Man breaks up with GF with no warning after she vacations with 2 men. UPDATED 2X.
When this man is freaked out by his GF's decision to go on vacation with a bunch of men, he asks Reddit:
"AITAH for not telling my gf I was gonna break up with her if she went on vacation with male friends?"
Basically, my gf went on vacation with her 5 male friends. I told her this made me uncomfortable and didn't want her to go. Btw, she used to hook up with one of them before she met me.
She told me it'd be fine and that they are like brothers to her. I already made the decision to break up her right there and then, but I wanted to get my stuff from her place before anything, and I figured I should do that while she's gone.
I also didn't want to break up over text or call so I waited for her to come back. I picked her up when she came back, dropped her off, and gave her the key to her place back and broke up.
She started crying, and she figured out it was because of the vacation. She keep saying that nothing happened. I told her she knew I wasn't comfortable with this, and she still went.
She mentioned that I should have said that I'd break up with her if she went, and that if she knew she'd never would have gone. I told her I didn't want to be controlling and threaten her with ending the relationship.
We kept going back and forth over this for a while. To give you a bit more context: She never actually introduced me to these friends. Even though I mentioned I wanted to meet them. She kept making excuses.
She never TOLD me she used to hook up with her friend. I only found out because I found an old pic of them kissing when she was showing me some old travel pics. I was OKAY WITH THEIR FRIENDSHIP until NOW. This was just too much for me. Did she cheat on me? Who knows. But at this point I was sick of doubting. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought of this dilemma. Opinions were all over the place...
insomniacninja writes:
NTA. Also, the fact that she claims she wouldn’t have gone if she knew you’d break up over it doesn’t make it better, it makes it worse.
It shows she doesn’t care how it affects you unless it becomes a problem for her too. That is zero integrity and that is not long-term partner material. It should not take you leaving or thinking about leaving for her to not dismiss your feelings. That’s asinine.
whitaker6 writes:
YTA. If this thread isn't proof of the amount of incels on reddit. I'm going to go against the grain and say YTA because you try to act like you aren't giving ultimatums or being controlling but that's exactly the behaviour you enacted but just didn't have the spine to tell her straight up.
If you don't trust your gf enough to go on vacation with a group of friends then that says more about you than her. Having a se%ual relationship with someone in the past doesn't mean she's continuing to have one.
You're straight up telling her who she can and can't be friends with and she's not allowed to spend time with previous boyfriends you sad, sad little man.
Good luck finding your perfect virgin demure submissive girlfriend in the future. Maybe next time you'll have some emotional maturity and actually trust the person your supposedly dating. YTA.
yunofyork writes:
YTA. I could never in a million years bring myself to give a s about someone going on vacation with friends, regardless if some of them had ancient history. I'd wish her well! I'd like her beach pics.
Who gives AF? Hundreds of morons, apparently. OP isn't the only AH here. Anyone condoning their behavior is just pure F. There's no excuse for that kind of shortsightedness
. It isn't a matter of opinion. I don't get to declare anything I want and call it a 'bOuNdArY'. This is not logical, ethical, or sane. People can come up with some pretty ridiculous ideas about what does and doesn't hurt their fragile sense of self; where is it written they are to be respected?
Their boundary is that you can't have friends or vacations because people have amicable break-ups in their past, wow.
You can't say NTA here and not be a POS in my book. These people deserve every misfortune. F them and their small world tribal mentality. 'Oh noeS! mah bOundaRIes mang!' Hope they don't have a 'boundary' on critical feedback, but who are we kidding. YTA.
alarmedbison7 writes:
NTA. You honestly probably did her a favor but dumping her. People like that without self awareness regarding the feelings of their partners need to be dumped when they violate basic common sense relationship practices.
If she asked me why I broke up with her, I’d straight up tell her as she is now, she is not and will not ever be girlfriend material for anyone, and the only thing she is, is for the streets.
I’ve had buddies that really loved gfs like this and cut them loose, and then being honest with them about their lack of self awareness about participating in ho culture helped them get non f-d up relationships later down the road.
I will say, if they are already so tone deaf they would go out on vacation with male friends, one of which you know she used to fuck, it seems unlikely she is ever going to get married or be faithful.
OP offers this update about the situation:
UPDATE 1: She's tried to reach me a few times, but I've blocked her. Looks, Girls (and guys) can go on vacations where they end up cheating. Cheating isn't something men (women) wand from their boyfriend/girlfriend.
And I have no way of knowing if she cheated or not now, do I?I broke up simply because I didn't want to take the risk. But we all draw the line at different places. I drew the line somewhere before someone else would have. It's my choice as simple as that.
You calling me insecure is that same thing as someone in an open relationship calling you insecure for not letting your partner F around. Whether you think it was right or not for her to go, it was not OK for me. If you were in my position and you were OK with her going, that's your life.
OP offers this second update, which provides more details about the trip:
I'm not gonna change my boundaries just because some people have different boundaries. FYI, this wasn't JUST a guy she went with, this was a guy she had hooked up with consistently already.
We'd been dating for just over a year. This wasn't a "test". I just didn't want to be controlling. I don't want to be controlling. Her friend group is not all guys. She went with two guys. This was a ski trip they were all excited about. I couldn't go due to work.
Readers continued to weigh in:
kelcestache writes:
NTA because you can break up for whatever reason you want to. That said, I think she got the message now. She told you that you should have told her, which means she wants you to communicate that. You should have discussed it more with her. Instead, you kind of went full shit mode and did all of that and then dropped a bomb on her.
You like the girl so maybe you should talk it out. Communication is how relationships work, and you really sucked at it. Lots of things will make you uncomfortable in a relationship. You need to have better communication and make it clear how uncomfortable you are.