Man fights GF when she insists they 'open their relationship for health reasons.' AITA?
When this man is upset with his GF's demands, he asks Reddit:
'AITA by refusing to allow my gf to open our relationship?'
I, J, have been with my gf, K, for a few years now. When we first got together she and I had come from bad relationships. She had a history of cheating where I had a history of being cheated on.
We were very open with each other, even about things we knew the other would hate such as her history of cheating, which she previously explained as “a way to deal with the feeling of being sidelined by my boyfriends”.
K ended up telling me she was developing feelings for a close friend of hers, D, and I told her that was fine (as I believe it’s normal to develop a crush on people from time to time) as long as nothing happened between them and she agreed.
After this she felt distant for a few days so I asked her if everything was ok, to which she told me she felt like her feelings were more serious than a crush. I ended up getting a bit distant from her, but I still tried to be accepting of her feelings whilst making it clear I did NOT want anything happening between the two of them.
One night she asks if we can talk and she tells me she thinks she might be Polyamorous, further explaining that she thinks this might be one of the reasons she had a previous history of cheating.
While I have nothing personal against the poly community, and explained this to her, I told her I did not want to participate in a Polyamorous relationship. She told me I was being closed minded and told me how I “might enjoy it too, it might help your mental health”, despite knowing I am very much monogamous.
I put my foot down and said “No. we got together in a monogamous relationship and I have opened up to you about how I have been cheated on and how much it hurts.
I do not want to open up our relationship and I expect you to understand and respect that”. I don’t remember much of the argument, only bits and pieces of it. She essentially argued that “why should our relationship be monogamous to suit you when it can’t be polygamous to suit me?” And told me I was being selfish.
In the end I caved, and allowed us to open up as long as the following rules were abided by: Tell the other person everything; Nothing past second base; The other person has a veto power.
She quickly agreed and told me I was a great boyfriend, then spent the next day with him. When she got home, she asked me if the second rule could be changed, as he wanted to go further.
I said absolutely not and that I was getting less and less comfortable with him. We had a fight again, to which I turned around and chose to use my veto power to close our relationship again. She called me an a**hole and asked “why do you think you have the right to do that?”.
I told her that our relationship, and the potential to open it, was based on trust and this situation felt off and I didn’t appreciate not only being pressured into agreeing to open our relationship but then insulted when I refused to let you do something I wasn’t comfortable with.
The fight continued for a little bit, I’ll admit we both said things we shouldn’t of, until I said “if being in a Polyamorous relationship is more important to you than our relationship then maybe you should leave” and now we haven’t spoken since it.
I understand I was highly emotional during it, and shouldn’t have said it. So I wanted to ask: AITA?
Let's see what readers had to say.
siren2040 writes:
As a polyamorous person myself, NTA. If she was truly polyamorous, she would either end the relationship with you or ask you if you would be willing and comfortable with at the very least a temporary end to the relationship so she could explore this by herself.
She would let you know that this is something that she needs to figure out without being attached to you, so that she doesn't hurt you.
The way that she has gone about this, seems like she's trying to use polyamory as an excuse to cheat. Which a lot of people do, and it's disgusting. And honestly ends up making polyamory look like a joke. And it sucks.
You are monogamous, you have expressed you wish to stay monogamous, I would recommend finding somebody who doesn't have a history of cheating repeatedly, and somebody who is 100% sure that they're monogamous as well.
strobo writes:
NTA. Look if she has discovered she is poly then great for her, but you aren't under any obligation to accept that as part of your relationship spectrum. She wants to see multiple people, you don't.
This is just the way it is and the only reasonable answer is to go your separate ways and find partners that fit with you on the relationship spectrum.
likeahike writes:
NTA, if she suggests an open relationship she most likely has already cheated on you or wants your permission to cheat without consequences. Whichever it is, you are not her priority in this relationship. So walk away. You deserve better.