'AITA for kicking my GF out in the middle of her graduate school project?' UPDATED
'AITA for kicking my girlfriend out in the middle of her capstone project for graduate school, jeopardizing the future of her degree?'
I (21M) am a twin. We can call my brother Matthew for anonymity's sake. To get ahead of some of the most commonly asked questions - We're identical.
We do things in sync sometimes, but I don't know if it's any more common than two people who just spend a lot of time together and adopt each other's mannerisms. I would absolutely say that the twin intuition thing is real.
We have two older brothers and I love them, but I'm not as close to them as I am Matthew. We have never been away from each other for longer than maybe three days. We don't technically live together but we stay in the same apartment building for college and often just fall asleep at each other's places.
My girlfriend (24F) and I have been long distance for basically our entire relationship. I'm busy with school and the music me and Matthew work on together, she lives about two hours away and is busy with her job and her grad program.
To make a long, somewhat confusing explanation short, she's staying with me for the summer, working shorter hours remotely while she fulfills an in person grad school requirement at the university I currently attend. Most of her grad program has been online, this section is not.
It's her capstone project and doing it during the summer basically means she's doing it in double time so she really has to buckle down and work. I get that. Still, the way she's been treating my brother isn't cool with me.
She often rolls her eyes and shuts herself in our guest bedroom when she comes home and sees that he's over. We smoke together and f*ck around on guitars together while we work on music, things she used to be fond of but now seems to hate.
The final straw came last week when I got a phone call while I was out. She was freaking out. She had refused to let my brother in the apartment so he used the key I had given him, and she lost it. She said her boundaries weren't being respected and that I needed to kick him out. Instead, I told her she needs to leave.
She's furious, saying she can't find somewhere else to stay on such short notice and I'm f*cking up the most important class of her life, saying I'm too codependent on my brother, and that I should have never told her she could stay when I knew she needed to work and I wasn't allowing her to do so. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Brother has no need to be in your apartment when you are not there, and you two can easily jam in his apartment to give her some privacy. YTA for you and your brother.
My seedy mind thinks the brother has been too 'comfy' with the girlfriend, hence the coming over knowing brother isn't there.
Stress from school Distractions from high times and jam sessions that could be in his apartment in the same building. Brother let's himself in when she wouldn't let him in. YTA majorly.
YTA - You made a commitment to your girlfriend to live with you for the summer. It’s mid-July so I assume only 6-7 more weeks. Suck it up! Go stay at your brother’s place & let your girlfriend finish her class.
YTA. If he lives so close, why does he need to be there, especially when you are not there? Why can't you two go to his apartment?
YTA. The two of you are spending your time dicking around and she's trying to work. Then someone who doesn't live there used a key to get into the apartment when he clearly wasn't wanted? Nope. Relationship's over.
YTA double. You knew she was doing something incredibly important and you didn't give a care to her at all. Even if he wasn't a twin he has NO business coming into your place, that you now share, without you there. Nothing wrong with a sibling bond, until it becomes creepy. Also, when you agreed to share it became her place too.
YTA and so is your brother. He has no business being over at your place with her when you're not there.
Grad school is very stressful, it's only for one term, she needs study time, and all the smoking and rocking out has to be distracting at best: why can't that happen at Bro's apartment since you live in the same building?
Dumping someone in the middle of a term, especially one this important, and making them homeless in the process, is like sending a Dear John letter to a soldier deployed in a war zone. You can't come back from this.
When you offer someone a space, there's a basic idea at you'll allow them to feel safe. She obviously didn't feel safe around your brother so you sabotaged her? Man did she chose the worst guy to date. YTA.
Just under 22 hours later, the OP returned with an update.
A solution has been found! All is well. I talked with my parents today about options. Originally I suggested we sublet my brother's place for the summer, but my dad shot that down. Apparently the original renter is still liable for any damages and we didn't know if she might try to f*ck up the place because she was angry about what happened.
They ended up finding a short term lease complex nearby that does month by months rentals. I talked to my ex, apologized for the sh*tty way I kicked her out, and offered this as a solution.
Her name would be on the lease, but my dad would foot the bill. She agreed. She also said she overreacting to what happened with my brother, and that the stress of the semester was getting to her badly. I also apologized for making it more difficult for her to study and work.
So, that's where this story ends. My dad is sorting things out, and she has to place to stay. Life goes on. Maybe stop sending me chat requests saying vile things? That would be appreciated.
Edit to clear up some of the comments on the first post: My brother and I are identical, but there are simple, noticeable ways to tell us apart. It's not even a matter of having to take a second to figure it out, we have aesthetic differences that people clock immediately.
So no, he didn't pretend to be me to get in my ex's pants. You guys watch too many movies.My ex spent a majority of her time while she was working in the guest bedroom.
My brother coming in didn't mean he was trying to spend time with her. She was usually in another room while he was either in the living room or my bedroom.
I understand that some people might find it uncomfortable knowing someone else is in a house at the same time they are, but these weren't close quarters where he was trailing after her, making her feel unsafe purposefully.
He came in and sat on my couch with the assumption that she would be back in the guest room, working as she typically was. I feel like there was a misconception that he forced his way in and was breathing down her neck or something.Consent is obviously always important, as is respecting someone's 'no.'
But these comes in different levels of severity. My brother should have left and waited for me elsewhere. I hate that anyone felt unsafe in my place. That's not going to happen again in the future. But making this out to be a predatory situation is uncool.
If someone with no authority to a place tries to kick you out of it, you're not going to take that 100% seriously when you yourself have some authority over it. My brother looked at it like if one of our friends was invited over and tried to tell one of us to get out of our own apartments. Like, it just doesn't work.
I see everyone's point that this was technically her home for the summer, but I would encourage you to look at it from the point of view of one of your houseguests trying to kick you out of your own bedroom or something equivalent. Is that something you would respect fully.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
You um YTA. Sh sis far away from home. It’s short notice she doesn’t want a man in a house who is not comfortable with it. !! It’s just that simple. Make rules with bro. And do better.
'All is well' my a**, you just cried to your parents until they solved it with money. lmao your parents are paying for 3 apartments now, you guys are just spoiled babies.
happy for her to be an ex at least. hope she finds someone better and will treat her with respect. it's also sad at this point in the story that you couldn't come up with a solution and had to beg your father to clean up your mess... you certainly were not held accountable.
dude. what? you could have just hung out at your brothers place. Now your dad is paying 3x rent because your brother is an a**hole.
Dated a twin once, never again. You feel like you're third wheeling in their relationship 😅. YTA.