Here's the original post:
Married high school sweetheart at age 25. She died in a car accident 5 years later. We loved to travel and so I had her ashes made into a diamond to take her with me on my adventures. Her ashes along with both of our wedding rings are on a chain I carry in my pocket on my adventures. Helps me feel close to her. I will always love and miss her, but I know she would want me to be happy and find love.
I've been dating new girl for over a year. I dated a bit a couple years after wife's death but never found love until new girl (M). M is great, and has been so supportive and understanding of my late wife.
She knows about the chain and never said it bothered her (though she neve knew the stone was my wife's ashes). I used to keep the chain on my bedpost but thought it would be disrespectful to M so it's now safe in a drawer. I still take it with me on travels.
M and I have talked about moving in together when her lease ends in 2 months. I am ecstatic for this. I want to spend my life with her. Yesterday, I was packing for a solo weekend trip to the east coast as she was over. When I packed the chain M asked me what the other ring was (not ex's or my wedding rings).
I explained that I had ex's ashes pressed into a stone and she flipped. Couldn't believe I had "lied" to her for a year and said what I had done was creepy and weird. Gave me an ultimatum, get rid of the stone (I can keep our rings on the chain, just not the ashes) or she will not move in with me. I asked if I could put the stone in away in a drawer but she said no, it had to go.
She refuses to spend another night with my wife in the house and said its her or me. Please help reddit, I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose this girl, but I also don't want to give up respect for the woman I once loved. My ex was not close to her parents so I cannot give it to them. I can't just throw it away. I'm at a loss. Canceled my weekend trip. I just want to make things work with M.
tl;dr: turned late wife's ashes into a diamond that new girlfriend wants me to completely get rid of. Don't want to lose girl, can't separate from wife's ashes. Help.
First off: you turning the ashes into a diamond is the most awesome way to carry someone with you, it was a great idea. Don't ever get down on yourself about that. That said....and this is important.... Don't ever get rid of that stone. Ever. You'll never ever forgive yourself. M needs to man up. It's not you, it's her.
Here is where I can relate: My GFs ex's ashes sit in a very small urn on a bookshelf in our living room. He died of a suicide. I'd NEVER ask her to get rid of them. Those ashes are important. My GF does not fawn over them, and in fact honestly probably forgets they are there sometimes.
But those ashes are a memory of, and actually physically are a PERSON, someone I never knew, but of a person nonetheless. And that WAS my GFs person, not mine. I use past-tense here.
I think new GF is very afraid of you not being over your wife. And I can get that for sure. But to have the fucking BALLS to DEMAND that you rid yourself of, what quite frankly is a very touching way to memorialize your wife, is so far out of line I can't even fathom that she said it and meant it.
If your GF doubles-down on this and says "me or the stone" the answer HAS to be an immediate "the stone" because this demand sets a terrible and sour precedent for your future together. I'd never forgive her if I were you and she made me give that up. That stone has nothing to do with her and she can fuck off about it. I'd stand fast, man. I'd stand so fast. Please please don't cave on this.
Female in mid-20's here. I think that the stone is a beautiful memento, and really not creepy or weird. In fact, had I known it was possible to do so, I would've arranged for something similar with my father's ashes so that my family could have kept him close.
As for your girlfriend, I think you should give her some space to calm down. If she is still giving you ultimatums then, I'd reconsider the relationship because 1) she is being disrespectful of your wife's passing and how you chose to honor her, and 2) relationships are about compassion and compromise so ultimatums are just a big no no.
I think you found a lovely way to pay tribute to the role your late wife played in your life, and it is way less creepy than an urn. Plus, it isn't something you carry every day. Is this something you would take on, say, a honeymoon or romantic trip? Look, this would only be creepy if you were proposing with it. And now I am sure some troll is going to sit on this for six months, and we'll see that post.
And sleepfight said:
Wow. Honestly, you shouldn't let this woman pressure you into giving up your wife's ashes. She was important to you. What I would say to her is, "GF, I care about you. I also care about my wife, who is no longer with us. This doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. I think it's incredibly selfish of you to ask me to give this away.
She's no longer alive, but she still lives in my memories, and it hurts my feelings that you think this is 'creepy and weird'. She was my wife. You are the one I love, but you are not the only person who has ever existed to me. If you can't handle that realization, I feel sorry for you."
This morning I took the time to read what all of you wrote and I'm hoping that M will settle for a safety deposit box or leaving it at my mom's.
She's never had somebody she cares about pass away and I think the thought of my wife's remains being in my house freaked her out. She's coming over tonight to talk, I will try to update you all soon. Thanks again for all the support and helping me to know that what I did with my wife's remains wasn't that insane.
We met up on Saturday. There was a lot of dialogue between us, but I'm going to try to keep it short and paraphrase what we said. I know many of you said to give M time to cool off but I just couldn't spend my whole weekend knowing she was unhappy.
I invited her over for dinner and spent the day cooking her favorite meal. I took the ring over to my mom's house (because I know it being in the house made her uncomfortable) and bought her some flowers. I really wanted to show her that she has no competition - that I love HER.
When she comes over, the first thing she says is, "Is it still in the house?" When I assure her it's not she comes in and sits down. I start by apologizing, explaining that I never meant to lie to her or hurt her but that I now realize I was lying by omission and it wasn't fair to her. I apologized again and said I hope she didn't loose all the trust she had in me.
I then told her how much I love Her. I explained how much she means to me and how easily I could see myself spending my life with her. I go on and on about how happy she makes me, blah blah blah. She likes all this lovey/apologetic talk and is smiling and holding my hand, telling me it's okay and that she loves me too.
I then say "it's time to talk bout the ring" and she changes right before my eyes. She lets go of my hand, and her happy face is replaced by one of anger. She said something along the lines of "I thought you got rid of it." and I told her that I never said that, I simply said it wasn't currently in the house.
She got angry but I asked her to listen to me before she said anything. I explained that when my wife died I didn't have the heart to bury her, and having her remains around felt odd to me - so the ring seemed like the best option. At this point she's crying, with her face in her hands.
I ask if she would be okay with me keeping it at my mom's place or in a safety deposit box. She's silent, then cries "Why couldn't you just bury her like a normal person?" Now I'm crying and I say that I'm sorry, that I respect my wife's memory but I wish it didn't disrupt our relationship because I love you (M).
Anyway, we cried. She said that she wishes the ring didn't bug her as much as it does, but that she's just not sure if she can be with me. She says making your wife a ring isn't what "normal people" do, and it's making her question about my character.
I asked her what she want's me to do with the ring, what her idea of "get rid of it" is, hoping we could compromise. She said she doesn't know what I should do with it she just wish it never existed. She said she loves me, but she's just not sure about the relationship anymore. Told me she needs to think on it. Left without even eating her dinner. :(
I haven't heard from her since. I'm not quite sure what to do or what we are at this point. We have stuff at each other's places and both have keys. I love this girl, and I don't want to easily give up on us. But I'm hesitant to reach out to her again. I'm thinking of giving it some time and hoping she reaches out to me. I don't know. The thought of losing M breaks my heart.
EDIT: I want to add that I really don't think this is about being insecure or jealous of my wife. I really think M is freaked out by the fact that I had my wife cremated and turned into a stone.
I think even if I had her in an urn M would still be freaked out. M hasn't had ANY experience with death, but I think she was raised with the idea that when somebody dies they go into the ground. The fact that my wife isn't buried somewhere freaks her out.
tl;dr: Tried to make amends with M and assure her that there is no competition. She is uneasy by the fact that I made the ring in the first place and isn't sure if it's a deal breaker or not. We haven't talked since.
There are billions if people, not everyone does the same. Do not get rid or the ring. You will regret it. Put it away in a safe where she doesn't have to see it and let her know. Allo tell her that you won't make her remains into a ring if she doesn't want to.
And goldt33f said:
"M told me that no girl would ever be comfortable with it and that if I keep the stone I will 'be living a lonely, miserable life.'"
OP, M is wrong. I'm a chick, and I think it is extremely sentimental and sweet that you did this.
What an amazing idea! I would never find it creepy, actually. It's so disrespectful of her to have asked you to choose between her and your dead wife who is with you via just a stone. Getting rid of the stone is fundamentally asking you to destroy any connection you had with someone you truly loved in the past and was taken away from the world via a tragic accident. Don't do it.
What do you think he should do? Is this relationship worth fighting for? Or should he take his late wife's ashes, and GTFO?