Man won't allow GF to lend his money to the disabled father of her child. AITA?
When this man is upset that his GF is getting involved with her ex again, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for not being okay with my girlfriend giving money to her ex?"
So to give some context. We've been dating almost a year. This girl is the love of my life, she is the most selfless and kind person that I know. She has a toddler son with her abusive ex who cheated on her while she was pregnant. He is also on disability for a variety of issues.
This ex is currently dating another woman, notoriously bad with money often wasting it on drugs. This ex is also on disability and living rent-free.
After their divorce where they shared 50/50 custody, her ex stopped caring for their toddler and left all the responsibility on my girlfriend and I. Importantly, my girlfriend doesn't work so I've been providing for her essentially for the last year.
So early on in the relationship, I was making good money and there were several times her ex asked for money because my girlfriend and I were on vacation which I was not happy with but paid to help with babysitting.
Later, after she moved out from her apartment, my girlfriend asked me to help pay her half of the rent even though she was not staying there. I make pretty good money so I was okay with it at the time since her ex would have been kicked out otherwise.
Today my girlfriend was telling me about how she would get a few thousand dollars child tax credit which she was happy about.
Her and her ex had argued about who would claim the child on their taxes which my girlfriend was adamant was her right since she had essentially taken care of the child on her own for the last 6 months. I agree with this wholeheartedly.
Today she tells me that she will pay her ex $400 because they are out of money and have a $800 tax penalty. Keep in mind this is 2 days after this ex yelled at her and disrespected her to the point of making her cry.
And throughout the last 2 days she has spoken to me about how angry she is and how her ex deserves nothing from her because they have been absent from the child's life.
However, when it came to helping her ex with their tax penalty, she said that she felt guilty and that she wanted her ex to be in her child's life and she felt she had no other choice. She was like look he's basically disabled. He's not well. Just help him.
I was not okay with this and we got into a huge argument. Told her that I felt she still had feelings towards her ex seeing as she felt so guilty.
She is objectively a good person and wants to help but the person she is helping has done nothing but abuse her, shame her, abandon her child, and walk all over since I've known her.
I asked her if she would have done the same if I was not there to help provide for her and she didn't know what to say. I told her that if this behavior doesn't stop that this relationship will go no further.
I know her ex is the father of her child, but they have been living rent-free with a disability salary for the last 6 months so clearly their inability to pay is due to them wasting their money.
My girlfriend, on the other hand, does not work and has no income and is taking care of her child full time. I felt like I was being used by her ex and in essence, her. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
playfulrobot7 writes:
NTA Your girlfriend is using you. Sorry, to break the truth to you. She's taking advantage of you. It's bizarre that your girlfriend lives completely off your money and expects you to pay for her ex.
tandemteatrics writes:
Gonna say ESH. Your gf is putting herself in an extremely risky position, relying on a non-spouse for income and skirting the court system by claiming the full tax credit herself despite technically only having 50% custody.
Not sure how the IRS or the courts would feel about that decision. She absolutely needs to figure out her situation because it does not sound like a good long-term solution.
However, you also seem to consider that money "yours" even though it's her kid and her personal finances. If you were married it would be different, but you're not, and it isn't your call to make.
It's a bit of a double standard to just decide that her decision to take the full credit is fair, but also blow a gasket when she tries to make right by helping out with his penalty.
I also consider it a low blow to accuse your gf of still having feelings towards the ex just because she's trying to do the right thing by the father of her child.
You clearly have a very uncharitable view of the ex, which may or may not be warranted but is definitely clouding your emotional judgment and making you overly-controlling as a reflex.
This whole situation sounds toxic as hell on all sides, and while ending the entire relationship may or may not be the solution, the status quo certainly isn't either.
esatron writes:
NTA - But was the comment of her having feelings for her deadbeat ex warranted? If not, kind of cruel. She might be gullible and is being used by her ex which is then projected onto you, the provider. But yeah, bold of her to send over $400 with no income herself, also very stupid.
She likely needs to see a lawyer to cut that parasite out of her and the child's life for good. Especially if he's not around at all when the gig is literally 50/50.
kirspykr0 writes:
Definitely NTA. If they were married and filed joint taxes then he is legally entitled to a portion of the return.
I would first recommend getting a lawyer to sort out custody and child support since the ex should be paying your GF appropriate child support if she has the child 100% of the time.
Next, I would try a few months of providing for her and the child' needs without handing out any money. For example, don't keep cash around the house, go grocery shopping together, use your debit/credit card for purchases, etc. The ex may stop calling when he realizes the well has gone dry and there is nothing he can gain from you or the GF.
expressionmundane0 writes:
This will be your life forever. If she gives him money evertime he ask for it, he will do it forever. And most of the time will be your money going to him.
Time to do a reality check. If your GF keep doing this even so you dont agree with it, I would rethink the relationship. She doesnt work (dont know why), she and her kid are dependent on you, even so you only are dating for 1 year. This is not normal. NTA.
signalwall988 writes:
NTA, but you are being foolish. Enough people have commented about you being a financial doormat so I won’t add to that.
My addition will be to caution you that if your GF continually helps him out even though he continually treats her like shit, there is a dynamic in their relationship that makes it very possible she at some point will cheat on you with the ex, if she hasn’t done so already.
Is this really something you want to deal with? Best case you have a complicated, crappy relationship for the next 15 years while she is tied to her ex through custody of their kid.
The worst case, which you don’t appear to be thinking about, is that if you have a kid with this GF at some point YOU have tied yourself to her loser ex.
steffied9 writes:
NTA for sure, 100 percent. Cut the Ex off completely or cut her off completely. Breaking up is something you have to figure out. Bottom Line you control what you give to her and it should not be enough to pay him anything.
Who cares if he gets kicked out of his apartment, or loses custody of the kid. Who cares? The kid is the one that should the focus for everyone and the Mom is irresponsible with the gifts she has gotten from you.
They should be allocated to the child. The Dad should just be out of the picture, he cannot contribute. If you continue to enable this mess of a thing she is creating then it is a you problem.