Man tells GF she's not depressed she's just lazy, he gets called out. CONCLUDED
"AITA for telling my girlfriend that being depressed is not an excuse for being lazy?"
I(29) have always supported my girlfriend (23). We have been together for four years now, and lived together for one. She has always had anxiety, as well as depression where some months are worse than others. I have supported her through all of this, and understand it is very hard for her.
In January she lost her job due to the current world circumstances. By march she hit a low point with not eating as much, crying, irritability - typical traits of depression. I have comforted her as much as possible, and taken care of everything.
However, at the beginning of June I was allowed back to work, and since the house has fallen to shambles. I am too tired by the time I come home to do anything, even cook. Most nights we order take out, and on the rare occasion she makes food.
The floors aren't being washed, hoovering isn't being done, laundry is a mountain, and dishes are everywhere. I try to keep on top of it, but with work it is almost impossible.
She is home...all day. She lies in bed till late afternoon, watches netflix, eats bowls of cereal, and naps. That's about it.
I've tried to gently coax her to do more, and she says she will get to it but never does. I finally snapped, told her I was sick of her doing nothing all day and leaving the housework to me. That if she is here and I am working, she needs to be pulling her weight.
She got upset, and said that she wants to but she can never find the motivation. That she is tired all the time.
I said I understood she was depressed, but it isn't an excuse to do nothing and be lazy. No one likes housework, but I wont take any more excuses about it. She needs to start doing it or leave.
Next day I come home to a clean house and a note from her saying she was sorry, and is going to stay with her mother (her mom helped her clean before they left). I tried calling but she wouldn't pick up. When I rang the house, her mother answered and had a lot to say.
She was furious. Telling me about how she is struggling and I am making her worse. That I should be supporting her not ignoring that she is in a bad place. And so on. I was told my gf had been crying all day in her bedroom, and I feel awful. I never wanted to hurt her, I just snapped. I tried to get her mother to give my gf the phone but she wouldn't speak to me.
It feels like a lose - lose situation. On one hand I know depression results in lack of motivation and cleanliness. And on the other I can't stand to see our home in such chaos.
I've never had depression so I can't say for sure how bad it truly is. That's why I find it more difficult to 100% empathise. AITA for telling her depression isn't an excuse?
Extra info:
she has a therapist and talks regularly with them
her depression is worse since losing her job. Usually she is quite clean and tidy. We dont usually have this issue.
she is looking for a job despite depression etc. I have enough money to support us both in the mean time.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's initial post:
NAH. I feel for both you and her. It's not easy dealing with someone who has depression just as it's not easy for that person to be dealing with the depression. It's not fair on you to bear that emotionally and it's not fair to her to have someone pushing her.
I think you both need to reevaluate and probably take a break or just break up. She doesn't seem ok to be in a relationship right now with what she's dealing with.
Tbh I'm surprised OP didn't pitch doing housework as a means to combat depression. Just doing a couple tasks a day can stave off feeling down. For example, clean the kitchen on Monday, get groceries on Tuesday, etc. That'd have been an approach to a solution that would have met both sides' needs.
Depression is a gluttonous beast. When it drains the primary victim to a barely functioning husk of a person, it gets hungry and starts to feed off the energy of those close to the victim. To keep this supply going, it manipulates the victim into as you said 'lose-lose-lose' situations so it can stuff itself on the sadness and distress.
I have it. I hate it. I live with it. This isn't a you vs her cleaning issue as much as it is the issue of everyone here (including her therapist from your comments) underestimated the depression. It is far more diabolical than people want to admit because it's honestly terrifying.
Since the depression is so strong right now, personifying it can be helpful. It's the 3rd player on the 4D emotional chess board here, manipulating pieces and moves so it can continue to feast merrily.
Practical advice: follow the other commenters' advice to eat your crow while it's fresh and apologize for snapping. It is unfair for you to carry the whole load indefinitely. But empathy and strategy will serve you better here than being right.
A little over a month later, OP returned with an update:
Ultimately I realise that the majority of the blame was mine. I never EVER should have called her lazy because that isn't what she is. I lashed out and I shouldn't have.
She stayed at her mother's for a few days, and we eventually met up to talk. I told her how it just got too much for me, but it was no excuse for lashing out and I apologised. She apologised also, not that she needed to, and we talked for a long while about how we can make our relationship work.
I expressed my concerns over her therapist who is very against anything other than talking therapy. She agreed that he didn't seem to really have her best interests at heart and she is currently looking for someone new.
For now, I suggested she stops looking for work. She got a lot of rejections and I could see it was upsetting her more. I just felt we should take a step back from that and I want her to focus a little more on herself.
She was unsure as she felt bad that I would be working for both of us, but I assured her it is fine. (I make enough to support us both quite comfortably). I also suggested maybe she could volunteer at some point just to get her out and get some more stuff on her resume.
I'm no therapist so these were just suggestions, but it has seemed to have taken some of the pressure off her which is all I wanted.
We agreed that being in the apartment all day alone and in bed is not good for her. So, we came up with a plan that she do an exercise video 3 times a week (it's only a 10 minute one), just so she is doing something. She has found she likes doing them, they make her feel a bit better after, and has started something called Yin Yoga now too.
To help me, she has ONE chore a day to do. I don't care what it is. It could be dishes or it could just be putting the laundry in the hamper. This rule has at least gotten her out of bed for part of the day and she's found that once she starts she sometimes ends up doing more than one thing. I make sure to show my appreciation for whatever she has done, no matter how small it was.
We have set out that every sunday we will have a deep cleaning day where we get everything done for the week. This has been surprisingly successful. We make it fun and just mess around while still getting things done. It makes the week a lot more manageable when we only have light chores to keep on top of.
She is trying more, and I am also working on being more supportive about her depression. I'm researching it more, and learning ways I can help her because it is a part of her. We are both putting more effort in and communicating a lot better. I hope we keep making progress because I do love her very much and want us to work.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after hearing from the OP again:
It's so nice when these things have a happy ending! Good job on working on your issues and communicating properly! <3
This does seem like a great example of a couple coming together to talk about their issues!
Not only that but they gave each other space and waited for cooler heads to prevail so they could talk honestly and without tempers flaring. They get an A+++++. They’re going to make it - I can tell.
Great to hear. Depression-induced inability to get out of bed is a vicious circle, and having you there to help her both be accountable but also as her support is super important - its good to see that you've been able to change your behaviour which in turn will help her as well.
If she's enjoying doing online fitness and yin yoga, I highly recommend the Youtube channel Yoga with Adrienne - she does a lot of slow yin style lessons, in addition to specific ones for people with depression and anxiety that are great.
I’m glad that you’ve found this balance. I do think you are being hard on yourself as well. Are you familiar with the concept of caregiver fatigue? It sounds like you unknowingly assigned yourself as her caregiver which is incredibly taxing, especially when it just sort of happened as opposed to knowingly taking on the job.
Living with someone with mental health issues has its own set of challenges. You should seriously look into getting your own therapist to help you handle that responsibility and manage your own well-being.
Per usual, the real a**hole is depression. F*ck depression. It sucks.
Depression and one unhelpful therapist.
yeah im really side eyeing her therapist. His patient ends up in a really bad depressive episodes and the only thing they do is talk? Nothing else.... he really failed her.
People need to realize therapists can and should be changed if they aren't working. Obviously you can't expect miracles and demand to see change by session 2, but after so many months and a therapist that's insistent the gf do nothing... that's not working.
Gf is lucky oop decided to stick by her. Yes it is the depressions fault, but that doesnt mean oop is obligated to shoulder everything on his own. Oop would have been right to quit to protect his own well being. I hope gf realizes how good she has it and appreciates him more.