'AITA for making my fiancée drop her friends before our wedding?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for making my fiancée drop her friends before our wedding?"
i_eat_potatoes23
I (24F) and my fiancée (24F) have been planning our wedding for 2 years. Her friends never liked me. In fact, they have “pranked” me by stealing my car for 3 days and filling it with packing peanuts and dropping it off outside mine and my fiancée’s apartment.
Today my fiancée was talking about her friends and I said what I thought about them. She told me they are planning something for the wedding that we will love but they won’t tell us what it is.
Knowing them it’s insane and will ruin the whole day. I told her to tell them not to but she said they won’t budge. I said they are uninvited then because we can’t have that stress on our wedding.
My fiancée told me that she wasn’t going to uninvite them because whatever it is will be fine and that I’m over dramatic. We got into a fight and I ended up saying, “If you don’t drop them as friends we can call off the wedding because I'm not marrying someone who associates themselves with the kind of people who steal cars for “pranks”.
She said I was being unreasonable and that she has known them since middle school. I said I didn’t care and that it’s either them or me and I stormed out. I have been living in my parents house and they think I’m being unreasonable so please tell me am I wrong for telling my fiancée to choose her friends or me?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
FapplePus
She already chose.
PermanentUN
Just call off the wedding.
DoWnOnThEpHaRmBoI
Not the a-hole, with a but. In the two years that you were planning this wedding you must have known that these friends weren't going anywhere and you weighed the reasons that you wanted to marry her against that fact and chose to marry her.
Nonetheless she has chosen her friends over you now if you marry her without accepting this fact I don't think you're going to be happy at all and it will be the cause of lots and lots of arguing, It's your wedding too. She's disrespecting your feelings on the most important day of your life it doesn't seem like you are very important to her I would think about this.
_Questionable_Ideas_
Why would you want a wife who wouldn't even stand up for you against her friends? Who needs enemies when you have a wife like that. If this was an occasional slight sure let it go but things have escalated to grand theft auto.
tmink0220
The only children that like pranks are those who do them. She is too young to marry, and her friends will follow with her. I would rethink marriage. Their family and their friends tell you alot about them.
The next day, the OP returned with an update:
i_eat_potatoes23
So, I talked to my fiancée. For the sake of time let’s call her M. I met M for coffee so that we could talk. This happened a few hours ago and honestly I don’t know what to do or where I stand.
We met up around 9AM. I arrived about 20 minueted before she did. She sat down and we talked. About an hour went by. I told her that I felt hurt that she has prioritised her friends over me. Especially before our wedding.
I told her about the car theft “prank” and how it affected me mentally and regarding my job when I was forced to be late because of this. I have brought this up before and her face looked as if she was just bored.
I told her this really affected me and I don’t appreciate her not taking me seriously. She rolled her eyes and told me I was being melodramatic and that her friends are more supportive than I will ever be and that is why she doesn’t prioritise me.
I told her I have supported her when she lost her job, when she was kicked out by her parents, when her phone, keys and wallet were stolen by her own sister and so many other times. She brushed me off, saying that I shouldn’t be listing these off as if she owed me.
I never meant to do that and I apologised and expressed I just want her to be there for me. She said “I am. Always. You’re not who I thought you were, asking me to do everything for you like you’re useless. Honestly, it’s pathetic”.
I finally snapped and told her “You are a vile person. Cancel the venue. You don’t deserve a wedding after everything you have done and condoned. Goodbye M”. I walked out and called her telling her I would be back in the morning to grab my things and the ring. What do I do now? I feel lost.
Edit: I have seen your comments and once I am in a good place and settled I will give a final update. Thank you for the support. I appreciate all of you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
JeanPolleketje
OMG, you really dodged a bullet there, mate. Go NC and start your healing journey. Take at least 1 friend with you when picking up your stuff.
Osidestarfish
Yes, do not go alone.
xanif
Now you move on with your life and find someone who will actually appreciate you.
i_eat_potatoes23 OP responded:
Thank you everyone. I am seeing about removing my name from the lease and am now looking for accommodation and a friend I can bring to collect my belongings. I am going to take a break from dating for a while and focus on myself. Love you all ❤️
HilMickaelson
I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself and stopping her from using and disrespecting you. She already chose her friends and was just gaslighting you. If both your names are on the lease, talk to your landlord about removing your name, even if it means paying a penalty.
If the house is only in your name, you need to kick her out and change the locks (you might need to give her an eviction notice). After that, block her contact and move on because you deserve so much better than her. Don't go alone to get your belongings. Take some friends with you, because your ex's friends might be there, and you don't know if they'll try to do something to you.
Also, record everything while you're there so that she doesn't accuse you of stealing anything. Take back everything that is yours, even if you don't want to keep it. She already stole years of your life and your money; don't let her take more from you.
The next day, the OP again returned with a second update:
i_eat_potatoes23
So, I went back to get my stuff from mine and M’s old house. I had a policeman come with me just in case anything happened. I am so lucky I did that because the whole place was trashed. My stuff was everywhere.
What was once my home was now unrecognisable. The living room TV was smashed. Everything from the kitchen had been thrown into the floor and half of my things were missing. I tried to gather everything I could and leave but when I was going to the car there was spray paint on the side saying “F you”.
I saw M’s car drive away. I filed a police report and am now trying to move on with my life and enjoy being my own person with my friends and family. Thank you everyone for your advice I have no idea what would have happened if I didn’t post this originally. Thank you all.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
2geeks
Dang. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience this. I hope you can get sorted soon and move on from this in a healthy way. I would consider speaking with a counsellor about what you have experienced during this relationship, as it seems they were very toxic for quite some time. You deserve far better, and I’m sure you will find it when you’re ready to. Take care, OP.
4_feck_sake
So your ex fiancée was as demented as her friends. They deserve all that kharma has to offer. I guess you know why her family kicked her out. Make sure you take her to the cleaners for all the damaged, stolen property, lost deposits, etc. Keep emotional distance bit don't let her away with it. I'm sure her "friends" will help her out financially.
Also, make sure to claim back any deposits from wedding arrangements. You really dodged a bullet.Be prepared for backlash aswell. These types won't be satisfied with what they've done, your car could go walkies again. Set up cameras around wherever you're staying. Updateme!
First_Alfalfa2805
My goodness,she's frigging unhinged. The fact that she is immature as crap and she could see no wrong in what her friends have been doing. Her friends are more important to her than her fiance, so she shouldn't be out having fun with her friends rather than vandalizing OP's place. Updateme!
Expression-Little
Good for you. Some destroyed property is money but your peace of mind and happiness is priceless.