Man asked to pay all bills in partner's parent-funded house; 'I'm not your roommate.' AITA?
"AITA for questioning why my boyfriend is asking me for rent?"
IndividualBed1363
Obligatory 'throwaway account' warning. My boyfriend (27M) and I (32M) are due to be moving into a house that he is in the process of buying. He is a cash buyer, paying for the house in full using parents money, with no mortgage obligation.
In a conversation we were having this weekend, he said that we wanted me to feel as though it was my house too, something that we were doing together, and feel as though I was able to contribute; I replied that of course I was very happy to contribute to the fair share of the bills, and that it would be great to start our life together.
At this point, he said he was worried that I had misunderstood, and felt that he should be clear. He then suggested that he wants me to cover his share of the bills, and not just contribute my portion, in place of a 'rent' for living there, and so that he has to incur close-to-zero outgoings himself.
I questioned why we couldn't just enter the house as equals, paying an equal share of the costs incurred as a result of living there: asking why I should 'pay his way,' and stated that I was uncomfortable in the power imbalance this would create, and that I would feel like I was 'renting off my boyfriend' and that he was trying to 'make money from me.'
He questioned why his parents money should cover the cost of my "rent," and claimed that I would be saving a great deal more money than if I was living in private rented accommodation (as I am now), which although is true, doesn't feel like a particularly nice position to be in, because as far as I see it, there isn't any "rent" to pay?
At this point it was insinuated that I would be 'freeloader' if I didn't. This argument/conversation went round and round, where neither of us could seemingly understand the others position, and ended with me feeling as though perhaps I was asking too much, and that I was trying to freeload off my boyfriend.. so tell me, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
ParsimoniousSalad
NAH. Both your positions are valid. I'd say compromise in the middle. He would still have bills if he lived alone, so asking you to cover everything is demanding to live off you (and his parents' money).
But you would also be paying more with rent/mortgage if it weren't for his parents' having bought the house, so you should contribute a bit more than half the bills going forwards. Also, are you ever going to be considered a part-owner in the home? That would matter too.
no_one_you_know1
NTA. I don't like him. And I would be careful because he's clearly viewing you as a roommate and not a significant other.
Emotional_Bonus_934
NTA. Don't move in with him. It's reasonable to pay a market rate rent for a room with a lease or to pay half the utilities. It's unreasonable for him to expect to mooch his share of the utilities. I cannot stress more highly, do not move in with him.
celticmusebooks
Sorry but what he's asking is entirely reasonable. Why do you expect to live rent free on his parent's dime? Each of you need to bring something of value to the table.
He's bringing YOU free housing and you would be bringing him free utilities. Unless your country has ridiculously expensive utilities that's equal -- and if you're in the US where utilities are far less than housing you'll actually come out ahead.
Do a few minutes of research and get the range for a typical rental in your area. Go for the low end and divide by 2. Get an estimate of monthly utilities for the new home.
If it's the same or less than half the rental number then offer to pay the utilities. Do make it clear than any home repairs, improvements, taxes, association fees or home maintenance and insurance are all on his dime.
I'd also run those numbers against what you'll pay if you continue living on your own or with a roommate. Again, I suspect you'll come out ahead. I HIGHLY advise taking the difference between the amount you'd pay on your own vs just paying the utilities and putting it into a good stock index mutual fund.
anxiietydreams
This is a kind of a tricky one but I’d kind of lean towards YTA. He’s not asking you to pay $2k rent a month. But my final answer is ESH. I think it’s entitled of you to not want to help out with bills considering you wouldn’t be paying rent, but it’s also kind of entitled of him to have you pay for everything going forward. I’ll prob be downvoted for this take but just my opinion.
sbinjax
NTA. The house is his and there is no mortgage payment. So if the house is "yours" as well, no rent. Any modification or maintenance of the house that stays with the house, like a roof, is his responsibility. If he's actually looking for a roommate, that scenario changes. But that's not how you presented it.
Utilities, groceries, and other consumables should be split according to income. If he makes $100,000 and you make $50,000, he pays 66.6% of bills and you pay 33.4%. I'd think very carefully about your own financial health while (or if) you're living with this guy. He sounds like a jerk to me.
mmmexperimental
NTA You understand that he wants a free moocher ride from you and his parents. Do it and regret it. This guy is a red flag city and if you want a happy life then dump him!
prairiemountainzen
Wow, your boyfriend is super greedy and manipulative. He is showing you his true colors and you should definitely pay attention to this. NTA.