Man refuses to let GF go on trip with 'too close' male friend. CONCLUDED
"My (22M) Gf (23F) has been mad at me because of a trip I won't 'let' her take."
I’ll try to keep this as short as possible but if you feel like I need more context I can add an addendum in the comments.
I met my current girlfriend in our Freshman year of college. We hit it off almost instantly and became pretty fast friends. After being friends for a while I asked her out and we’ve been together ever since, coming up on two years in October.
Recently however, she and I have been fighting over a proposed trip she intends to go on at the end of this month.
She has a friend, who we’ll call Paul, because that’s his name and I don’t care enough to censor it. I was always aware of him since he lives in her dorm and we’ve hung out a couple of times. But in the Venn diagram of our friend group, he’s always been very firmly in the her circle.
I’ve also always believed that he had feelings for her from only knowing him a few months. They’ve always spent an inordinate amount of time together, even more than most of her other friends, and often more than I get to see her in a week. He’s also made occasional inappropriate remarks about her, which I won’t get into here.
I’ve brought this up to my girlfriend multiple times but she insists he just sees her as a friend and while I think she’s incorrect, I don’t think she’s being dishonest. I trust that she has absolutely no interest in him that way, and so I’m mostly okay with their friendship. At this point it’s honestly kind of a joke between us.
Well, things between us have soured over Paul in the last week or so. His birthday is coming up soon, and he asked her to go on a trip with him to LA which is on the opposite side of the country from us.
She mentioned the plans in a kind of off handed manner, and when I said I wouldn’t be comfortable with that, she and I got into an awful argument about it. As it turns out, he paid for the trip including plane tickets before asking her. And when he asked her she already agreed to go.
I asked her not to go and said I’d find it incredibly inappropriate and hurtful, especially since he only booked one room for both of them. She said I was being hurtful to her friend and would really hurt their relationship. She also says that I was being controlling and accused me of not trusting her.
There’s a lot more details, but I don’t really want to go into them in this post. What should I do, Reddit? I want her to be able to enjoy the last of her summer break but I’m just not comfortable with this situation. Would it be too unreasonable to ask to go with them?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:
I personally would walk away. She is willfully ignorant thinking Paul has her best interest at heart. He actively makes inappropriate jokes about her and clearly has feelings for her. I don't care about friends of the opposite gender but this is a hard pass for me as a person.
She wouldn't like it if a girl was talking about your physical features and then off you go to a far away state one on one for a birthday celebration. He doesn't respect boundaries, and he sounds creepy. Hopefully, he doesn't do anything unsafe to her. I would bring up these points again and if she dismisses them, then that is your sign.
OP responded here:
As I said in a previous comment, they’re not explicit or physical. Instead, they’re more just deeply inappropriate for their level of friendship. Like a fake proposal with ring pops, calling her his “friendship soulmate” and telling a real estate agent they were newlyweds when the two of them were checking out an apartment for him.
That's only what you've witnessed. You've already said he spends more alone time with him.
OP again responded:
I actually haven’t witnessed any of those events. I think he knows enough to not do that stuff in front of me. That’s just what I’ve heard from her and other mutual friends.
Stop looking at Paul. This is the mistake so many people make when a 'threat' arrives on their doorstep. The only things that you should concern yourself with are the choices and actions your gf makes and takes.
There is no 'let' in these situations, you have given your opinion, now it's up to your gf to choose. If she goes, then when she comes back she should no longer be your gf. That's all you do, say nothing, do nothing, this is about seeing how your partner acts when they have free choices.
If your want your self worth to remain intact, you need to end things on her return and day nothing about that until she does come back.
A little over a week later, the OP returned with an update:
Hey everyone. Just wanted to post on update on my relationship with my girlfriend. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I’m exhausted, emotionally drained, a tad tipsy still and going through it.
So we split up. I was with her pretty much all night tonight, and only just got home. And yeah. We’re done. It was ugly, there was a lot of crying.
Now I know some of you might have questions about why I did it. To explain it I need a metaphor. Have you heard the parable about a boiling frog? Where you slowly turn up the heat on a frog in a pot so it doesn’t realize it’s being cooked alive? Well if you gave the frog a thermometer it might suddenly realize that it was being boiled and hop out.
That’s what my post on here was. It wasn’t until I was reading through and considering responding to some of the comments I got that I realized how big the problems in my relationship were, because they’d started small and built up over the course of literal years.
I decided that whether or not my GF decided to go was ultimately inconsequential. The truth was, this was never about the trip. This was about my GF’s treatment of me.
The truth was, I trusted her on the trip. Deep down, with every fiber of my being, I trusted that she was sincere in her denials of their situation. I do not believe she would’ve done anything, but I don’t think it matters.
The simple fact is she’d been consistently downplaying and disregarding my feelings for years. All the while defending Paul, who had been manipulating her and several of our other friends. I could go into why I think this is, the desire to be a hero, etc. but none of it matters.
She’d dismissed my feelings out of hand, and was willing to hurt me, harangue me, and belittle me in defense of Paul’s behaviors which she ultimately admitted were sketchy and manipulative. That’s just a cold hard fact. Those aren’t traits I want in a partner. And now I don’t have to worry about that.
As for me? I feel like my world just ended. Like someone shoved a vacuum hose in my sternum and slurped up my insides. And whatever they stuffed my newly empty space full of is cold and prickly.
I’d love if someone could give me some advice on how to handle this. I’ve never had a breakup this painful before. I’m also having serious regrets. Please let me know what y’all think. Right now I’m going to get plastered and go to sleep and hope somehow my life is bearable in the morning. Goodnight Reddit.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update:
you are a great example of learning to set boundaries and gaining self worth. props to you brother, it’s going to hurt for a long time, but time will eventually drain that cold pain in your chest and it will fill with boiling courage and independence. worst thing you can do, relapse and run back to her. keep your eyes on the path ahead and get excited that the girl that respects you is closer than you think :)
ps, i’ve gone to the ER for heartbreak it hurt so bad, but i’m giving you advice because i empathize.
You know who she is - someone who will minimize your feelings, disregard you, who doesn't think of you first. Someone who took you for granted.
Of course there were some good times. Of course. But I guarantee you can find that with many, many people. There's nothing as fundamental and important as someone who: Respects you, loves you, cherishes you, who you can trust. She didn't respect you, she didn't cherish you. You know it. Don't ignore that truth. You can and will find better.
OP's latest update:
It was rough for a while. I’m not going to lie it still is. I didn’t realize how many parts of my life she’d touched until all of them started aching, and now I’m having to deal with the lingering pain of all the things I don’t share with her anymore. I’ve had good days and bad days but the good ones generally outweigh the bad.
Our friend group split up right along with us. There were a couple of ugly fights and I lost a few good friends, but I take a sort of tragic pride in the knowledge that I kept most of our friends in my life. I’m very glad they’ve been so supportive of me right now.
In unrelated but important news (important to me at least), I had to put my cat down last week as well and I’m just generally not having a good time, but this week is a lot better than last so things are trending up.
I went back to the gym for the first time in literal years, and it’s been nice. Still getting back into the swing of things and trying to get comfortable in a new gym, which takes some getting used to.
I’ve been taking care of myself in other ways. Listening to a lot of sad music, starting up a dnd game and just generally taking it easy. I might even try a bit of writing again. Don’t know if this is the kind of update you’re looking for but it’s what’s been going on.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's final update:
This is NOT concluded! I need to hear about the trip and Paul's inevitable attempt at hitting on her.
That would be a great story wouldn't it. If OOP's girlfriend was truly oblivious to Paul's little moves and had genuine feelings for OOP, the feelings of realization and guilt would be so intense.
She'll be oblivious right up until they get to the single hotel room with a single bed.
'oh whoops! Must have been a mix-up! I swear I ordered a room with two beds! Guess we'll have to share! Hehehe just kidding!... Unless you're okay with that...? No, of course I'm only joking!'
Well Paul is happy. She'll be on the rebound and he's definitely going to shoot his shot.
Beautiful :-) I’m glad he came out of it.