Man horrified after wife reveals her 'true intentions' after 11 years of marriage. AITA? UPDATED.
When this man is upset with his wife when she lashes out at him out of nowhere, she asks Reddit:
"AITA to feel cheated? My wife told me after 11 years the real reason she married me?"
I can't really talk about this to anyone and I don't want to show my feelings too much at home because I don't want the kids to worry or think that something is wrong.
My wife had an ex that she dated for several years but then broke up with him because he didn't want to become a father at the time and didn't have a very stable life/career.
I had known her as an acquaintance for years and then we began dating a year after her break up.
Initially, our marriage was happy, and she used to tell me that she loved me and that I was a great husband. Then things became stressful over the years and we were arguing a lot. One day, when she was extremely angry, she told me that she has never been able to fall in love with me and that she shouldn't have married me.
Later when I confronted her about whether she really meant this, she said she did. She said that I was a good father and she was right about that, but that our personalities don't gel and she chose to marry me because she was being "practical" about settling down in life.
I feel hurt and cheated by this, and I'm not sure how to process the emotions of the entire marriage feeling like a lie. It doesn't help that I have always been in love with her, even with the problems that we've been having.
Am I being wrong here? I feel like I should be handling this better.
OP then writes this update which provides more details about his marriage:
To be clear, we have three kids. We have different parenting styles, which has been the primary reason. And she's been distant and unhappy at work, and that frustration and stress has made things difficult for everyone and not just for her when she's at home.
I can't leave while we have young kids. Live separate lives- yes. But won't date other people. If the kids find out that I'm doing that, it will have a terrible impact on them. Also, I don't know how I could trust another woman again after this.
She didn't apologise but said she regretted what happened. But she also thinks it's not uncommon to marry for shared goals like kids and companionship, and not for love.
Let's see what readers had to say:
fetgdry writes:
You aren’t wrong and it’s frankly horrendous on her part to say this. If it’s how she feels, is it reason enough to not want to carry on in a lie of a relationship.
Not everyone will marry the greatest love of their lives, but most relationships needs mutual respect to carry on. If she doesn’t have that, why do you have to be the one that makes your kids feel safe in their family? Isn’t it her responsibility too?
I really feel for you, people will say try counselling or talking it out, but you are entitled to be liked / loved too, not just considered a good safe option.
loudmanagement9 writes:
That hurts man. If she really feels like that then it’s worth considering that you can go find someone who returns your earnest affections. It’s also possible that she’s stressed and angry and short sighted.
Personally if I found out my spouse didn’t love me I wouldn’t consider them my spouse anymore. They could be many other things, a co parent, maybe some kind of a domestic partner, but not a true soulmate. That being said you should probably try therapy and get the bottom of her feelings.
unusedc writes:
If my wife told me this I would let her go in my heart, and go to a divorce lawyer by myself. I would sleep in a separate room and offer no intimacy whatsoever towards her. Ever! No I love you, hugs, kisses, terms of endearment, no money, no gifts, nothing.
I would also start the conversation with my family on next steps that I should do in order to receive as much support from them as possible. I would also be truthful with her family in the reason I’m divorcing her and shine a light on this horrible and disgusting thing.
The one good thing to come out of this are your kids. Make sure they are taken care of and know it isn’t their fault. When someone tells you they don’t love you, believe them. She will only keep hurting you on purpose now that she knows it hurts you. Don’t let her, guard your heart. Good luck.
justforwrong writes:
You're not wrong. Yuck so sorry for this man. It must be very difficult to process that your feelings for her were never given genuinely back by her. Basically the foundation of your whole relationship is aparenty based on a big lie terrible in it's nature.
If she never mentioned her reasoning prior before you got together, for being with you, getting married to you and start a family with you then she is a garbage person for doing this to you and your children. How you put it, she probably never intented to mention this to you ever.
Damn, how selfish are some people. At least some gold diggers for example are open to their motives to get into relationships with certain people. Did she always perfectly kept up the sherade or did she drop some hints that you see now (more clearly)?
It's up to you how you want to proceed after this bomb she threw at you. Good luck to you and your kids anyway. Out of curiosity, did she stay in contact with that ex that you know of?
fetchpriest writes:
I mean, she literally told you she doesn't love you / never did and shouldn't have married you. Of course you should feel hurt. She told you that you checked most of the boxes for her - stable, good mental health, good job, devoted, loyal, generous, safe, perfect father material - but "I love and respect him" wasn't one of them.
She married you for what you could give her - a family - and not for love. Of course you should feel cheated, that's the definition of being used.
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with right now. What she said to you and the damage it's done is irrevocable. She said she loves some deadbeat ex more than the father of her children.
She just ended your relationship. You don't to be with someone who thinks like that or who could fake a marriage for 10 years anyway. It hurts but you will be ok.
You're going to have an amicable co-parenting relationship with your stbx because you are in fact a good father, and you will move on from her, and you will 100% find someone who loves you for you and not just what you can give them. You deserve better than this.