only mentioned 2-3 months).
This was met with a tirade of anger and tears and accusations of how selfish I am. She also mentioned that "how could you do this to me, we've already started the medication".... This basically ended with me being told "there's still a week or so left for you to process, try your best to accept it".
I understand that due to biology we don't have unlimited time, however I don't think that an extra few months is going to have a big impact. I was fully supportive throughout our previous IVF cycles, however I feel as though my feelings are being ignored and she is just bulldozing me over to get what she wants.
Although we were given the news 3 months ago, it doesn't feel like I've been involved in the decision at all and it was already underway back then when she started all of this. Because of that fact I don't think I've actually been able to process anything.
I've started to notice that whenever my wife doesn't get her way it often results in my opinions being ignored, disproportionately big arguments and eventually me getting bulldozed.
This is making me question if she has ever really cared about my feelings or opinions at all. It seems crazy to me that when the person you supposedly love raises concerns and offers sensible compromise it can just be ignored like this.
Here were the top comments in a very spirited discussion about children, timelines, and partnerships.
ProfPlumDidIt
It's time to be blunt.
"I am NOT okay with this and I feel like you're steamrolling me and making decisions that will impact both of us without my consent. The more you push and rush, the more I am becoming sure that I do NOT want this.
Either we hit a hard pause and work through this and maybe go forward in a couple of months, or I am saying it's a hard no for me and pushing ahead despite that will result in divorce."
HappySummerBreeze
“Won’t allow “??
What has happened to skew the power dynamic in so unbalanced a way that you believe you have no personal reproductive rights?
Reset yourself and normalise the fact that it is entirely appropriate to say no.
Tarlack
Stop with the “yet” You are not comfortable full stop. If you were going to get comfortable it would have been easy. Stand up for yourself and tell her no or yes. You know that No will be hell so that why you are pulling the “yet” BS.
Stop kicking the can down the road and deal with the fact your wife wants a baby at any cost. You get on board or get off the train, but it sounds like you will be jumping from a moving train and that is going to suck.
Tk-20
I think the big issue here is that you aren't (and haven't been) communicating your feelings well. Even in your post, you're saying you want time to process, but to process what? Big picture, a few months really isn't that much time and you've already had 2+ years to consider what would happen if IVF doesn't work out.
So, if you're being really honest with yourself.. what is the issue and how do you deal with it?
Telling your wife that "you need time" and then you'll be on board is basically saying that you're okay with this/ you WILL be okay with this. IMO, you should see a counsellor for yourself, hash out what you want and then bring your wife so that you can have a productive conversation as a couple.
allthatssolid
I’m going to take a different, clearly less popular tact here. You keep telling your wife that you need time to process, and you’ve now had three months to do so. So what have you, yourself, actually done to aid in the process of processing?
I’m not trying to overly excuse your wife. She isn’t being sensitive to your feelings. But I would challenge you to assert some agency in this whole process. Have you booked an appointment with a therapist? Sought out support groups?
Really grappled with what you’re feeling and why? Or are you waiting for your wife to do that because emotional labor is typically her job?
KillerKittenInPJs
If you don’t want children under these circumstances you need to say so. If you aren’t ready you need to give a definitive timeline other than this “a few more months” every time it comes up.
I had an ex drag his feet with the “few more months” bullshit for three years. And then my fertility tanked at 40 and I’ll never be able to have biological children because of that.
Risk of miscarriage goes up after 37. Every month you delay the risks go up for miscarriage, birth defects, and other complications.
Gullible-String-4616
What’s 3 more months gonna change? And there’s still a chance in 3 months it will take more time … Are you actively sorting it out or just waiting to be ok with it?
What are your concerns?
Namibia12
I'm sorry to say that every month _does_ matter. You need to decide whether you want to be part of this process, or remove yourself from it so that your wife can find a donor instead. I know this is a hard situation but this is the reality of it.
Odd_Welcome940
Call the IVF facility and tell them you don't consent.
I totally get that your wife feels like a clock is ticking but steamrorlling you into whatever she wants is abuse. She can't force you to have a child however she wishes. So just say no.
Tell her maybe you could have accepted this if you were given both time and someone to talk to about it. Someone to support you and listen. Make it clear her steamrolling you as if your opinion does not matter is why you won't consent at the moment.
Their treatments be damned. If she wants the kid more than she wants a happy husband who wants to be a father to this specific child she can go have it on her own.
If you don't stand up for yourself right now, all that will ever build is resentment and anger. It won't be good for anyone involved.
Burner31805
I’m gonna be honest and say I don’t really think what you’ve offered is really a “compromise,” as your proposal is literally doing nothing but kicking the can down the road. You’ve had months to process this already so what exactly is going to happen in 3 more months that’s suddenly going to make you feel ok?
In reality you’ll probably feel the same way you do now and then what? You just keep asking for more time your wife doesn’t have? It’s clear that your wife desperately wants a child (and given all the steps you’ve taken together to make that happen one would assume you also very badly want one too).
Well guess what? This is one of your only remaining paths to having a child and your wife has almost no time left to waste. The time for waiting and processing has ended and it’s s&*^ or get off the pot time. Go forward with the donor egg or just tell her you’re never going to have kids and (probably) start your divorce proceedings.