Man diagnosed with serious health issues asks how to break up with 'newish' GF. Updated!
'I (51M) have to breakup with newish serious GF (43F) because of medical issues.'
Sorry if this is poorly written.
About 8 months ago, I met a very lovely woman and we hit it off completely. She has her own life (kids, work, hobbies) but we make things work and see each other whenever possible and are in touch daily. I love her and she has also stated that she loves me. We have talked about long term plans of being together once we are both done with our other obligations.
Whilst all of these wonderful experiences have been going on, I have been dealing with what I thought were minor medical issues. I never let on to my GF (so as to not worry her and add another dynamic to our relationship) that I've been having any issues and they were so 'minor' that I was able to get away with it.
After many medical appointments and many tests, my doctors informed me late last week that the problems aren't so minor and the prognosis is not good. I absolutely do not want to burden this wonderful woman with what I'm going to be dealing with.
Do I lie and make up a story or do I tell her the truth? Can anyone see a way out of this without lying or telling her the truth? Regardless of how I approach this, I will not be staying with her.
Here's what people had to say:
Malibucat48 writes:
She needs to know the truth. Tell her your prognosis and let her know why you don’t want her involved in your care. If she says she wants to help you, you have decided you don’t want her to witness it and that is your right.
But you can’t not tell her and if she finds out you have died, she will feel guilty forever thinking she could have done something to help you. Don’t put that burden on her.
ThrowRA_itsmenotyou OP responded:
Thank you for answering the question.
Malibucat48 said:
Good luck. I hope your prognosis isn’t as bad as you think, but don’t turn down help. There are angels around for you even if you don’t want it to be her.
juliaskig writes:
I don't know how your gf will feel about it. I know if I were her, I would want to be with my love until the day they died. If you switched sides and it was her that was going through this how would you feel?
So if you are ending things to spare her, then I think you leave it to her. If on the other hand, you are ending it because you don't want her around while you are sick, then you end things.
Creepy_Document_2764 writes:
If I were you, I would not make any decision right this second. You are emotional and dealing with a lot. Give it at least a week to think things through.
When it comes to the break up, personally, I would want to know the actual reason you were breaking up with me. Being blindsided with a breakup with no logical explanation can weigh on a person, and it isn't really fair to her. She deserves to know at least some of what is going on.
On a side note, I also don't recommend trying to face this alone. You don't need to face it with her, but facing serious medical issues without a support system would be terrible. I hope you have other people in your life that you are willing to let in and help you.
Update 1 from OP after reading the comments:
Folks, thank you for the input. I will be telling her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I'm sorry so many of you can't accept that I will be ending the relationship but that wasn't a question I asked about and it IS my absolute right to do so.
Without sharing too much, I just want to say there is no doubt as to the outcome here.
I have been on the other side of this in a relationship and I cannot put her through it for my own mental health. I will fight this like mad for as long as possible but it's not something I can do properly when I'm worried about someone else.
Update from OP 5 days later:
It's going to be short and sweet (well, maybe not so sweet). I worked out a plan to tell her everything at our next meeting (tonight). I had spoken with a counsellor and worked out a plan. I wrote her a letter and was going to read it to her in person. The letter explained my health situation and my plans going forward.
Long story short, she was able to sense that something was up during our conversations this week. Because I didn't want to just drop this ton of bricks on her unannounced, I gave her a heads up that we needed to talk when we met.
Things went downhill from there. She assumed the worst because of her past and we ended up breaking things off on the phone earlier. When I said we, I meant she. She has no idea about my health situation and I now have no plans to share this information with her.
I also would like to state for all the people saying I was not doing the right thing; my counsellor helped me see this isn't about right or wrong, it's about doing what's best for me. Wishing you all peace and love.
Here's what people had to say after the first update:
Sassy-Sweet95 writes:
This whole post is SCREAMING self-sabotage ðŸ˜
BollweevilKnievel1 writes:
Send her the letter.
tntdon writes:
Bro, you do you but remember your life and death isn't always about you. You affect those you love. I wish you the best.
Response from OP after reading the comments:
ETA: It's clear that Reddit and I are not and have not been in agreement about i) my ending my relationship and ii) what has transpired around my ending it. I would pull out the old 'Do not judge someone before you've walked a mile in their shoes.' but I would never wish that onto anyone.
I don't regret my actions but I do regret posting the update. The will be my last update, last response and last post to reddit. May you all find peace in your lives and don't be so quick to judge. Life is messy and very complicated.
Update from OP two and a half months later:
This message is being posted at my behest but not by 'me'.
Jenn, should you ever stumble upon this account and messages, please know that I loved you until the day I died. You must also know that I never lied to you and I do apologize for letting the thought of lying to you cross my mind.
I wrote you a long letter explaining it all but it was returned to me unopened when I got back home. Please please please do not let me and this jade you further. You must not close yourself off from the world again.
You deserve to love and be loved. I did what I needed to do for me, it was selfish but it was what I needed to do. Should you ever decide you want more closure, please contact Nick and he will give you the letter.
Reddit, reddit, reddit; thank you to the small minority that supported and understood me in my moment of emotional need. Death, like life, doesn't always go to plan. Whilst not wrong about the diagnosis, the doctors did have the timeline wrong and my short term plans were cut much shorter than expected.
To everyone else, you want your cookie cutter plans for 'happiness' to be real but that often isn't the case. Real life is messy. I'm sure most of you didn't have ill intentions (some of you did though!) but maybe learn to open up your minds a little to see both sides of an equation.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the last update:
AAP_BH writes:
I’m sorry that you weren’t able to speak to her yourself , I’m so sorry you had to pass away at such a young age. I hope you were surrounded by people you love and love you until your last moments. The fact that you loved this woman enough to let her go says so much about the type of human you are. If there’s a heaven/afterlife I hope you are there and able to be happy!
phemonoe153 writes:
Thank you (Nick?) for sharing this. I'm sorry for your loss of this sweet friend. Jenn, I imagine if you find this it will be a huge weight, emotionally. As an outsider I can see very clearly that he forgave you and understood why you ended things even if it was for the wrong reasons. I hope you can get the support you need after learning the rest of his story.
aaanon888 writes:
you will be remembered. i hope you’re at peace.
lanceypanties writes:
Rest in peace, your post has made a difference with a lot of people today.