Man's ex convinces him to go to funeral with her instead of SIL's wedding. AITA?
Even after a relationship ends, there are lasting connections that will never fade.
One man was devastated when he found out his ex girlfriend's brother had passed. They had remained very close since the breakup. His ex came to his house to tell him and his current girlfriend caught them hugging. She says he cannot go because her sister's wedding is that weekend and she feels like he is choosing his ex over her and that his ex is manipulating him.
WIBTA for going to the funeral of my ex GF's brother and missing my SIL's wedding ?
I (M25) am in a relationship with Amelia (F26) since 2 years, she is wonderful, we live together and I think we are close to engagement.
In the past, I was in a relationship with Julia (25F), we met in high school and had a very passionate relationship for 5 years but it didn't work. In the end it got quite heated between us and even with her parents, so we blocked each other. Julia had a brother Dan, 2 years younger, and we always shared a special bond.
Like me, he wanted to become doctor and I helped him with med school. Even after the breakup, we stayed close (Julia and their parents weren't aware), he was definitely very important for me, almost like a younger brother.
Unfortunately, Dan had a car crash and died last week, I didn't know until Julia came to my home to announce 2 days ago, I am absolutely devastated.
She apologized because she wasn't aware that Dan and I were still close, she also thanked me for being there for him when he was fighting depression and that all her family would like to see me at his funeral next Sunday in their hometown (7 hours drive).
I replied that I wasn't sure if I could come because I'm running low on money at the moment and my car will be at the mechanic's, she said she could drive me there but she had to be there 2 days earlier to help with the organization, I said that I will think about it, we exchanged numbers and hugged, she cried a little and said she was sorry for all the things of the past and was happy to see me again.
Amelia came home at this moment, and I explained the situation when Julia left (she already knew about my past relationship with Julia and my friendship with Dan). Amelia told me that I wouldn't be able to go at the funeral because the wedding of her sister is the same day and we both agreed to go. I said that I need a bit of time to proceed all that.
The following morning, I had a very emotional phone call with Dan and Julia's parent, they apologized for the past and thanked me for being there for Dan, that they would always consider me family from now, they insisted that they'd like to host me for the funeral to save me cost.
After reflection, even if it sucks for Amelia and the wedding, I cannot imagine missing Dan's funeral, I talked with my co residents the head of unit and they're ok with me missing a few days and cover for me.
When I told my decision to Amelia yesterday, she blew up and said that I'm a huge d*ck to ditch her and her family in favor of my ex's, she said that I committed to the wedding and I couldn't leave her alone to reconnect with my ex.
We had a big argument and haven't talk much since. I had some messages from her friends and her sister, they said that I'm a major a**hole for abandoning my GF in favor of my ex. I was sure I had made the right choice but now I am starting to second guess myself, so AITA?
Here were the top comments from readers:
I’m gonna say NAH because I understand wanting to be at Dan’s funeral and it’s not like you’re missing the wedding to go party with friends or something. But, I can also understand why your GF would be upset.
You’re going with your ex a few days early and staying with your ex Gf’s family who you didn’t get along with in the past to the point of blocking them on your phone. Would you be totally fine with her missing a (hopefully) once in a lifetime family event to be with an ex for a funeral and being with them for days (not just a few hours)?
I’m not gonna sugarcoat this, there’s a chance you come back from the funeral with her stuff moved out.
I love how you mentioned your 'passionate' relationship with your ex. Lmao
YTA for driving down to an emotionally fraught event with an ex you describe as having a formerly 'passionate' relationship. Then going to stay with her family for the weekend. Everybody is feeling vulnerable and it would be inappropriate for you to be a surrogate son. I don't blame your girlfriend, I think this would strain anybody's trust.
These are the moments of heightened emotions where people make mistakes. Then on top of it she's going to spend the weekend at her sister's wedding, where everyone will be asking her where you are, and giving her rueful eyebrow raises if she tells the whole story. It sucks.
I don't blame you for wanting to go to the funeral of a good friend, and its a tough situation. But you should beg and borrow a way down by yourself and a place to stay alone, not with your ex and her family.
Okay wait - you and the ex blocked each other because it got so heated but she came by your house after her brother died - and she didn’t know you and the brother were still close ??? How did she know where you lived if you hadn’t been in contact ?? She wants you to go home to the funeral and stay with her extra days ???
Ummm hello if you were blocked for years how did she know where you live ??? None of this adds up. Seems like you might have still been in touch with her ?? Also a funeral is for the living not the deceased . You already had a phone conversation with her family and visited with her when she showed up at your door by mental telepathy- since y’all had no contact ?.
You say you want to marry your girlfriend now but you are picking your old girlfriend and her family over her. This has nothing to do with Dan - he is gone. You are gonna stay with your ex for days when emotions are everywhere snd think that is not a slap in your girlfriends face.
This is the death shot to your relationship and you will only have yourself to blame. You could always go back to where Dan is laid to rest and pay your respects at a later time. Like my brother’s Ranger brothers have done over the years. Some didn’t go to the funeral so, they have gone by his gravesite and left notes and Ranger coins and etc.
You need to say it like it is - you are choosing your past instead of your future and you will only have yourself to blame when you have to build s new future because of your choices.
Yeah there are a LOT of plot holes in this story. What medical resident doesn't have a reliable car--or can get extra days off covered with such short notice?
And YES the whole part about her showing up at his place when supposedly they hadn't been in contact even though she didn't know her brother and OP were close? Amelia just happening to show up while the ex was there was a bit too much of a coincidence and how did he not know that Amelia's sister was getting married the following weekend?
YWNBTA for making this choice. But, honestly, neither will your GF be when she ends your relationship. You are making a choice to prioritize an old relationship versus your current one. Funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the ones left behind.
You will not disparage your friend if you do not go to the funeral. If you choose the funeral there is a good chance you will be terminally poisoning your relationship.