'AITA for refusing to lower the volume of my voice when I'm happy?'
"AITA for refusing to lower the volume of my voice when I'm happy?"
I am Latina and he's from a country were people are more quiet. My husband been irritable lately, I asked him what was going on and he said that whenever I'm with my family and I get happy or excited I get very loud and the noise hurts his ears and it makes him irritable. Hence, why he gets rude.
I told him he was being unreasonable and he should suck it up, if he thinks the noise is too loud he should leave the room, but not tell me to keep it down when I'm with my family and friends.
I told him, it's cool if he gives me a signal to keep the volume lower when I'm with his friends and family but not when I'm with mine. My family and friends are the few spaces where I can safely and comfortably be my loud latina self.
He thinks I'm being an AH for refusing to lower my voice when he's around with my friends and family, that is not too much to ask because my loud voice hurts his ears, but for me the volume of my voice is a pivotal part of my expression. I told him no, that he should suck it up or leave the room. Am I the AH?
And after a barage of questions and comments, she updated her post. Eight times.
Edit: Yes, Im just loud when Im with my family and friends, not when its just him and I. I told him to tell me when Im being loud on the phone at home.
Edit 2: most of family are loud, I ask him about a particular aunt who is incredibly loud and famous in the family for being so, he said her loudness doesn't bug him or the rest, just my loudness.
Edit 3: This loudness doesn't happen in our home, it happens in my parents home or at my family members' homes. No one ever comes and visit, and he's not obliged to come to family gatherings, I told him he can leave the room but he's embarrassed that my family will know that he's leaving the room because he doesn't like loudness.
Edit 4: We've been together for 10 years and yes, I was loud from the very start.
Edit 5: I am not loud when we fight, I am the complete opposite Im quiet and calm.
Edit 6: Redundant and necessary, loudness only happens when I'm happy and exited.
Edit 7: For those who say that being Latina has nothing to do with loudness, since I was a child I've been going to markets where there's tens of people asking the person for something, the only way to buy your stuff is getting louder and asking for it. It is a cultural thing, if many of you are half latinos but weren't raised in a latin country then you probably missed out this.
In school tienditas with zillions of kids and everybody screaming at the same time to order their food. Family gatherings is speaking over the other person to be able to talk, we don't see it wrong it is part of the culture, different to those in the northern hemisphere.
Edit 8: He's not autistic.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
From toasksillyquestions:
I am latina . If the party it's at my family's home. We are loud. If you don't like it . You can go ahead and leave.
buymeventistarbucks responds:
Sure, your partner’s physical comfort means nothing. People being loud as a personality trait is so annoying. Grow up.
okaydehn is team OP:
She's catering to her partner already by adjusting around HIS family to suit their dynamic. So why does she then need to also change HER family's dynamic for him? Can't he also compromise a bit and let her have loud time with her family who also enjoy being noisy?
Also something 'hurting your ears' is often just to say that it's annoying or obnoxious. If it is legitimately causing him PHYSICAL ear pain, he should be checking into why that is via a doctor. NTA (Not the a-hole). OP offered and is happy to implement compromise and noise limitations elsewhere, but her family's entire dynamic doesn't need to change to be about him.
It’s funny. There is no fundamental right answer to this. Do the needs (in this case habits) of the many outway the needs of the few? Ideally, a loving partner would try to ease the pain the other partner is experiencing. We can also say a loving partner shouldn’t want to change their partner.
The guy could sit a little farther away so his ears don’t hurt. She could lower it a bit to the point where they don’t hurt anymore. It may also just be a the guy is annoyed and plainly disliked their loud speaking and is using “it hurts” as a way to change the behavior he doesn’t like. Do intentions matter when asking someone to change behavior?
I personally don’t think he gets to dictate how everyone interacts with each other; I do however think that if it is genuinely hurting his ears (can’t imagine why, maybe they’re in a car or small room?) then do what she can to mitigate that ear pain by changing as little as she can. (Face away from him when talking, sit a foot or two farther, lower voice slightly.. idk)
Frequent_Ad_3797 shares:
I'm an Italian and our whole family is loud. That being said when people have asked me to lower my voice, I do so out of courtesy. Not everyone is as loud as me. Look, OP it's totally okay to be loud but it's equally okay for someone to feel it's too loud. I think YTA (you're the a-hole) and so is your husband. Meet in the middle and compromise somewhere.
awgeezwhatnow disagrees:
Nope, he married her knowing who she is. Some people are just loud. I personally don't like being around it, but I'm sure not going to ask people to change a life-long way of being just because I've suddenly decided to make it an issue.
Big-Question3105 writes:
NTA. This doesn’t make sense. He’s ok with your loud Aunt but wants you to be quiet? That’s odd. He needs to explain exactly what it is that bothers him about you being loud.
OP responded:
He generally hates it when I get too happy, passionate or exited, I don't know why.
And HERE is it; the reason only your volume annoys him. Because he's fine if your aunt is happy and loud, or any of your other family members, but doesn't want you happy.
It's all about control, the husband is trying to make it seem like she's such a problem that she needs to change her personality. Source: personal experience.
Anytime I was happy or excited about something and would want to share it with my then husband, sure, my voice would get a bit louder or whatever because I was happy, he would cover his ears and proclaim 'you're yelling! you're yelling!' then refuse to listen to my good news because I offended his delicate sensibilities.
This goes on long enough it erodes your self-esteem and pretty soon you've lost any sense of self and you're more easily manipulated by someone playing the long game to control every part of you.
OP needs to watch out, because next it'll be he doesn't want your loud family around, then OP is effectively isolated. OP, who is NTA, should tell her asshat husband to get bent, but very loudly...