Man tries to hide unemployment from wife, she thinks he's cheating. AITA? UPDATED
No one wants to disappoint their partner.
But hiding problems from the person you love almost always creates even more issues. One man reached out to Reddit to ask for advice after he was let go from his job. He didn't know how to tell his wife. He continued to pretend to go to work but when you share a life with someone, you know when something is amiss. Without the information that she would have needed to know how to help him, she suspected the worst.
I (37M) losr my job 2 weeks ago and I still haven't told my wife. I think she suspects I am having an affair.
First of all no I am not having an affair. I love my wife (35F) and I will not do something so vile like that. My wife and I have been married for 8 years now. Together we have a 4 year old daughter and a newborn son of 10 months old.
Recently the company I used to work for suffered a huge loss so they had to lay off a lot of the employees. I was shocked. I didn't tell my wife about it. I am in a lot of stress with no job and 2 kids in this economy would be difficult.
My wife recently joined the workforce after staying at home after the birth. I have always been a primary breadwinner of our family. I made good money. My wife earned less than I did so I took the role of primary provider.
Now that I have lost my job there will be money trouble for a while. We do have savings but without a steady income it will be hard. Like I said I have yet to tell my wife. I don't know how she will react.
Of course she will be sad and I am afraid it is going to put a strain in our relationship. I am afraid she will stop seeing me as a man and resent me because I cannot fulfill my role as a husband and a father anymore. It has been 2 weeks.
That means two weeks where I just pretend to go to work but again I just go to the local park and sit there. I either read or search for other jobs. I come home at the time I usually would come home.
My wife did notice I have been depressed lately and we haven't been intimate. She asked me if something is wrong? I said nothing. Last night she asked me if I didn't love her anymore, my heart just dropped. I think she thinks I am having an affair. But I cannot tell her that I got fired. What should I do?
Here were the top comments from concerned readers:
1st of all man, very sorry, that's a very crappy situation to be in. But you should have told your wife when you got laid off. Keeping something like this is not gonna make it any better. This is something that you just can't continue to prolong, you must tell her.
Especially because finances are gonna be super tight she needs to know, so she can be a little more careful with the spending. As far as viewing you as a man, things happen, it wasn't your fault. It's not like you got yourself fired.
Dude's reading articles about how his wife's gonna leave him for being unemployed and not noticing her thinking he's having an affair might ruin his marriage.
She most likely would have helped you with your job search and it could have eliminated some of the stress the past 2 weeks. Not Married, but I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we're planning on getting engaged next year. 2 years ago he was laid off, he called me crying.
I just walked him through it, and told me it was gonna be OK. Helped him find a new vision. He is now in that career currently. I wish you the best of luck with finding a new job, having to kids, especially a young one is very difficult to be unemployed. But you need to speak to your wife immediately.
Tell her and explain your fear. IT’s a situation outside of your control but you can control the level of trust and transparency you have in your relationship. Show her this post even. Best of luck to you ❤️
It is going to put a strain on your relationship because you’ve hidden it for so long instead of telling her when it happened. You may not be having an affair but you are doing a good job at shattering any trust she has in you.
Grow up and stop hiding. Now you are a liar for pretending for two weeks.
A week later, the OP returned:
I tried to make an update but the mods removed it. I am really thankful for this people in subreddit for knocking some sense into me. I talked to my wife I told her that I got laid off 2 weeks ago.
I opened up to her about my own insecurities that I feel completely worthless because I promised her that I will provide for her and she never has to worry a day in her life. That now that i do not have a job I felt out of place and a little ashamed that I have let her down.
Well she headbutted me with her plushie and said I am an idiot and I have hurt her by making her think that I was having an affair. I told her that I would never do that to her. I love her so much. I asked for her forgiveness and she says as long as I am not having an affair she doesn't care.
We talked about it a lot. She reassured me just because I do not have a job at the moment, she doesn't see me as any less of a man. She says I can still provide for my family. We talked about the finances and she told me she would earn for both of us from now and told me not to be too hard on myself.
I need a break after grinding and sacrificing my hours. She also told a story that when we were first dating I helped her pay her bills for 3 months and she promised that she would pay me back. She said that it her turn to support us.
I have decided that I should rest now. I have been so wrapped up because of my job I hardly made time for my kids. I am kinda enjoying it. I spend more time with my kids. We do have enough saving to get us by for quite sometimes.
In the meantime, I would look for another job. I guess I let my insecurities get the best of me. Thank you reddit.
Here were the top comments from readers after the final update:
Communication is key. It solves so many problems in relationships. Happy for them both.
This is a great example of why feminism is for everybody. Dude wouldn’t have felt so compelled to lie about something that isn’t his fault (it’s not like he got fired due to incompetence, he got laid off) if being a monetary provider hasn’t been such a massive part of his self identity. He let the loss of that title eclipse the other things that he still is (husband, partner, etc).
So glad they talked, it's the best way to address problems & issues. It's a partnership and you should be able to fave trouble together. I know that's the ideal; but that's the goal.
I'd be more annoyed with my husband if he lost his job, didn't tell me and then pretended to be at work all day instead of staying home and helping with cleaning and child rearing.
i do not get people. 90% of posts anywhere are like “i need advice” and the answer is just talk. just freaking communicate. communication is key and i have no fucking idea how people don’t do that?! “reddit you’ve knocked some sense into me… i must talk to my wife” yeah bro a 3 year old would’ve known that.