One man thought he was coming to Reddit to vent about the unfair dynamic between himself and his girlfriend. He felt entitled to less work around the house because he earned more money. Well, readers had something to say about that and, believe it or not, he actually listened.
I (24M) work for a very prominent company and get paid a lot better than my girlfriend (23F). We both moved to a different state for my job, and she ended up with a very toxic work environment with a boss who was sexist and homophobic.
She hated her job and ended up getting a new one that pays a lot less than her old one, and has asked me to take on the responsibility of paying most of the rent.
Since we have been in this new state, she has done most of the cleaning. I contribute by doing the dishes sometimes and washing the laundry (she folds it). She is the only one who cleans the bathroom, the kitchen, and the only one who sweeps, mops, and vacuums along with other random chores here and there.
It’s been about 8 months since we moved and everything was fine until recently. The other day she asked me to vacuum the living room and I said I didn’t know where the vacuum was.
Since then, she keeps bringing up how I need to do more of the housework, but I feel like because I contribute more to the rent she should be responsible for keeping the apartment clean. I also do the dishes sometimes and do stuff she asks me to do.
I’ve done more of the dishes since she brought it up (doing them maybe once a week instead of once every other week). She now leaves cleaning tasks for me to do without telling me about them and then gets upset when they aren’t done.
If she just asked me to clean those parts of the apartment then I would. She claims that I should know what needs to get done and just do them myself without making her bring it up first. Eventually she gets frustrated and just cleans by herself.
I’m also tired from working when I get home and I just want to relax or finish my work. She works the same amount of hours as me, but her job is much less demanding than mine so she is less drained by the end of the day. She does pay for our groceries and my gas sometimes as well as other little things here and there.
I don’t think I’m an a**hole for expecting her to contribute with the housework since I contribute more financially. AITA for letting her do most of cleaning since I pay for most of the rent?
Info: Are both of you working full time?
Same hours but OP says her job is less demanding. So he can be too tired to clean after work, but she can't be.
He gets all the free time he wants but she needs to keep toiling.
Info: Where is your girlfriend hiding the Vacuum? Like seriously how many places can you hide a vacuum cleaner in a normal house/apartment?
You are slipping towards AH. Is this the hill you want to die on? How would you feels if the shoe were on the other foot? You would be crying like a baby. You do dishes once every second week. Lol. She isn’t your maID she’s your significant other. This isnt a business arrangement.
I just want to answer some of the more common questions I’ve been seeing. We both work the same amount of hours each week. She has agreed that her job is less demanding than mine. We split the rent 60/40 so I pay about 60% of it right now.
Her health concerns aren’t an every day thing, but they come up a few times a month. I know where the vacuum is now. After receiving the comments I have, I really need to sit and reflect on how I am acting in this relationship.
I recognize now that I have truly and deeply made a mistake with thinking paying more of the rent means that I should do less of the housework. I really love her and I value her so much, and I’ve clearly done a horrible job at showing that.
You’d only not be the asshole if you guys had an agreement where she does most the cleaning, but a 60/40 split doesn’t warrant that. And the relationships that one person brings the income and the other person does the house, in my experience, are toxic.
YTA. You both work the same hours and should share work around the house. However, she also needs to communicate what needs to be done since you have hubby vision and don't see what needs to get done.
'We split the rent 60/40.' I was with you until this. You're framing your share like it's MUCH larger than hers but you're basically doing what a regular couple would do. You make more, you pay a higher amount. That has nothing to do with the chores. If you were paying all the bills, or the majority of them you'd argue for it but she's even paying for groceries.
Your complaint comes down to 'my job is harder, should she clean'. YTA. You need to prioritize a day where you do a share of the house work, or expect part of your day going forward is to help out with some of the chores around the house.
YTA. This argument comes up in every damn relationship I swear...
She works the same amount of hours as you AND does basically ALL of the cleaning? Does she do the cooking too? She is looking for help. Literally. That's it. Maybe the amount of cleaning she has done over the past 8 months has her BURNT OUT. Did you ever think of that??
I appreciate those of you defending me in the comments, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I am the a**hole. Please don’t say anything negative about my girlfriend since she has not done anything wrong.
She’s tried talking to me about this and I have not been receptive. I’m sorry for not responding to people, I was having a conversation with her. There’s nothing I can do to make up for the past 8 months, and I was an idiot to think that my financial contribution was great enough to warrant not doing any chores.
I would do anything to keep her, and I messed up thinking that this was a small issue. I hope she forgives me for not taking her concerns seriously, and I hope I can create an environment where she feels comfortable confronting me in the future if I’m EVER acting like this again.
It shouldn’t have come down to strangers on the internet telling me I’m an a**hole to realize this, but thank you all for the wake up call so much. I am never going to dismiss her or all the hard work she puts into this relationship and our life together again.
I'm going to start doing the majority of the chores for the time being. I’m also going to start paying more of the rent since I do make more. I don’t pay more of the rent to have a housekeeper, I pay more of the rent because I love her and I want to support her. Thank you all again for the reality check.
Thank you OP for your reflection and edit. As per usual people are too rough here. I understand mathematical thinking (my (53/F) and partner (53/M ) of almost 30 years do not pool our money. We have a credit card for shared expenses and pretty much keep to ourselves financially. I think that is a major reason we are still together.)
You are young and learning!! Definitely with the 60/40 and expecting her cleaning to be pretty much 100% is way off base and you should have included her in your thought process not just assumed. Since it is just a 10% difference and the time is the same you should be even steven with the chores!
Thanks again for being willing to be thrown into the lion's den OP in order to improve yourself!!!
Bullsh*t. No man comes to that conclusion so easily. If they did, this wouldn't be a central argument of EVERY heterosexual relationship on the planet.
I think a big thing for me was seeing the type of comments and people agreeing with my side. Realizing how sexist my actions were really made me think about what I was messing up here. I really love my girlfriend, and I want her to be happy. I didn’t realize how deep this was for her and women as a whole.
I honestly thought I was on the wrong site after reading OP’s update. I’m impressed OP!
Check out the book “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky. It could prove invaluable for you both. And don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m impressed by your level of self-reflection and willingness to reassess living agreements. That’s what your 20s are for! :)