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'WIBTA if I left my fiancée destitute? I want her to suffer.' CONCLUDED

'WIBTA if I left my fiancée destitute? I want her to suffer.' CONCLUDED

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"WIBTA if I left my fiancee destitute?"

I might not be in the right state of mind, but I had to get this off my chest. Two days ago, I came back from basketball, a little early. I overheard my fiancee (J) tell her friend that she is settling for me. This friend just got out of a relationship.

I don't know what they were talking about before, but I just heard J saying that after all the a**@oles she dated, settling for me will be good for her. She then went on to describe my job and and all the perks of being with me. Love is apparently not on the list. Hearing this kinda broke me. I just stood in place dumbfounded. I don't even think she even loves me.

For context, we live in a beach house (I bought it as a total gut job and renovated it myself) and I have several other properties that are all rented out. I work in property insurance from home and do house flips on the side. I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished so far in my life.

All of this was worth mentioning for J, but not how much I loved her. Not how much time we spent together. Not how I tried to be supportive of her goals and ambitions, just how she wanted for nothing. I'm not going to lie, I was in a bad place. Maybe I still am.

I spent all of last night going though her messages. I knew her password, I just never looked. Well, it's a pretty common thing for her to say. Pretty much all her friends know what's up. J wants a 'nice, normal guy' after all the a**#oles she dated. She wants a drama-free life where she'll be taken care of.

Every time I read what she really thought about me, it was like another needle was being jammed in my heart. My first reaction was to yell at her and confront her about it. My second reaction was to make her suffer like I am.

My dear J, the love of my life, I thought, doesn't work right now. She quit to be a real estate agent. I don't know, maybe she wanted to learn more about real estate, maybe she thought her looks would get her by. She doesn't work right now. 0. Not at all.

She also lives in my house. She decorated it and certainly put her touches on everything, but my name is on the title. Just mine. Her car is technically mine too. She didn't qualify for financing on her own, and she just had to have a Beamer, so I cosigned it.

I can probably make a case that it is my car. We don't have joint accounts (Thank the Almighy himself, because she did ask), I pay her cards right now. I want to just show her the texts, throw her s@*t in garbage bags and put her out on the street. WIBTA if I did that?

Here are some comments from readers after this initial post:

No_Scarcity8249

Nope. NTA. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Fortunately .. you found out before you became even more entangled or married. It seriously sucks and it’ll probably be a while before you can throw her out. You’ll probably have to evict her. A BMW? Really? She’s got expensive taste huh? Well.. guess who shouldn’t settle? You dude. You can do a whole lot better and I seriously doubt she can.

soumokil

Right? OP should ask himself if his partner would stay if he lost everything? Would she step up and support if he decided to go back to school to fulfill a dream or change careers? That's what a true partner would do and it doesn't sound like she would.

OP proivded some more infortmation when they realized how much attention their post was getting:

Edit: Holy s@*t, I did not expect so many responses. Thank you everyone for your advise and kind words. I will talk to J sometime over the weekend. I think she picked up that something was up. I didn't call her from work like I usually do, and last couple of nights I made an excuse that I was beat and went to bed pretty early.

I'll try to read as many replies and provide more information. But I wanted to clarify a couple of things. Regardless of how sh*tty I feel, I didn't like people calling J nasty names. It's partly my fault, I didn't give enough detail.

Before quitting, she had a decent enough job. She's not good at managing money at all, but she would buy stuff for the house or gifts for me on special occasions. I never thought of her as a gold digger.

She talked to me about quitting and trying to be a real estate agent. She told me she liked the freedom of the profession and I tried to be supportive. Secondly, I don't think I misunderstood her meaning. Maybe she didn't mean it as a negative, but the messages were crystal clear. She settled for me.

Here are some comments after OP provided a bit more context:

Status-Pattern7539

Nta. You aren’t leaving her destitute. Think of it as you leaving her with exactly what she brought into the relationship. You’re not married. You don’t have kids. You saw love and she saw a piggy bank. She didn’t quit her job to try something else. That was her excuse so that she could get you to support her jobless a**.

Fair-Key4841

'I overheard half a conversation and eagerly jumped to conclusions. Instead of talking to my fiancee about it, I invaded her privacy and I'm now planning to financially ruin her life to get revenge for this emotional slight!' YTA idc what reddit says.

PossumPrincess13

I’m so sorry you’re treating this woman so wonderfully and she is just using you.

3 days later OP returned with an update:

Hi, everyone. Thank you to everyone for your advise and kind words. Here is the update. I talked to J. I told her how I overheard her talking. How she is settling for me. I told her how that felt and what kind of mood I was in after. She had tears rolling down her face as I was telling her how I felt. She didn't say anything for a bit.

Then she just said, I'm sorry. It was true when we started dating. She just heard from [mutual friend] that I was great and she thought she'd give me a chance. She said, in the beginning it was about feeling safe, and feeling like she could be supported and loved.

In the beginning, it was just being with someone who had their sh*t together and would be good for her. Eventually, she fell in love. She loved me dearly.

This didn't make me feel better. I then told her about the text messages. This is when she got angry. I was an a**hole for going though her messages. Violation of privacy. Betrayal of trust. How dare I? I didn't set out to get her password. She's just extremely careless with it.

She hits 'remember password' on everything. When she types it out, she hits 'show password first.' If you happened to be glancing at the screen you'd know what it was. That's how I found out. I've never thought to use it until that day.

Eventually, after going on about reading her messages she stopped and was sobbing for a minute. Finally she just goes, what do you want me to say? 'I can't help how I feel.' I wasn't the type she'd go for before. She's still attracted to those types of guys.

She's just older now, and knows better. That's why she's settled with me. She loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

That doesn't work for me. I told her, we had different ideas about what a relationship, especially marriage is. The trust is broken for both of us. I went though her messages, she settled for me even though I'm not her type. This is where we go our separate ways.

We agreed eventually that she will stay with one of her friends. I'll move all her stuff to the spare bedroom. When she finds a place, I'll help her move. She can keep the car. I was just being an a**hole about leaving her destitute.

She was crying from the moment we started talking to the moment we went into separate rooms. It wasn't easy seeing her like that. I wanted to go to her and hold her, but it had to be done. When I closed the door to my room, that's when all the emotions washed over me.

I was bawling the whole time. The sheets still smelled like her and I either couldn't or didn't want to change them just then. I feel sh*tty and I won't be ok for a while.

But I am pretty certain I did the right thing. I read a lot of comments on the old post, and it shocked me. Truly, I was a little taken aback with how many comments I saw from women that said they did the same thing. They settled for their current SO after going though a bunch of guys that were more their type. To me that's...super f*%$ed?

Like if your partner knows and you're both cool with it, fine I guess, live your life. But to me that's gross. If you settle with your SO for safety, comfort, financial calculus that's what an arranged marriage is?

You want the benefits of an arranged marriage without any of the obligations of one. If you can pull it off more power to you, but that's not something that interests me at all.

I also read a whole bunch of 'get an ironclad prenup.' I understand the thinking, but I don't want to do that. Maybe I'm too quixotic and old-fashioned, but starting a life long commitment with a plan on how to end it doesn't seem right.

I guess it's something I'll have to pay attention to more going forward. Thank you again everyone. If there are any updates to be had, I'll post again. But that's it.

Here are some comments from readers after this update:

photoquestionsonly

'I'll help her move. She can keep the car.' Dude, for the love of god, stop simping for this parasite. What's next? Paying her security deposit, paying her rent? She's crying because she lost her meal ticket, that's all. She doesn't love you, never did, never will. She deserves to be destitute.

TrickyMarketing7394

I second. Take the car. You’re going to be paying for it. Take it. Only help her move to make sure your shit doesnt “accidentally” get moved too. My friend. I know you want to be the nice guy here. You cant. And for the love of God do not sleep with this woman again. Just the tip and she has you again. Just don’t. Take care and good luck.

False_Risk296

You co-signed for the car so your name is still on it. If you let her keep the car and she causes a really bad accident that is over insurance limits, you might get sued. That will put your home and businesses at risk.

One month later OP gave a final update:

It's been like a month since I posted my story and I've gotten so many messages asking for an update. I appreciate everyone's well wishes and thoughts. I'll update everyone on what happened since, although it's nothing dramatic.

My friends all came around to check on me. This went about as you would expect. Many adult beverages were consumed. Many offers to go to adult establishments were made. A group of us made plans to tailgate on opening day of the college football season at the local university. People showed up, brought too much food and drinks. It was a blast.

One of them found my Reddit post and showed it to everyone else. There was maybe half an hour of "Dude, are you okay?" and "I'm here for you, bro" before the post became a source of light roasting. "We should let OP pick what we order for dinner, we wouldn't want him to settle." All in good fun. They helped me through it, and I appreciate that I have them in my life.

J is fine, I guess. We've texted a little, but mostly to check on each other. Some of our mutual friends say she's pretty broken up and still don't understand what it is she did wrong. It was also a sentiment expressed in the comments a lot. I thought through this a lot more since then and it all comes down to expectations.

It's all well and good to be pragmatic or to do the safe and practical thing. But you can't do that forever. If you're sensible with your money, you live within your means, do all the right things and such, you'll still get that itch or impulse to buy something that you don't need but you want.

You can resist it for months, years but eventually you give in. What happens when you follow that impulse in a relationship that you're being pragmatic about. That's what I didn't want.

Not to mention that if J or anyone is settling for financial reasons, I'm not rich by any means. I couldn't stop working tomorrow and be set. I'm working toward that goal, but I'm not there yet. Every piece of property I bought was either uninhabitable or outdated. That's the only way I can afford it.

There is people that own a modest <1000 sq. foot apartment in NYC, whose property is worth more than all of mine combined. If you want to settle for financial security, there's plenty of men that earn more than me, by easier means. If that's the main motivator, what will happen when one of those dudes comes along.

There was a lot of head shaking in the comments about how immature I'm being and how real life isn't like Romeo and Juliet. Well, maybe that's true and I'm being unrealistic. I'm not looking for Juliet. But sticking with literature, I also don't want a Scheherazade, spinning me tales. I definitely don't want to be Menelaus.

Finally, I decided to sell the house. The amount of upkeep, time and money needed to maintain it is now, not worth it. The insurances are getting out of hand too. I never considered it before, because J loved the place.

But now, there is no reason not to go through with it. I think that's it. I don't expect anything else to happen regarding J, so this might be it. Thank you to everyone who messaged me, to everyone who offered advise or encouragement.

So, do you think the OP is justified in his actions after what he heard and read from his fiancée regarding how she felt about him or should he consider the fact that his fiancée saw him for the wonderful man he is and wanted to fix her toxic cycle of bad relationships?

Here's what people had to say after the final update:

Any-Pension-4382

Sounds like you made a mature decision that you are satisfied with and handled it. I have to tell you that in my male friendships nothing says I’m here for you like making fun of the elephant in the room, ie: saying it out loud to help the healing start. I’ve always appreciated my guy friends for that even if it stings a bit.

Bubbly-Bubble518

I remember reading your post awhile back. We all “settle” in some form or another but I understand where you’re coming from. I think you made the right decision bc the person we end up marrying is supposed to be our ride or die for life. The way J described settling for you isn’t conducive for a life long commitment.

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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