Man tells fiancé his friend's trauma is 'more important than her comfort.' AITA?

Ideally, your close friends will feel comfortable with your partner and even form their own friendship with them.

But this takes time, and it's not uncommon for there to be a period of time where your partner is simply your partner, and not a fully integrated part of the friend group.

Unfortunately, this can create relationship tension and feelings of exclusion if it never shifts.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling his fiancee that his friend's trauma is more important than her comfort.

He wrote:

AITA for telling my fiancé that my friend’s trauma is more important than her comfort?

My best friend lost a parent a year and a half ago which led him to a mental health crisis. Our friend group has been picking up the pieces ever since. He's doing much better now that he's in therapy, but he's definitely gone through it.

What has complicated matters worse is my fiancé. It goes without saying that I love her, but she is the definition of a busybody sometimes. My best friend is a very private person.

She knows something happened with him, but she doesn't know the details of what that something is. She probably never will. But because she's around me and my friends often as we live in the same house, she hears bits and pieces of the story and presses for more information.

I try to circumvent this as best as I can - for example, I step out of the room for specific phone conversations. But still, it's hard to limit the discussion about it sometimes.

If it’s necessary we bring it up and she’s around in person, we’ll refer to the 'Nolan situation' without giving specifics. Nolan will also stop by my place at night when he can't sleep. This doesn't happen all that often - maybe twice a month.

He'll text me or call me saying he's outside, I'll go sit with him and maybe smoke a little bit, then he'll head home. I'll wait up until I know he got home safely, then I go back to sleep. My fiancé hates this.

She claims the phone calls always wake her up - they don't, she just sometimes happen to wake up for the bathroom while I'm outside - and that me not being in bed is alarming. This brings us to last night. Nolan stopped by and when I came back inside, my fiancé said she was 'putting a stop to it.'

She said all the sneaking around is making her paranoid, she doesn't feel like she can properly trust me or be a part of my friend group without knowing the details, and that Nolan needs to stop relying on me so much.

I told her that no matter whether we're married, dating, whatever, she will never have any ownership over my friend's trauma, and that she was never going to be able to order me around in regards to it.

I also said her comfort was less important than someone’s actual physical well-being. She was obviously hurt by this and went to stay with her mom after work today. AITA?

EDIT: She knows Nolan lost a parent, she doesn’t know the aftermath beyond the statement he had a mental health crisis. Yes, he has specifically asked me not to tell her.

EDIT 2: This is not something we talk about “constantly” in front of her. I’m giving examples that have happened over the past year and a half. Also, Nolan sees a therapist. He comes to my place to hang out.

People quickly shared their thoughts on the situation.

mamabird1993 wrote:

YTA Imagine everyone code talking around you, your fiancé stepping out to take phone calls, and having secret meet-ups in the middle of the night that you can’t ask about. Being excluded and made to wonder to that degree would make anyone crazy. If she came here I’d tell her to leave you immediately.

Difficult-Ad802 wrote:

YTA. But honestly, I think Nolan is emotionally manipulating you at this point. There is a major difference between being “intensely private” and using this event as emotional leverage to get your group to drop whatever for him.

Nothing bonds people like f*%$ing trauma, but your whole friend group takes this to an extreme.

After reading that Nolan ONLY shows up to YOUR apt and reacting INSANELY to being asked “how are you doing?” by YOUR fiancé - it is not normal to lash out at that question even if you are private.

It’s a very normal question and I’m sure he was asked by numerous other people than her. OP, I really think you need to evaluate whether or not your friend is really emotionally needy, or just doesn’t want to lose you to your fiancé.

Also, I have many other questions but truly you’re an unreliable narrator. I think we need to hear the fiancé’s side to confirm my thoughts.

m0ddem wrote:

Here's the thing, man. Your fiancee is going to be the most important person in your life. Your partner.

And while it's true that it's up to Nolan what he shares and whom he shares it with, it does sound like you're cutting her out of the situation to a degree that is problematic. You are not your friend's therapist. There is no doctor-patient privilege. This is not a job nor is it classified information.

If my SO was frequently getting up late at night because a non-mutual friend needed the equivalent of being tucked into bed multiple times a month, it would eventually begin to bother me if I was not in the loop.

E S H. <> Your fiancee is being overly pushy, your friend is using you as a stand in for (additional) therapy and causing your relationship to have issues because he does not trust your partner. (but is fine with demanding your time) and you suck because you're trying to dictate how she feels or reacts ('I'm not waking her up, she's just saying that')

EDIT: Upon further response, OP has stated that Nolan's late-night visits are not causing him a problem. Which is pretty telling, because it means he really doesn't care how his fiancee feels about this situation and/or how it is impacting their relationship. OP, YTA.

drowzychaperone wrote:

YTA it’s one thing to want to respect your friend’s privacy but when you’re so involved that he’s just showing up to the house you share unannounced, your fiancé deserves to know why.

Iamgoaliemom wrote:

YTA. You want to marry this woman but you are choosing to put your friend above your relationship. You're excluding her. You and your friends talk in code around her, you leave the room to take calls, and you slip out in the middle of the night.

She is reasonable to be annoyed. This situation with your friend is all around her and negatively impacting her, but she isn't allowed to be a part of it. Your friend doesn't need to share his personal situation, that's his choice.

But as a result, you are making a choice to put your friend above your future wife. She may be making a choice soon too, to find a partner who trusts her and puts her first.

Clearly, OP needs to reassess his priorities, while he still has a partner patient enough to let him.