'AITA for making my boyfriend skip his niece's birthday party and only drop off a gift?'
"AITA for making my boyfriend skip his niece's birthday party and only drop off a gift?"
The_H2hoe
(For context: me: F22, his sister-in-law: F52, his sister: F30.) My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. His family is very bad at planning parties or any events really. They wait until the last minute for everything! So I try to give them some leeway. This time was just different.
Last week my boyfriend and I got invited to one of his family member's (sister in-law's adopted brother's, so not his immediate family) baby showers. I said, “Sure yeah that’s fine let’s totally go. What day is it on?” He finds out that his sister-in-law planned the baby shower to be on the same day as my birthday.
So, I’m already a little upset about this because I feel like my boyfriend will not spend my birthday with me. Especially after he said we’d do something special.
Well, eventually they said there was issue for Saturday so they just moved it to Sunday. At this point, I thought I was going to get to finally celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend and do something special.
Well, it is a week before my birthday now and his sister decided to plan a birthday event for his niece out of the blue. (For context, the niece's birthday was on July 15th and my birthday is this Saturday. So around 2 months later.)
My boyfriend’s sister waited about two months to even plan their birthday. Which, to me, is already way too late. They just kept canceling it and never planned anything. Well, my boyfriend made sure to let his family know that Saturday is my birthday (again…)
His sister said that she would try to find another day but instead insist that she have the niece's birthday on Saturday at the exact time that my boyfriend and I had made plans. But now we’re going to his niece's birthday party instead of doing anything for mine. He didn’t ask if I was okay with it or anything.
His sister-in-law has talked sh*t about me when she thought I was sleeping or in general several times, she now only offers everyone else food and drinks and skips only me when we go over. I feel as though she is actively trying to make it known that she hates me.
Today I told my boyfriend we are skipping his niece's party or we are officially done. His family does things like this intentionally all the time. I told him we can drop a gift off and that was it!
But am I wrong for refusing to attend any family events for his family and refusing to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them? AITA for making my boyfriend skip his niece's birthday party?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ducky818
NTA but you have a bf problem. Their last minute planning does not require you to cancel already made plans. You need not be at their beck and call. Unfortunately, they call and your bf goes running.
Aftran_942
If your boyfriend is okay with it, then don't worry about it. If he isn't... there's a conversation to be had about his family and how you guys work together to make sure you feel valued.
MousingJoke
INFO: What I really want to know is what your BF says about all of this, this skipping, his family's weird behavior towards you, the badmouthing, their bad planning etc.. ?
The OP responded here:
The_H2hoe
He said he didn’t notice the behaviors (offering water to everyone but me etc.) which I find hard to believe since he’s always sitting beside me. He at first seemed okay to skip certain things but typically he just asked if he can just go then. The bad mouthing nothing tbh. He said “she was just saying the truth not sh*t talking”
thesweeterpeter
Info needed! I know this sounds silly, but how many niece's does he have and what age did this one turn back in July? It shouldn't matter, but in this situation, I think it does.
The OP again responded:
The_H2hoe
This one turned 10 and he has 4 in total. One nephew and 2 other nieces under 2.
minuialear
NTA about the birthday but you would be TA if you make him stay home with you for other events, and you're mildly an AH if you refuse all events just because of this incident.
Them planning a birthday party two months late that just happens to hit your birthday is obviously not a mistake so I get being mad and I get needing your bf to back you in not going rather than rewarding behavior that is obviously targeted and meant to rile you. In general I get wanting him to agree not to go to events that they plan mad late and which conflict with plans you already have.
If you're already celebrating your birthday and they plan an event that day, "Sorry can't come" should be an automatic no-brainer response to their invite. If you make plans to visit your family for one of the holidays and they suddenly decide they want to host the same holiday, "Sorry can't make it" should again be a no-brainer response.
But if you're planning to be home for Halloween anyway and the day before they invite you to a Halloween party? Idk, as long as SiL behaves herself during the party I feel like you can attend in solidarity with your bf, who loves his sister and her daughter, for an hour or two and then go do something else.
WinginVegas
NTA and why the hell are you putting up with this from his family for 5 years and possibly for the future? He doesn't stand up for you and sounds like his family doesn't care one way or the other. The crap with the SIL where he says "she is just saying the truth" so he agrees with her comments about you? I get it has been 5 years but time to cut and run.
HeirOfRavenclaw
ESH. Boyfriend for obvious reasons, but you for putting an ultimatum on your relationship over your birthday lol. 22 going on 12. Happy early birthday tho!