Hi everybody (((:
I (20F) and my fiancé (24M) will get married next year in the summer and I'm very much looking forward to this. We have our issues, but then again, which couple doesn't, right? However, lately, he has been ridiculing my studies and the degree I'm getting.
I'm studying in the Netherlands and he lives in Denmark, so we will close the distance next year after the wedding. I'm currently in my last year of the bachelor's degree in biomedical sciences. I would argue (but of course I'm biased) that this is a very intensive study and requires a lot of time and effort.
Sometimes when I complain about this, he says that my degree doesn't matter and that I would be better off quitting anyway. The reason why he says this is because we would like to have a marriage with more traditional gender roles once we are married. So he will earn the money and I will become a SAHM.
I don't have a problem with this, but I would like to have a degree to fall back on during tough times. Whenever I try to make this argument, he shuts it down immediately and claims that I would be better off just quitting my studies and becoming a housewife already, since once we are married I will never use my degree anyway.
I would not mind working e.g. two times a week, but he is strongly opposed to this as he claims that it would interfere with my tasks and chores in our marriage.
He is currently still in carpentry school, which consists of him having several months of work followed by weeks of school, both of which he gets paid for. Not only does he dismiss the difficulty of my degree, but he also claims that the work he is doing is much harder.
I can't disagree with him, because physically speaking, it is definitely much more intensive. But, I would like for him to acknowledge that my degree is also time-consuming and difficult.
Recently, he made a joke about what a waste of time it was for me to get my degree when I should be in Denmark making him dinner instead, since that would be more fulfilling for both him and me. I know I should not let these harmless jokes get under my skin, but I lashed out at him.
I told him he needed to stop ridiculing my academic achievements and dismissing all of it so easily, since it might come in handy at some point in the future. He then quite seriously told me (again) that I shouldn't take everything so personally and that he was speaking the truth, since I will not use my degree once we are married, so it is a waste of time and money.
Then, somehow, he spun it around and told me that I was not appreciative enough of him wanting to provide for me and our future family and that if I wanted to be a 'girlboss' I would be free to do so on my own.
So now I'm wondering if I did make a mistake by telling him to stop ridiculing my degree and if I somehow hurt him by appearing ungrateful. I just need some advice. So, AITA?
No, you are making a mistake for planning to marry somebody that doesn’t respect you. Who won’t “let” you use your “worthless” degree, even for a part time job. Who will mentally wear you down to nothing. YTA to yourself. He has told you what life being married to him will be like. Believe him.
Exactly. I'd tell her to run, but it seems she doesn't see an obvious trap that lies right before her.
Run. I made a similar mistake. My husband was so dismissive of my degree but as we got further in our careers, I became the breadwinner and he was so negative that the day I got my diploma he threw a tantrum about having to go to my graduation in front of our kid mind you! If he doesn't respect you now, he won't after you are married.
Like holy christ she is in Biomed sciences and he's taking fucking carpentry and he thinks that's more difficult? Unless he is a high end cabinet maker or finisher, then he does literally the same shit every day and he learned most of it in his first month of working.
Honestly the guys sounds like an absolute prick and he's only going to get worse with time, and part of why he wants you to quit now is so you don't see how much money you have the opportunity to make. Sounds like he wants full control over you and the idea of you being independent scares the fVVck out of him so much that he gets angry at the idea.
There are alarm bells ringing all over what you wrote. He sounds overly controlling and dismissive of your efforts/achievements/goals. NTA please think more about this before throwing away your future career.