Man considers ending engagement over fiancé's 'rude' treatment of his best friend.
'AITA for telling my girlfriend to stop playing dumb and refusing to answer her question?'
I (26M) have known my best friend (26M) since when we were 14. We live in two different states now so I don't get to see him as nearly as often as I would like, but we keep in touch through near daily facetimes and pretty constant texts.
Because of the distance, my fiancée (27F) hasn't gotten many chances to meet him in person. We did facetime introductions and they've said brief hellos at a couple weddings we all attended, but they haven't been around each other in many non-formal circumstances. Anytime I see him otherwise, I usually go down to his place for the weekend by myself.
He had a pretty rough time in his late teens and early 20s. He was struggling with addiction issues, among other things to cope with sh**ty life circumstances. He distanced himself from everyone excluding myself and a handful of others.
My family really rallied around him during this time to support him, even from afar, so I'd say all of us are pretty protective of him (they just have to be quiet about it since he isn't interested in anyone other than that aforementioned handful of people seeing him vulnerable.)
Luckily, he's doing much better now. Last night, my parents hosted a little get together for my mom's birthday and he was invited. They live at a decent halfway point between us both so it works perfectly. It was the first time my fiancée and him were around each other for more than a few hours in a more casual setting.
It became obvious quickly that they don't get along. It also became obvious that because their previous interactions had all included long sleeves, my fiancée had never seen my friend's bare arms, which have scars on them.
I caught her looking a few times over the course of the night, but I didn't say anything. I'm pretty protective over him, but I knew he could handle it himself if he was too bothered. Towards the end of the night, he did end up making a 'my eyes are up here' sort of joking comment.
Even my parents pulled me aside at one point to mention it, and it's soured their view of her a little.
When we got in my car on the way back, she almost immediately asked me what happened. After being frustrated over her behavior at the party, I told her not to play stupid. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's up.
She told me I was being a d**k and that she just wanted more information, and I said it was incredibly rude to ask about things like that, even indirectly. It was a brutal drive home and I'm rethinking a few things now. AITA?
More info from OP:
For those asking why I didn't warn in advance - I've introduced him to people in the past and have never had a reaction like this. He is a human being, I don't exactly think he needs a warning label.
DKBDV asked:
How would it be 'obvious' to somebody what kind of scars it is? I, for example, have never seen either self-harm scars or drug use scars.
Own-Post2720 OP responded:
I didn't want to go into explicit detail here, as it could be triggering.
But multiple, straight line scars on someone's body in specific places are typically attributed to one thing. This is not always the case, of course, there are other causes. I just find it hard to believe that the nature of these kinds of scars isn't somewhat blatant with the mental health awareness that comes from just being a human who exists in society today / on the internet.
But who knows! I'm learning people's mileage varies widely from mine. Maybe I'm taking for granted what people know because I grew up with him and knew the goings on of how he thought.
-oaktown- asks:
The question I have is, how invested are you in this relationship?
Own-Post2720 OP responded:
I'm trying to weigh this out for myself right now. I'm not saying I'm necessarily in the right for how I handled it (looks like the consensus is leaning a**hole) but I also don't think she was right either. I need to consider whether I'm comfortable staying in a relationship with someone where manners go out the window in the face of perceived differences.
It's also difficult to recover from a situation like this that happened in front of the most important people in my life besides her. Just one of those moments people look back on with a bad taste in their mouth and cringe about.
randomized987654321 asks:
INFO: at what point during the party did you pull your fiancé to the side and tell her (politely) to stop stating at your friends scars?
Own-Post2720 OP responded:
I never had an explicit conversation with her, but I did nudge her a few times. For clarity's sake, these are very obvious SH scars. You have to remember that she was there in person, not relying on a vague recounting of the story.
Here's how people judged OP:
o-Actuary-9388 writes:
YTA. It might’ve been rude for her to openly ask him, but she didn’t. She asked YOU. In private.
And if the scars are from the drug abuse, then she may not have any frame of reference for what those scars look like. I mean.. I don’t have anybody in my life that’s struggled with addiction. So she just may not have realized.
RedditStaffCantCode writes:
And 'that's my friend's story to tell; maybe one day he'll feel safe enough to open up with you' would have gone over a lot better than calling her names.
Black_Whisper writes:
If everyone at the party noticed she was probably staring pretty hard
Affectionate-Taste55 writes:
It was still rude of her to stare at them that was noticeable enough that everyone commented on it. It's one thing to wonder how he got the scars, another to stare at the relentlessly.
swedishmigraine writes:
Social decorum issues are different than 'playing dumb.' His reaction was hurtful, not helpful.