'I just left my husband after years of struggle. Am I making the right choice?' UPDATED 3X

"I (27F) just left my husband (32M) after years of struggle, and I need to know if I'm making the right choice."

I’m a first-time poster, and I’d really appreciate your thoughts. I (27F) just left my husband (32M) after over four years together (married for a little over a year), and while part of me knows I did what I had to do, another part of me keeps wondering if I just gave up too soon.

We met when I was 23 and he was 28, working at Walmart — he was my trainer. By the second day, he kissed me after work, and by day three, we were dating. Things moved fast. During our second year together, I was working two jobs to save so we could move in together.

During that time, I developed a pulmonary embolism. It was during the pandemic, so no one could visit me in the hospital. When I got out, he didn’t come to see me — I had to go to him three days later. Around this same time, he also stopped being intimate with me.

Eventually, we moved in together, got a dog, and got engaged. The proposal? He fished a ring out of his pocket on the couch after we finished opening Christmas gifts. Not romantic, but I brushed it off.

Then he lost his job — the second job loss during our relationship, and somehow both times were “not his fault.” He didn’t find another job for a year, and during that time, he bought video games (like Baldur’s Gate 3) while I put our bills on my credit card just to keep us afloat. He still hasn’t helped repay that debt.

During his unemployment, his car died. I went with him and his parents to get a new one, assuming they’d co-sign. Instead, they convinced me to co-sign because I had excellent credit and he had none. I agreed, trying to be supportive.

Eventually, he got another job and things briefly improved — including intimacy — but it didn’t last. He stopped again. I told myself it was depression and tried to be patient.

We got married, but he never consummated the marriage. A year later, we were still financially struggling. Rent was always behind, but we managed. On our honeymoon, I asked if we could at least be intimate once — he agreed — but it never happened. Our first anniversary came and went with nothing changing.

Then I had to get two surgeries on my hip. He took me to the first and helped a little afterward. But for the second, his car got repossessed (even though he told me he’d been paying it), and I found out he hadn’t even taken time off work to help me. I had to scramble and ask a friend last-minute to pick me up. We also nearly got evicted because, again, he wasn’t paying his part of the rent like he said he was.

My parents helped bail him out on the car. Friends loaned us money for rent. Eventually, our friends held an intervention. He admitted he’d been lying and promised to change. I even bought a chore chart to assign him basic household tasks because otherwise, he “forgot.” Things got better for a little while.

But now, I’ve learned he’s behind on the car again — he only just paid off May, and it’s now July. Worse, I found out I’ve been the only one putting money into our shared bills account — and he’s been transferring money out of it into his private account. So not only is he lying and neglecting bills again — he’s stealing from me.

Over the years, I’ve sacrificed so much — emotionally, physically, and financially — to make this relationship work. I’ve communicated with him over and over. Every time, he gets it together for a week, then slips right back. We barely kiss. When I ask to cuddle, he puts the dog between us. We haven’t had sex since before we were married.

He feels more like a roommate than a husband. And now, after lying, withholding affection, financially draining me, and betraying my trust again and again — I’ve finally had enough.

After a long talk with my sister and then my parents, I packed up the dog (whom I pay for and care for) and moved back in with them. I texted him, telling him that our marriage isn’t in a good place and I need space. Since then, all he’s done is text “Goodnight, I love you” every night. No effort. No accountability.

I know what I’d tell anyone else in my position: Leave. You deserve better.

But still, I love him. And part of me feels like I’m just giving up.

It hurts so much. I’m exhausted. Am I making the right decision?

This is what people had to say to OP:

AkediaTDW said:

Yes, you made the right choice and you have to keep making the right choice by never returning to him. Even if you feel you love him, he's not going to improve and when you get into a healthy and complete relationship you'll look back and wonder in amazement how you put up with that much!

You're very young also, so don't waste a single minute on this guy. He had enough chances. Withholding affection would have been enough for me, but the stealing is just way beyond. Run fast, run far and thrive!

OP responded:

Thank you so much, your words really helped ground me. You’re right, he had so many chances, and I kept hoping things would change if I just gave more time, more love, more patience. But reading your comment reminds me that I wasn’t asking for too much, I was accepting far too little. It still hurts, some hours more than others, but I know I’m finally doing what’s best for me.

I want that healthy, complete relationship someday, and I’m realizing now that starts with walking away from someone who never truly showed up for me.

Thank you again. Truly. 💛

CeramicSavage said:

It's ok to be sad but you just made your life exponentially better. He stole from you, did nothing around the house and you never even consummated your marriage. There's nothing to stay for. He's a user.

Congratulations on your new life!

And Skittles-101 said:

First of all, I want to tell you that what you are feeling is valid. Choosing to end any relationship with someone you care about is hard and can be emotionally exhausting.

More importantly though, by removing yourself from the toxic and unhealthy relationship, you are putting yourself first and is of the upmost importance for you right now. If things haven't improved by now, they are unlikely to in the future. Good luck babe.

A few days later, OP later shared this first update:

Found out today that my (soon-to-be-ex) husband made a minimum payment on the car just to avoid repossession on the first of the month, and then told the loan company he couldn’t cover the full amount because I was "between jobs."

For the record: I’m not between jobs. I gave two weeks' notice last month to start a new, better-paying position with benefits. I’ve been working full time this entire time — and I’m also a full-time student.

So not only is he still lying, but he’s trying to use me as an excuse for his financial irresponsibility. Just more confirmation that walking away was the right choice.

I met with him in a public place on Sunday, and my parents came with me for support. From the start, he was aggressive and defensive. He took zero accountability, every concern I raised was met with an excuse. He lied about what he told the car company (claimed he didn’t say I was between jobs, but just that I’d started a new one).

He couldn’t explain where his money was going, only said he spent “his own” money on gotcha games, which… doesn’t fly when you’re months behind on bills.

He insisted he was only one month behind on his car, even though the actual amount owed is close to $1,000. He got upset that I hadn’t reached out since leaving, and said only one person had checked on him to “see if I ran into traffic.” He framed everything like I was abandoning him at the first sign of trouble, despite me staying through years of financial chaos, lies, and neglect.

He even told my mom I’d never suggested couples therapy, when I’ve brought it up multiple times over the past year and he brushed it off every time. His tone shifted from hostile to wounded when speaking to my parents, clearly trying to manipulate the narrative.

Bottom line: he took no ownership, twisted the truth, and tried to guilt me into coming back. I think he expected to bully or emotionally manipulate me—but that’s not going to work anymore. I saw it all clearly. I’m done.

A week later, OP shared this second update:

So… he sent me a text last night. The kind that tries to sound romantic and selfless but just ends up confirming everything I already knew. He called me his best friend. Said I make him happier than anything else in the world. Promised he’d go to therapy and “live off ramen and bread” if that’s what it takes. And then ended it with this gem:

“You told me damn near every day that I’m stuck with you, well guess what? You’re stuck with me too, and you know damn sure I’m impossible to get rid of and too annoying to drown out.”

…I’m sorry, what? That’s not love. That’s a red flag gift-wrapped in cling wrap and desperation. That line didn’t feel cute. It felt threatening. Like “you’ll never escape me” wrapped in a passive-aggressive joke. It honestly gave me chills, and not in the way he was hoping for.

Let’s be real: he ignored every plea for couples therapy while we were still together. He downplayed my concerns, made excuses, brushed it all off. But now that I’ve finally drawn a boundary and walked away? Now he’s ready to try? Of course he is — he lost control. That text wasn’t about love. It was about regaining power.

I felt so many things reading that message: anger, grief, a little bit of fear… but mostly, relief. Because if I had any lingering doubt in my heart (and trust me, I’m human, I did), that message slammed the door shut. This isn’t love. This isn’t partnership. This is someone who didn’t care until I stopped playing the role that made his life easier.

So no, I’m not “stuck” with him. I’m free. And the only thing I’m stuck with now is the peace of knowing I made the right damn call.

OP then shared this third update:

Well... buckle up. It’s update time, and the delusion is at an all-time high. So, I met with a lawyer… And thank the universe, she said my case is super straightforward. I can file immediately. The only shared assets? The car and the apartment.

Oh, and the car? That got repossessed.
(Plot twist: His parents think they paid to get it back. They didn’t. My parents paid to get it out a week before his even sent him money. So yeah.)

Anyway — the lawyer says the court will likely order him to refinance the car into his name. If he can’t afford it (and let’s be real — he can’t), I’ll have the option to refinance it myself and keep it.

Now onto the apartment…

This is where things got messy.

I contacted the electric company and told them to remove my name from the account by a specific date if he doesn’t put it in his own name. I also had the leasing office send him the roommate release forms so I can legally remove myself from the lease.

But here’s the kicker: If he doesn’t sign them, the ONLY way I can be released from the lease is with a PROTECTIVE ORDER. Let that sink in. I’ve left, emotionally, physically, mentally, but I’m still legally and financially tethered to this man unless he cooperates or I escalate legally.

Enter: His Sister™

After I got the ball rolling, his sister started texting me. At first it was just casual “What’s going on?” stuff. Clearly, he hadn’t told her anything.

Then it shifted to: “You’re giving up too easily.” “Marriage is hard.” “He’s trying and just wants to work it out.”

Girl. Please.

She even said she’s probably taking him out of state to live with her hours away, which is especially concerning because:

If he leaves before being served, it could complicate the whole divorce process.

I’ll still be on the hook for the apartment and shared debts if he skips town.

And she had the audacity to ask if I’d help him with August bills so “he can close things out easier.”

No, ma’am. He tanked my credit. My parents got his car back.
He can use the money he stole from me to pay his own damn bills.

Then HE texted me… Cue the emotional manipulation: I’m “running away” because things “got hard.” I “never even tried.” “We were happy.” And wait for it, he compared our marriage to me “getting frustrated at video games when they don’t go my way.” ...Sir.

So no, I didn’t “give up.”
I gave EVERYTHING — until there was nothing left of me.
And he only started caring once I left.

This process has been exhausting. But also? Freeing.
Every day I’m away from him, I feel a little more like me again. No more being the doormat. No more putting everyone else first. I’m choosing me now.

Catch y’all on the other side of this paperwork ✌️💅