Man cancels wife's 15 TV subscription services, says 'it's my money.' AITA?
AITA for canceling my wife’s TV subscriptions?
I don’t know if she’s trying to play some sort of Pokémon “gotta-catch-‘em-all” but for TV subscriptions, but my wife subscribed to over 15 TV services that cost monthly bills without even letting me know beforehand. I found out while checking my account today.
I asked her why she needed all these subscriptions, and she said that it’s nice to have more variety. I was really upset she decided to go behind my back and purchase all these things, so I canceled the subscriptions and told her she can watch free stuff instead, and learn to ask me next time before spending my money. She threw a tantrum and called me a jerk. AITA?
Here is how people responded:
15 different subscription services is a lot. That is true. But the way you handled it makes YTA. Especially the 'she can watch free stuff' bit. You could have talked to her like an adult and had her pick like 4 or 5 to keep and get rid of the others. God you sound insufferable. Again to reiterate. YTA.
First the judgment: ESH because she acted without checking with you AND you acted without checking with her. This tit for tat (I did it to her to punish her for doing it to me) is a crappy, low-success way to sustain a loving relationship.
Think about why you didn't take the opportunity to handle it the way you said she should have in the first place. You say what you want is for you to both talk and decide on a compromise together. What made you decide that two wrongs were the correct way to make this right?
Maybe more concerning is how you talk about that money: 'Before spending my money (emphasis mine)
Think about why you didn't say it this way: 'Before spending from the household budget' or 'Before spending our money without discussing it with me'.
I assume you are the breadwinner for the household. If you actually consider it all your money, it explains why you felt justified to make your own private decision to use this incident to retaliate. Is that your true feeling?
To find out, think about how much control you think is right for you to have over finances vs how much you think is right for her to have.
Do you have some autonomy with the money that she doesn't have? What made you decide to do that? If you were rendered unable to be the breadwinner and she took it over instead, would it be your preferred arrangement? would you consider it her sharing her money, or would it belong to you both? Would she have the same veto power that you do currently?
Are you truly sharing finances or are you just letting her request stuff from you? Think about it.
The OP then followed up with some helpful clarifications:
Edit:
Details:
wife does no housework, we have a maid
wife decided to quit her job despite my wishes two months into marriage
we have no children
divorce is not feasible in our cultural environment, it can potentially endanger both of our families physically due to religious authorities and extremists present
my money is singularly in my account, not joint
she looked through my work bag for my cc to get the subscriptions without my knowledge
The OP also added that he lives in India and there are legal differences to take into account.
It is my money both legally (in my country it is) and logically because I work for it. We do not share money, and she decides to not have a job.
Here is how people responded with more details in mind:
How is anyone here saying he is even slightly an AH??? SHE stole HIS cc. She quit her job after he was trapped to be lazy and feed off of his income.
He has every right to tell her she needs to ask before purchasing completely unnecessary things if its his money. Most of the people here saying he's an AH sound like the ones living in mommy's basement for free.
NTA. Fifteen?!? That is absurd. 2-3 without asking wouldn’t be so bad (assuming prices are fair) but fifteen? Ugh.
It's really weird to me when married people refer to money as 'Mine' instead of 'ours'. I know it's not how everyone works, and I'm not saying that it's wrong to have separate finances...but I dunno, it just seems like a weird way to operate in a marriage.
I don't have money, my family has money. Every single penny I earn goes into the family. We budget for individual wants/needs and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would be incredibly frustrated if my wife started spending money like crazy, but I wouldn't feel personally violated.
“…learn to ask me next time…” ?!?!?!?!?!?!? YTA for that above all else, and YES also for cancelling her subscriptions like she’s A CHILD. You are the very definition of an AH.
The OP came back to defend himself.
Well I think it’s a childish move to subscribe to fifteen services without thinking about the financial consequences
I study law and I don’t know of any marriage laws in any countries in the last ~five decades that there isn’t marital property at all. So I’m curious which country?
The OP responded an hour later.
I live in an independent Muslim community district in India, moved from Kuwait with my wife when we got married.
Other people suggested drastic actions:
If you're not happy, go to marriage counseling or divorce. This isn't about tv subscriptions at all.
The OP provided some surprising new information.
I want a divorce (actually I want her to go back to her hardworking self she was before we married.) But due to extreme cultural and familial pressures it is not feasible for me to do that without causing my immediate family harm.
It sounds like your wife is miserable and signed up for 15 subscription services to make a point. I’m not saying she went about it the right way, but you sound like an asshole. And again, what you’re doing is textbook financial abuse.
I sincerely hope for your sake and your wife’s sake that you get professional help.
This sparked some serious anger from the OP:
No, it is not financial abuse because I have repeatedly offered to help her look for a job and find one. I don’t want to financially control her, I just don’t want her using my money without working for anything.
Ideally, I wish she would work and make some of her own money. Stop throwing out terms of abuse. Abuse is not wanting to keep your own money, and encouraging your partner to do the same.
'My wife did something behind my back so I'm going to do something behind hers!' Could have been the bigger person here and sat her down to go through downsizing the list to compromise. Or just get cable.
Also, your money? Dude. Your married. That's your guys' money. Is she in the clear for going and doing that stuff behind your back? No. She should have talked to you about signing up for so many (though 15? Where do you live where there are more than like 5 streaming services?), but throwing it in her face that it's your money is fucked. ESH