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Man pissed there's no food at home; says GF should have 'told him to buy food.'

Man pissed there's no food at home; says GF should have 'told him to buy food.'

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AITA for refusing to tell my bf whenever something has to be done in the house

I (F24) have been living with my bf (M26) for 6 months. I work full time, my bf doesn’t.

Issue: Since we’ve started living together, I’ve done 90% of the chores. I have complained to my bf a few times, telling him I would really appreciate if he could help me and that I would like to come back from work to a clean house.

My bf has always been willing to help, the issue is that he wants me to tell him whenever I want him to do something. Aka, he wants me to tell him when I want him to cook, clean ect…

A few weeks ago, I started cleaning our apartment on the weekend. I was pretty pissed as I had a very long and stressful week at work. During the week, a pile of dirty clothes had pilled up and a bunch of dirty dishes was in the kitchen. I was pissed that my bf stays at home all day and didn’t clean neither the dishes nor the dirty clothes.

While I was cleaning, my bf came to me and told me he was angry that I didn’t tell him I was cleaning, so because I didn’t tell him, he wasn’t able to help me. I broke down and told him I can’t always tell him what to do, that I’m not his mother and that he should be autonomous at his age. After all this, he called me an AH and said I didn’t know how to communicate.

At the time of this incident, I was also pretty sick. We had nothing in the fridge (I didn’t have time during the week to do grocery shopping as I had been doing 9-7 all week at work). After our fight, I went to take a nap as I had a fever. I woke up in the evening to my bf being pissed because he was hungry and complaining that there was no food in the fridge.

I asked him why he didn’t go grocery shopping and cook something and he said he didn’t think of doing it and I should tell him that I wanted him to go buy us food. I broke down again and another fight started. I told him that he couldn’t blame me for being hungry when I am already doing all the chores and feel sick.

Again, he called me an AH. He said that he is 100% willing to help, but I need to tell him what to do. I don’t agree with the fact that I should tell him whenever I want him to do something and because of that, my bf thinks I’m the AH. So, dear redditors, AITA?

Edit: I did try to ask him what to do once. An evening I asked him to do laundry the next day. He said he will do it and also go buy a few groceries the next day. I came back home the next day and he hadn’t done the laundry nor the grocery shopping. After that, we got into a fight and I stopped asking him to do things

Here's what people had to say:

freckyfresh writes:

INFO: why doesn’t he work? What does he do all day while you are pulling these long hours? Seems like if he isn’t going to keep up the house day to day, he should be the one working. I don’t get this dynamic. NTA, OP. This is full blown malicious incompetence. Is this really how you want to live your life? With an overgrown toddler?

throwaway_lost23 OP:

He’s looking for a job right now. We’re both living abroad so it’s pretty tough to find a job with the visa we have. I managed to find one but he still hasn’t. No idea what he does all day, usually applies for jobs, goes see friends, watches Netflix ect

Primary-Criticism929 writes:

NTA. I was going to say that his mother probably always did everything for him but then you talked about the empty fridge and all I could think was : Does he have mental issues ? How does he not think about going grocery shopping when there's nothing in the fridge ? Maybe he should see a doctor.

If he refuses to see one or that it turns out he just needs another mommy, just dump him.

throwaway_lost23 OP:

He comes from a very rich family, and grew up with maids doing everything around the house so I do understand that he’s not used to/doesn’t know how to take care of a home. It’s just overwhelming to me that he doesn’t realize that I can’t always tell him what to do even though he’s willing to help

Heavy-Attorney-9054 writes:

He's going to want you to tell him when the baby's diaper needs to be changed. There are men in the world who are not like this. When you start interviewing for your next BF, test for awareness of domestic responsibilities before sleeping with him. Saves a ton of time.

throwaway_lost23 OP:

How would you test awareness of domestic responsibilities? When I met my bf, he often told me he is the kind of person to help his partner and that he would never let me do everything alone (lol) so could definitely use some tips

Creepy_Addict writes:

NTA. Move TF out, asap.

You are not his mother or his keeper. Was his apartment a mess before you moved in? Did he have no food? Weaponized incompetence - a form of abuse Does he have a job? If not, he should be doing more chores and not have to be told to them like a child. Hell, even my child will get his own food.

throwaway_lost23 OP:

I am considering breaking up because of this. He doesn’t work right now so that is putting me off. When I met him, he would mostly eat takeaways. I can’t afford to order food everyday so now I’m mostly cooking for the both of us

PotentialUmpire1714 writes:

NTA. You're working more hours, doing 90% of the housework, and he won't help unless you give him a direct order AND when you do, he still won't do it? Yeah, he's just looking for someone to clean up after him. He's defective, should still be under warranty at 6 months. Return him and get another.

Update from OP after reading the comments:

Thanks for all the comments. I learned quite a lot about the mental load and weaponized incompetence (never heard those words before). I will set up a ‘chores chart’ and give it a month, if nothing changes, I’ll leave.

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