'AITA for thinking about leaving my fiancé because of his sister?' UPDATED
"AITA for thinking about leaving my fiancé because of his sister?"
morepeasplz828
My (24F) fiancé (25M) have been together for 4 years now. We got engaged a few months ago, and I'm moving away for work next month. Fiancé has a 14 year old sister, she's the youngest of 4 siblings, and lately I just find myself so angry at her and everything that I'm contemplating on leaving.
We've been together for 4 years, she used to be the sweetest kid we knew. She loved anything kpop, so I used to talk to her about that and I got her light sticks for yearly presents. One day, after a year, she just flipped the switch on us. She became this bitter, passive aggressive person that acts like a jealous gf whenever I'm around:
I invited all the siblings to go shopping. She said no. The next day as everyone was getting ready to go, she invited herself onto my car, not a word to me or my fiancé. She just went and sat on my car and refused to get off. My fiancé didn't say anything and we just dealt with it.
At the shopping mall, she kept on squeezing herself between me and my fiancé whenever we held hands. It was a miracle to hold hands for more than 15 minutes because she kept on cutting us off. Whenever he's not looking, she'd position herself between us and pushed me to the back of the line. My fiancé didn't say anything and we just dealt with it.
I went on a fam road trip with my fiancé a few months ago. I couldn't sleep in moving cars well so I was awake while my fiancé slept. I saw her staring at us the entire time and she even counted how many times my fiancé was slipping in and out of sleep. How do I know that? Because she told us all "J was falling asleep 15 times and awake for 10min."
Whenever we sit on a couch, she'd sit on the armrest where my fiancé is instead of another chair, if I ever go to the bathroom, consider my seat permanently gone. He didn't say anything and we just dealt with it. All the pushing, glaring, stomping, squeezing, cutting, slamming has been happening continuously for the past 2.5 years and it's still happening.
I did talk to him a lot about how behaviors remind me of a jealous gf trying to win her man back, and how I'm not ok with these cat fights for the past years. He said he spoke to his mom and they tried to correct her behavior, but the sis just stomped away and slammed her bedroom door.
This week his fam planned a Vegas trip to celebrate his mom. I decided to stay home because the last time we went on a trip, I got so upset about no one doing anything about the sister's behavior and I kept on feeling like I got stepped on. I thought staying home this time would be the solution, but now that I'm alone, I kept thinking...do I want this for the rest of my life?
I love the guy, I do, but I'm so furious that I keep on getting the short end of the stick. Either I get disrepsect to my his sister, and no one does anything because everyone is afraid of her tantrums, or I get left out.
All I know is this isn't the family dynamic I'd want for my future if I marry this guy. They said she can't change who she is. I agree. But I also argue that they can at least teach her not to treat me like I'm the "other woman," or just stop pushing me, especially after I helped his family buy a new car.
Now i'm just so frustrated. I don't know if I want to transfer the title of the car over to his fam, knowing that she wasn't corrected from pushing me. I knew I couldn't change her and she wasn't the one I'm marrying, so I just stayed away from her. Now im thinking... is this going to be for the rest of my life?? Just staying home, staying out, if I show up I get pushed.
My fiancé's brother said that he never bothered bringing his gf home because of this sister. Then why do I have to deal with it? After helping them purchase a car? Is it even worth it.
Maybe I'm hormonal..I just feel so angry... after my SO come back from this family trip that I'm left out of, they're gonna ask me to take time off my day to go to DMV to transfer title for the car. Is staying with this family even worth it? I'm moving away internationally in 3 weeks. What do I even do with this car I stupidly purchased?
Whenever I voice my frustration, all I get is "yeah she's a b, f her, you're better baby, I love you" and nothing is ever done about it. All I know is I don't want to be treated like the other woman for the rest of my life if I marry into this family...
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
luvvsavah
NTA but I think the sister is going through a pick me phase tbh but no front against her :P
Pokeynono
That , or there is something else going on at home, or school. Teenagers can be painful. They are hormonal , their brains are being rewired and some drane is to be expected. This has been ongoing since she was 12. It's described as a complete change of personality. Being bullied or developing mental health issues can also be reasons for this behaviour.
This is something her parents should be looking itto and dealing with. Her brother should be drawing some boundaries and telling her he loves her but it's not cool to be mean to his GF.
Wonderful-Set6647
NTA they are using you for what you are giving the. If they can afford a trip to Vegas they can afford their one damn car!
Beneficial_Syrup_869
Maybe have a conversation with him when they return: I am uncomfortable around your sister and I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. Then with his mom too and say the sister needs some counseling (individual and/or family) otherwise you’re out the door with their car, put a deadline on it too.
Sounds like she’s realizing that her brother will be your husband and maybe she fears she’ll lose a relationship with him. Talking it through with a counselor would be good!
Material_Cellist4133
NTA. I would have left after the first 6 months of this happening. Also, I call BS on you can’t change. She is freaking 14 years old. She can change - but she is being raised as a brat that isn’t learning boundaries. Lack of parenting is a proper excuse not that she can’t change. Marry yourself into a family that respects you enough to not put you through this crap.
The OP then returned after reading the comments and advice:
First of all, thank you all for messaging and commenting. I read through all the comments and saw you guys asking if I ever called her out in public, the answer is yes. When the shopping incident happened and she refused to get out my car, SO told her out loud in front of all the siblings to behave if she's coming, otherwise she cant join us again.
She didn't respond at all and just went on her phone. Thinking back, I'm pretty sure her pushing me to the back of the line at the mall was her retaliating. She only stopped when SO turned around; she'd never do it in front of him.
We stopped hanging out with her without her parents present again. That was when I told him to tell his mom to help. We're not her parents and it can't go on like this. He did tell his mom and I did hear the mom correcting her.
What happened next was her acting suuuppper friendly when mom is around. Then she went back to disrespecting me when mom was out of the room. She went as far as putting her hand on my shoulders in front of mom. I was so surprised I flinched at her touch. After mom went in, she reverted back to pushing and cutting between us.
I can see now the problem is SO not setting boundaries for so long that my frustration is deep rooted. Usually I'm not so unreasonable that staying home from a trip makes me write a long reddit post, but they all knew I was moving and time is just more important to me now. So I'll find better ways to spend it.
As for the car, it was an agreement that I purchase my company car for the fam and they pay me back. As mad as I am, it was an agreement. The car just shows me that, no matter how much I do for the fam, maybe this is the best they could be.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this additional information:
Similar_Corner8081
NTA. If it’s been like this for 4 years then I would end the relationship and move on. No conversation is going to change the way his sister behaves. He doesn’t have a spine and honestly they waited to late. The first time his sister acted like that is when boundaries should have been set and consequences laid out.
buffywannabe13
Nta, I’m highly concerned about what would happen if you got pregnant and what she would do to baby after birth.
Ignantsage
NTA. As long as they are paying for the car I’d still title it over to them AFTER receiving the money. As far as leaving him you are applying some rationality to this. I don’t see it as an ultimatum to tell someone you are approaching a breaking point and that they will lose you if things don’t change. Some people need a kick in the rear to correct things. That being said it may not be worth it.
Seeker131313
Take the car back or sell it. The family is just using you, and when you leave the country, you'll also be leaving the relationship, from the sounds of it.
ConsitutionalHistory
NTA: Sorry to tell you this but little sister is not your problem...it's your fiance's lack of spine. This is his sister, therefore, it's on HIM to set and maintain boundaries. Something he has clearly failed to do.
And if not with his little sister, how does he manage her and the rest of his family after marriage, worse yet...CHILDREN? Sounds like the two of you need to have some serious conversations and perhaps some per-marriage counseling. Sell the car to re-coup some of your money.
How long will the two of you be apart for your international job? Maybe take this time away from one another for some candid and sober reflection on what he's willing to man up to and/or what you're willing to tolerate?