Man tells sister's boyfriend to NOT ask in-laws for money for their wedding. AITA?
When this man is annoyed with his sister's boyfriend, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for telling my sister's boyfriend not to ask my in-laws for money for their wedding?"
I'm married. My wife comes from an upper middle-class background. Her parents are retired, but were both moderately high earners. I think most of their money comes from inheritance her father's family were big in Texas oil and her mother's family were brokers in NY.
Thus, we stand to inherit an unknown but presumably large amount of money from them. I come from a working class background. My parents were not and are not high earners. I had to take out loans and work through college.
My wife and I are not high earners, but we are debt free and we save and are planning to retire early as well as pay fully pay for our son's college. Her family also helps us out financially and we are able save more than others would.
My sister started dating a guy about 5 years ago. He comes from a similar socio-economic background as my family. There have been a few minor things that have happened that have made me wonder if he is the right person for my sister and some of those revolve around money.
I've mentioned our finances in passing to him, so he knows about our financial situation and he knows that my wife's family has more money than my family or his.
The minor things I mentioned are basically making jokes (I think they're jokes?) about buying him extravagant gifts or paying for trips for him and my sister. It makes my wife and I feel uncomfortable, but we don't say anything.
So the other day he calls and says he is planning to propose to my sister this holiday season. "That's great! Very happy for you!" He tells me not to tell anyone because he wants it to be a surprise.
Then he starts talking about his wedding plans. They sound pretty extravagant. I'm not surprised... he makes ok money and he tends to spend it all on things he likes.
Then he asks, "What do you think about asking your wife's parents to help pay for the wedding?" Basically, his family doesn't have money and neither does mine and he wants my sister to have a nice wedding.
I tell him no, I won't ask them to do that. He asks if I'd ask my wife to approach. I tell him no, she won't feel comfortable either. He asks if it's ok for HIM to ask them, basically... "Will you be upset if I ask them?" I say, yea, no, I don't want you to ask my wife's family for money. He says ok and hangs up.
I feel like it's incredibly inappropriate to ask this of me. He's only even met my in-laws a handful of times. I'm confident if he asked my in-laws, not only would they refuse, it would have a negative impact on our relationship with them. I'm also thinking, "WTF!? How is this normal? Is this a HUGE red flag about this person?"
Then I also think he's relatively young, he doesn't come from money, so maybe he doesn't realize how inappropriate this is. Also, my wife and I have money... not because we've earned it, but because my wife has family money.
Is it messed up for me to just hoard our money because we have financial goals to retire early, live comfortably, and make sure our son wants for nothing? AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
glindathewitch writes:
NTA for thinking his request is inappropriate, because it is. But, you need to stop talking about your in law’s financial situation. It’s not your business and you have no right to discuss it with others. You are right to think it could have a negative impact on you relationship with them.
You say you have money because your in laws have money but have you ever heard the old saying, don’t count your chickens before they hatch. It’s entirely possible that there will be little or no money left when they pass on due to medical needs or financial issues.
neoncactusfills writes:
NTA - and yeah, this IS a major red flag. It's so innapropriate that I think you absolutely need to tell your sister. Also, if you think there is ANY chance that he will go behind your back and contact your in-laws to ask them, then I'd beat him to the punch.
Your wife should warn her parents and let them know that you emphatically told him no, but he doesn't seem to understand why it is so innapropriate, and you just want to give them a heads-up in case he does end up asking.
maximumflu writes:
You should tell your in-laws that they are likely to hear from your future BIL, even though you asked him not to contact them, or they will think that you suggested it! No one should plan a wedding they cannot afford. NTA.