'AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend after she rejected my proposal twice?'
"AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend after she rejected my proposal twice?"
Sierra and I have been dating for 4 years. I absolutely love her and felt like she was my soulmate. I knew I wanted to propose 2 years into dating, but decided to wait one more year so that I could get in a better situation financially.
Last year, I proposed. It was a private proposal on the beach where we went on our first date. She looked at me and said, I want to marry you, but not right now. She said she wasn’t in the right space personally to get engaged and to give her some time. That stung, but I was ok with it. After all, I put off proposing so I can be in a good position, it’s only fair I give her the chance.
It’s been a year since then and I decided to propose again. This time I asked our friends to help me set it up because I wanted to do something nicer. We orchestrated a nice dinner and a proposal in front of a nice fountain in the city’s botanical garden.
Everything was ready, dinner went great, and we went to the fountain. She saw the roses and everything and then I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. She teared up and told me “not just yet.” This stung really bad. I knew I wanted her in my life forever, but this is the second time she turned me down.
I asked her why, and she told me the same thing as last year. I asked her if someone was holding her back, maybe family or friend, and she just said “I just want to make sure that this will work.”
This hurt me more than the 2 rejections. I told her if after 4 years she isn’t sure, then what the hell will make her sure. She asked me to give her time and I told her no. I told her that I’m not gonna keep wasting my time and love if she’s gonna keep saying no.
I told her that I can’t do this anymore. She began begging me not to leave and said “fine, I’ll marry you, just please don’t go.” That made me mad, but i didn’t say anything. I left.
My phone has been blowing up with some of our friends, her parents, and her telling me that I’m “an a&$hole for throwing away a 4 year relationship because she said no, and that I was being a big baby. She just needs some time.” The other half of our friends aren’t on my side, but they’re not on hers either.
I don’t think I’m an a@%hole for this. Did I overreact? Am I an a*@hole? If so, how much more time am I supposed to give her?
Info from OP:
We are both 29 years old
The second proposal wasn’t done in front of my friends. They just helped me plan it and stuff. It was just her and I.
We had discussed marriage shortly before I proposed the first time. She was into it and even told me that she couldn’t see herself with anyone else. She seemed eager about the idea of marriage which is why I was shocked the first time and then angry the second time.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You read it right. If someone says no and only when you show a willingness to walk away says "Fine I'll do it" that is not the one you want to have say yes. Heal up and move on. You were never quite what you wished she saw you as. Oh, and learn the lesson. Do not do a public proposal.
Not after getting rejected once. Not even if it's the first time. Not unless you talked about it in advance and you know she's going to say yes.
exiledbyfamily OP responded:
The second proposal wasn’t public. Our friends helped us set it up, but it was just her and I. I never liked the idea of public proposals as I wouldn’t want someone to say no and have everyone stare at me after.
Info: did you talk about marriage? Did you ask last time about her feelings about it? Did you talk to her about her feelings toward the subject after some time had passed before the second time?
exiledbyfamily OP responded:
I just edited the post to include this. But yes, we did discuss it
You actually discussed it with her, or you talked about it in reaction to the second time you were rejected? This is incredibly important to your narrative.
If you just had the conversation you detailed in your post, which was post-rejection, you f^%$#d up majorly by not having a conversation WITH HER, and instead spent your time planning the proposal behind her back.
exiledbyfamily OP responded:
We spoke before the first proposal. We spoke after the first rejection. She was insistent she wanted marriage, but just needed “a little bit of time”. A year later I proposed and she rejected again. That’s the proposal above.
Big-Channel4386
NTA. Pretty cut and dry. If the answer isnt hell yes, its a no.
Honeyhwhite
NTA: my first instinct is that she knows she doesn’t want to be married to you, but is afraid of being alone. If you had used to threat of a break up to coheres her into agreeing I’d say you were wrong, but it sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. If she’s not ready after 4 years, she’s not likely to be ready in the 5th either.
excessive_fertility
She's waiting for something better. I seen't it.
THG79
She's waiting on someone else. Yes, she has a person in mind.
StaceyLuvsChad writes:
She'll be engaged to somebody within the next 2 years.
Conscious_Voice_9593 writes:
Like the saint Chris Rock once said - “you were never her first choice” 🙂
HarlequinMadness writes:
I'd bet money that if OP did go her 'fine, I'll marry you' bu@#$%^@t . . . she'd be the type to leave him at the altar. You're absolutely correct, OP should NOT fall into the engagement trap with this girl.