Man tells girlfriend to participate in sexist family tradition, 'or else.' AITA?
Family traditions are often pretty set in stone.
It is one of those things that, as a family, people tend to just not question. It feels normal. So, when one man brought his girlfriend to a traditional family gathering, he was surprised to realize how sexist their tradition was. However, he said there was nothing he could do and told his girlfriend to comply. Now, he's wondering if he should have seen everything more objectively.
'AITA for begging my girlfriend to uphold a sexist tradition just so she can make a good first impression?'
I have a big family that’s incredibly close. We have big family dinners every few months where we all meet at my great grand fathers estate and eat together. Typically how this works is that the women go cook for the time they’re there and the men don’t.
Which I am fully aware it’s sexist as hell. That being said I am one of the youngest people in family and my protests mean literally nothing.
Some of those women choose not to cook, however this is usually met with a level of ostracizing. The women who don’t cook are wives and long term girlfriends. So they kinda already have a good family relationship doctored in.
When I have seen new partners not cook, it’s gone bad. Like completely ostracized, not speaking, cattiness, rudeness etc.
This dinner will be in two weeks and my girlfriend was asked if she would attend. Initially she said yes, which is great. I want for her to meet everyone and for everyone to get used to her being around, but when I explained to her the tradition she was understandably bothered.
I told her that I understood where she was coming from, however it was best for everyone if she just played along. I told her this isn’t a permanent thing and that I am only asking her to do this so that she can avoid bad treatment from the rest of the family. This is her first impression and I don’t think it’s best if we cause waves.
She told me that it’s unacceptable and that if she has to do that she will not be going. I’ve tried to find a compromise with her on this but she won’t budge and she’s pissed at me. She told me that if I think it’s acceptable to make her do this I’m just as bad as everyone else, while my point is that she needs to make a good first impression.
AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
YTA. 'Why won't my gf abandon her sense of self-respect so that she can establish herself as a subservient woman-tool so that my sexist family won't mentally and verbally abuse her?! She just doesn't get it!!'
'Why is my gf mad that my family expects her to cook for them after inviting her to dinner as a guest?'
Protests are meaningless my a**. You know what OP could do? March into the f*cking kitchen himself and help! And if they tell him to go back, insist on helping! Break the barrier himself and implicitly shame the other men who haven’t!
That’s how a similar horrible dynamic broke in my family. When I was a kid, I noticed only the women prepped food and cleaned up, so I challenged my brother and father to help. My aunt cleared my plate for me with a passive aggressive comment, and I was so distressed that my father has gotten up to help every year since then, and so has my brother. These ‘traditions’ aren’t set in stone.
So, I'm a woman and my family is like this. When my boyfriend (now husband) started coming around, it drove him crazy. He would start doing things like this.
My best recommendation to you is to take your girlfriend to the kitchen, have her sit down and chat with your family, and YOU do some dishes or food prep work. That way she is not trying to socialize without you, her safe person, being around. And her 'share' (although she should NOT have a share of the work!) is being covered by YOU.
I can't believe you have to have it spelled out for you like this, but - YTA if you ditch her in the kitchen to work with strangers while you wander away to go shoot the sh*t with your male relatives without a care in the world!
'She told me that if I think it’s acceptable to make her do this I’m just as bad as everyone else, while my point is that she needs to make a good first impression.'
YTA. What about your family making a good first impression on HER and not expecting her to be an unpaid cook and servant?