Man is angry with fiancé’s spending habits; considers calling off wedding. AITA?
When this man is concerned about his fiancé’s "reckless" spending, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for being angry at my fiances spending habits?"
My fiance (29F) and I (31M) have been together for 4 years and plan to marry later this year. My fiance graduated last year and is currently working as a junior doctor, and since we're from the UK, her base salary is pretty low. Since we moved in a year ago, we have a joint account that we've split 70/30, to pay for our joint expenses.
My current issue is that her current spending is alarming, and since she's just started working, saving for our future should be her focus right now. She spent around 1K on an iPhone for her dad on Christmas. She also spent a lot on my gifts, and I obviously didn't say anything then.
However, a week ago, for her mum's birthday, she bought a designer bag, and she told me she spent around 4k, and I was shocked. That is such a huge amount of money, and of all things, a bag is what she chooses to waste it on. We are about to get married soon; we have plans to buy a house, start a family, etc, so wasting money like this is ridiculous.
We got into an argument, and her spiel was that her parents had worked incredibly hard and had sacrificed a lot, but they spoiled her regardless, and now that she had a secure job, she wanted to treat them as well, and it was a one-time thing.
For some context, she is an only child, and her parents paid for almost everything until she graduated.
I told her saving for our wedding and future together should be our priority now, not spending frivolously. Her parents both work and are quite wealthy, and I know they can definitely afford these things for themselves.
We got into a big argument, and she's thinks I'm trying to control what she spends her money on. She left to stay with her parents, and she's been there a couple of days. The only communication I have from her is that she's rethinking our engagement right now. Honestly so am I.
I told my friends about my situation, and they all called me an asshole and told me to apologise before things got worse quickly. However, I don't think I'm in the wrong here, and I'm coming here to see what Reddit thinks.
Let's see what readers thought.
hewhoisperson writes:
NTA. 4k is a ton to drop on a gift, and a luxury bag is one of the most ridiculous wastes on Earth. You're literally just paying for a name for other people to see.
Though...you don't say who's contributing 30% and who's contributing 70%. If you're contributing 70% and she's spending a significantly larger percentage of the amount in the account, that needs to be nipped in the bud.
I've found the best division is: expenses are paid jointly, entertainment/gift/personal money separate.
noiseprovesnothing writes:
ESH because the two of you obviously haven't sat down together to talk about how you'll manage your finances - what each contributes to the joint account (living expenses, wedding, future house) and what each retains for their own discretionary spending and how that will change with your changing goals and circumstances.
Once you do that, as long as you stick to the agreement about contribution to the relationship (in cash and in labor), neither of you has any business critiquing what the other does with their discretionary budget.
craftyeffective writes:
YTA. If you feel concerned about the alignment of your financial goals, you sit down to have a discussion to come to a mutual agreement on how to reach those goals. Instead you're calling yourself 'angry' and you had an argument.
You are also, according to your own language 'telling' her what the priorities should be. You're also using extremely judgemental and inflammatory language such as 'choose to waste it on' and that her spending is 'alarming' and 'ridiculous' and 'frivolously' so if that's how you're talking to strangers in your post, I highly doubt you said it any more calmly and respectfully to her.
The fact that she said you're controlling and she is reconsidering your relationship makes me think it was, in fact, way worse. If your fiance were writing in I would tell her to do what she's doing... reconsider.
To fix this is going to take more than an apology. You NEED to be proactive and set up couple's counseling to learn how to communicate properly and take it seriously. It's a partnership, not a dictatorship. Do it now, before it's too late.