Man accused by partner of 'lying' about food allergy when he fails 'abusive' test. AITA? UPDATED.
When this man is accused by his partner of lying about his allergy, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for "lying" about my food allergy?"
I (M, late 30s) have an allergy to fin fish that is non-deadly but serious and uncomfortable. My allergy is not in question. I have been allergic to fish since I was a toddler.
My partner (also M, also late 30s) loves fin fish. He could eat it every day if he could. In some cases, I CAN apparently eat fin fish -- specifically, canned tuna. I don't know why or how. Don't ask.
The canning process probable changes... something. Who knows. My partner knows about my fin fish allergy and my ability to eat canned tuna. Everyone in our shared lives know about my fin fish allergy and my ability to eat canned tuna.
My fin fish allergy and my ability to eat canned tuna is common knowledge and a fact of life.
A few weeks ago we eat at a restaurant that we've eaten at before. The server advises that one of the items which I order -- which I've had versions of before at different restaurants -- "has anchovies in it."
Some non-deadly allergy sufferers will understand here: sometimes you brush this warning off at restaurants because you know the server and the restaurant say these things merely to cover their asses so that the onus is back on you, the patron.
I decided to brush off the warning, as I've had the same dish at different restaurants before without any noticeable reaction. (Maybe my allergy to anchovies is similar to my allergy to tuna, in some way). We order the food. I eat it. It's good. No problem.
Last week, my partner and I are at his place making a delicious tomato-based pasta sauce. I let the sauce simmer for about 20 minutes and excuse myself from the kitchen to help out with some housework.
During this time, my partner apparently covertly emptied a whole small tin of anchovies into the sauce without telling me to test his theory that my allergy, specifically to anchovies, wasn't real. He only revealed this tonight over a conversation with friends.
VERY, VERY luckily, I did not have a noticeable reaction. During this conversation with our friends, he took particular glee in proving how 'my allergy was wrong' (paraphrased).
And by "glee", I mean sing-songy voice, childish dancing around the table, and fishing out the emptied tin out of the recycling bin outside and showing it to me to prove his point.
So, he did something I did not consent to that could have resulted in an allergic reaction, however major or minor. I felt violated. I felt that he broke my trust. I felt hurt.
When our friends left, I told him this and his response was that "I lied to him" about my allergy when I told the server at that restaurant a few weeks ago that I had a fin fish allergy. And by doing so, I was in the wrong. Apparently I'M the bad guy, which feels like a major deflection of wrongdoing, if you ask me.
The fact that he didn't understand that his actions hurt me and made me felt violated is bonkers to me. He got angry at me and I left for the night. I'm trying to make sense of all of this. AITA in all of this?
Let's see what readers thought.
pandaland347 writes:
NTA. He doesn't get to test his theories on your allergy without your consent like a lab rat. He was essentially willing to potentially risk your life or hospitalisation on him thinking he's right, without your consent... and then when it LUCKILY didn't result in such... gloated like a gleeful child. Let that really sink in.
craftygarden writes:
NTA what your partner did was potentially dangerous. Allergies are not something you f around with. If someone says they are allergic to something you take them at their word and avoid feeding them those things.
He is not a doctor, he is not some mad scientist residing in a dark basement testing on rats. He poisoned your food for shits and giggles to prove his point.
This would 100% be a deal breaker for me, he broke your trust in a horrible way. He decided to play Russian roulette with your health and he was gleeful about it.
cakerabbit writes:
NTA. He was totally fine with making you sick. Instead of adressing something privatly, he shamed/humiliated you infront of friends. When told he deeply hurt your feelings, he didn't care a lot. While 3 is maybe grounds for discussion because it is an assumption on my part, 1 and 2 are in the story.
Personally this relationship would be over. I would be fucking destroyed losing my partner over something so pointless but at the same time- how recover from this? Not just the test but also airing dirty laundry infront of friends and seeing no wrong doing?
Then, OP provides this update:
UPDATE (sort of):
This has been a very cathartic experience. Thank you, everyone, for your comments. I'm frankly still processing everything. It's nice to hear there is some sort of solidarity among food allergy sufferers, even outside of the context of this wild situation I'm in.
The big theme I'm picking up on is that allergies are weird and personal and different for everyone, and when someone tells you in good faith that they have one, you should just take their word for it and act accordingly.
My partner and I have been together for years, so it's not quite as simple as just ditching him; though, the signs have been there through the years and maybe now is as good a time as any. This is something I need to ruminate on a bit more.
Again, I extend a sincere thanks to each and every one of you for your guidance and support.